PUMPING VELVET MOVIE EXCITER

"Please tell Regan it was a pleasure to meet him. Tell him that I watched his movie and I thought it was very well produced, interesting, provocative and I enjoyed it a lot." 

-Sarah Jessica Parker

MY MOM
I just finished watching your film... It's truly powerful, and even better the second time. I wish the right people in politics could see it... Gay marriage could make or break the next presidential candidate, so this film is uncanny in its timing.

I go through the list of people I know and try to pick out those who would get it and realize how many people wouldn't. You were so right in your film... You were so lucky that your family totally got it and didn't even have to say "even though." We love YOU.

We are only souls in this life who are hopefully striving to become better souls -- thank God for those souls who "get it."

I know this film will have a profound affect on many tortured young people struggling with the realization like you did that they haven't done a damned thing wrong, but people are condemning them for just being.

Your life is triumphant. I can't wait to see your next goal fulfilled, because you have yet to fail in anything you've ever set your mind to. You're amazing and I'm so proud of you.

Love you to pieces,
MUMM

PS. You got your humanitarianism from me.

MY DAD
These comments are amazing. Your movie is amazing. You're amazing.
Dad

1)
I only know you through Mike and in the time we've spent together we've done little more than share a few pieces of chicken, but I really wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed your film. I say this not for the animated sequences, commentary on gay pop culture, or Madonna montages (although I loved them all), but for the piece as a whole. It seems to me that one of the most difficult things you can communicate to someone is who you are and where you came from. Artists, writers, musicians have been trying since the beginning of civilization but something is always off. People always seem to skirt the real issues... the guts of what makes them a real person. Not love, compassion, or a career... something much more simple. A BIG BLACK DILDO- It's bold, it's rough, it's unapologetic and satisfying. It's more than a metaphor for your life. It's something you fuck yourself with in the shower. I feel like that is the heart of your film. You are the tortured youth that loved his sister AND the bodybuilder music video editor that likes to take it up the ass from thuggy black men. Both are important parts of who you are and neither should be overlooked. I guess this may come off as crass or bittersweet, but it is intended as praise. You seem like an incredible guy and I'm really glad that you and Mike are so close.

2)
I Finally watched the film and I have so much to say. First, I think it's an amazing piece of work. I was in awe. That said, I also loved parts of it, hated parts of it, felt objectified by some of it, didn't want to hear some of it, laughed through some, cried through lots, wanted to scream at the screen a couple of times (at you), didn't like your interviewer AT ALL! I saw things in you I grew to love, saw a lot of your life mirror my life, wanted more, was left with a lot of questions, felt clear, felt confused and on and on and on and on and on... so I guess what I realized was, if it made me feel this many emotions, and I immediately had the desire to pop the son-of-a-bitch right back in for another viewing, that's some fucking damn good film-making! BRAVO! You're my hero! I watched it alone- I felt I needed to feel you through the screen and try to read everything I know of you personally and what I didn't. It was best that way- and it worked. I felt emotional all the way thru... I was wiped out when it was over. Again, I think you've made a powerful piece about YOUR LIFE, YOUR JOURNEY, YOUR EXPERIENCES AND YOUR OPINIONS. (I think that's something important for us ALL to understand as we attempt to begin judging something). I also think any intelligent gay man in the prime of his life with the belief he can make a contribution in this world should see it to begin to put his own life in mental review. That film will do a lot more for a lot of men than an overly priced therapist. I say with tears in my eyes, I thank you for being the artist you are. Love u!

3)
I got both of your DVD's. Thank you so much. First & foremost, I am so touched by your tribute to your sister, Roz. I'm so sorry you lost her. It really hit home. I'm just back from a year of battling cancer myself. It was really rough as you know and I almost didn't make it but I beat it in the end. I'm in total remission. I know I'm a very lucky man. I was down 70 lbs & had to use a walker for months. I'm back up to 240 lbs & hitting the gym hard. I am so impressed by your talents. I watched your professional show reel first... I've honestly never seen anything like it. I now have a newfound appreciation for editors. I have no idea how you work your magic. It's pretty mind blowing. Madonna's entire career blasting by was overwhelming. The artists you've worked with surely are a tribute to your talent. Congratulations, you have quite a gift. Last night we watched your film. Again, the talent & dedication it takes to create such a work of art is staggering. And you did it while building your career & body to such heights. Sure made me feel like a slacker. You really put yourself out there on the line. You're very courageous & powerful. You touched me in so many ways - my own childhood as a sissy-boy came rushing back. The negative messages and violence against gay people in our culture is brutal. Every step of the way you surprised me. It's quite a ride. Danny Lemos was gushing about it & I still wasn't prepared. Trust me, I will show it to every friend I have. People, gay & straight need to see it. You present a view of what it's like to be gay in this world that no one else has been brave enough to do. Damn, you've got some balls, boy. The first person on my list to see it will be Michael Toomey. He's in charge of the Miami Beach gay & lesbian film festival. If all the slots aren't filled already, they got to get you in there. They've had some great films but nothing like yours has ever been seen. I'll let you know what comes of it. Keep up the hard work. You are leaving your mark on this world. You are really something special.

4)
Thank you for sharing your story. It was interesting, beautifully depicted, well edited, and powerful. You really are a great person. You seem to have a strong grasp on what society is and what it has done to gay individuals. Thank you. I also have to say that you have an amazingly beautiful body. I just wish you were more of a 'skinny white kid' guy than a 'big black dick' guy.

5)
I came across your profile on Bigmuscle,com and spent a lot of time looking at your website Pumping Velvet. I was really moved, extremely moved, by the trailer message. I think you have probably already influenced a lot of people more than you realize. I am quite a bit older than you but your images and life energy have at times traversed the periphery of my own peripatetic existence, glimpses here and there. I grew up in LA. My grandfather worked for the studios and my dad was a competition bodybuilder but I had to run away as far as possible to the chilly northeast, it took me a long time to come to grips with living in this culture, time and era. I spent most of my early life studying classical literatures and locating myself close to the best minds in far distant history. Somehow the awesome power of technology pulled me back to earth it can be used for good or evil but in my hands I try to shape a better world with it every day, working close to the heart of the beast deep inside wall street. Really interested in viewing your film, if that's possible. I want to find out what you have learned, the pleasures and pains; I want to admire you as well, and be an audience for your energy, every day I try to learn but I can only learn from what is real.

6)
Hey bro, I read your website "Pumping Velvet.com" 5 times... Loveeeeddd it! It's not just the perspective of a gay man that I relate too but its written by you... a gay male competitive bodybuilder. The only words I can use to describe how much I loved it is after I finished reading... I exhaled.

7)
I was moved by your website and what you had to say. Brian, a former colleague from KCBS and KCAL9 referred to your website and was in awe of your frankness, stunned by your cockiness, envious of your confidence, respectful of your honesty and inspired to find out more about this movie.

8)
In your film, when you got out of your car in Palm Springs & I saw your ass - I nearly lost it. Fuck! I tried to stay focused but every time your body came into view the blood traveled from my brain to my dick. That sweet handsome boy's face in that big beefy body... pushed all of this daddy's buttons. I can fill a magnum XL but my dick's the wrong color. Damn. Otherwise I'd book a flight out west & nail your bubble butt with all the experience I've got under my belt. You're gonna make one hell of a husband for some lucky man.

9)
Thanks for sending me a copy of the movie. About 10 friends and I just got finished watching it. Very creative. Harshfully true. Interesting. Inspiring. Wonderfully put together. We found ourselves in deep discussion after the movie and realized how much we could relate to so many of the things in the film. Just a little about us, in case you care; We are all circuit boys and travel all over the Southeastern side of the country to various parties. We are all responsible, working people and as of now, have our lives in control. We work hard during the week and play hard during the weekend. It's our life and we love it. We question ourselves often with the right full ness or wrong full ness of our fun and partying on the weekends but we decided as long as we stick with our rule, we're ok. Our rule is as long as our families, friends, professional life, or health isn't compromised, no regrets. In our group we have someone in public relations for a major record label, a project manager for the biggest computer company in the world, 2 guys that own a regionally known hair salon, a guy that owns a landscaping company, a circuit party website owner, and someone that owns a fashion label. We are very good friends and have known each other for 5+ years. We felt like we should tell you who we are in exchange for your self-portrait. Thank you again, I wish you the best of luck in the future. Perhaps we'll see you one day in this small world we live in.

10)
I am truly impressed and feel extremely privileged to have crossed your path. You fucking rock! I am back in NYC and happy to be home. Please keep in touch. The movie rocks!!!!!! It would take a whole evening to explain my thoughts and feelings after watching it... you are amazing!

11)
I want you to know that you are a wonderful person. You have seriously touched me, and made me realize a few important things about life. Thank you for taking the time to share your story with the world. I wish that everyone could be fortunate enough to witness such heart wrenching beauty and honesty. You have to realize that you're a pretty lucky person to have been through so much and still be alive. I hope that your luck never runs out, and I can tell that you have so much more to give the world. So, keep up the good work. Keep your head up, and keep those damn muscles pumped up! I love it!

12)
Eeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! I loved it! Just finished watching it at 1:51 am EST! I thought it was fantastic, interesting, disheartening, original, and true.
So sad about:
1. The horrible children u had to put up with
2. The box you had to sit in in school
3. Your sister's death
So happy about:
1. Your comments and views on the gay and black issues
2. The genre of music u like (most of my favs)
3. Your supportive parents - thank god for them.
4. Your personal life accomplishments - u know the ones I mean!
5. How hot you looked up on stage doing the go-go thing (you have no ideas the parallels in outfit choice - question: "you staring in my dressing room window?" I just loved it! And I'm sure others will too.

13)
Damn, Regan! Just finished watching your reel. It's smokin' hot! You should be very proud of it. It's absolutely amazing. I can't begin to imagine the amount of effort that went into creating that reel. The sound design alone is incredible, not to mention the outrageous visuals.

14)
Thank you for sharing your beautiful vision with me. I received your film today and watched it 3 times.

15)
I'm from Spain. I have just received your DVD today (March 23rd) just in time for my 29th birthday. hehe! Thank you so much. I've just finished the movie. I feel that we are like twin brothers... we have a lot in common. I do not fit in any place. Not too gay, not too straight, you know. But I don't care anymore, I'm happy being just me. The movie it's great, very well done,(now I know you are an editor), very entertaining and it shows a different face of a gay man the people is used to see. The music it's also great. I hope you'll find that boyfriend that you said you are looking for right now. And I hope you get what you want in life. Best wishes for you and many hugs from Spain. You'll have a special memory in me. Un Beso.

16)
I enjoyed your website very much. You obviously put a lot of thought and work into it. What a varied and interesting life you've had (and that's just so far-- can't imagine what exciting challenges and adventures your future may hold!) Anyway, I saw your ad in Circuit Noize (I am definitely not a circuit boy-- I'm a gay guy, too, who will soon celebrate a 20th anniversary with my spouse, Scott. We have two kids we adopted through LA County seven years ago-- the boys are now 10 and 13. However, sometimes I think maybe it'd be fun to be a circuit boy for at least one hot weekend. Oh well...)

17)
Regan, I wanted to thank you for the film, I sat down and watched it tonight. It was great. Good job! It was well-edited, well-filmed, flowed nicely, interesting from start to finish. I wish you the best in everything you do. Keep me abreast of your adventures.

18)
We were completely blown away and engaged watching the Aviddiva DVD yesterday. That and the bump of K made for a very fun Sunday afternoon journey. Your creative energy is truly a gift you should be very proud of. I loved the white screen before the Madonna clips. It's like there was nothing...and then there was Madonna.

19)
I must say it's a new way to see a self-portrait more than just a biography. It reflects how generations have changed and will continue to change. It's still up to us to make a difference and I know you are. I'm sure someday I'll see it in the gay TV network we were supposed to get last year or so. It made me re-live some episodes from my childhood that were somewhat similar, well all of us real gay bois had to go thru the bullying, and try to prove I wasn't different. It made me wonder more about my origin as far back as I remember I knew I was different, probably 4 years old... Geez, that's young. But one thing is true about us, as the gay and lesbian community- we still discriminate against our own, but I really don't think it's discrimination it's just different layers of the same lifestyle but after all it wouldn't be a free world if we all thought the same. As in the str8 life not everybody has the same likings or are the same that's what makes us unique for better or worse. We just have to learn there is a place for everybody in this world and hopefully a level of understanding and brotherhood. Well I'm too optimistic, and naive. I think the hardest part for me to watch was the small short on your sister it's hard to lose someone so close. I haven't really experienced death of a loved done but in life my family hasn't been at all that close, so to speak, I owe more to friends than my own family. And I know if I lose any of my friends it'll crush me. But that will be another learning experience. Well I ain't going to bore u with my story. I have gotten inspiration to respect myself more and take more pride in who I am. I might not be able to do much right now but with a small seed a big tree might grow. If I ever get the chance to truly inspire someone I would do my best to give a good example but as we all know we have to have both the good and the bad after all that's what teaches us how to achieve happiness what ever that might be. It's truly a wonderful thing to have someone like you who accomplished so much of your dreams, and gone as far as u have gone, show how intense life is; and not forget how we got there and with all the honesty you portrayed not holding back on much stuff that would shock a lot of people. But it's very unique and a great piece of work, I truly enjoyed it... very well edited. I don't know much about the industry but you did a great job. I wish you one day get recognized in one form for all the work you put in it. As for love I have fallen in love but that a whole other ballpark... remember this... it'll find you when u least expect it, kinda like what u said about bodybuilding it chooses you at some point, just don't close your heart for you might miss the chance. I have in the past and it was truly regrettable. But I can't cry on spilled milk just keep moving forward and find my way in this world. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to watch your work and you are truly blessed. I'm sure you still have a long road to go. Don't let it be your last... you have an amazing gift. Like I said I truly enjoyed it, I'm gonna ask some of my friends to have a blockbuster night next weekend so we can watch it together I know my best friend will enjoy it. She is a lesbian but she also went thru her fair share of this not so understanding world. One thing is for sure everyone one has problems, and insecurities we learn to live thru life. You just made me realize, closer to home, that my problems are not that bad and I know with time I'll be able to get thru it all, but sometimes impatience is my only companion and being so anxious makes me forget the world doesn't revolve around me. I just have to learn to deal with it and grow from it and hopefully I'll look back and realize if I wouldn't have gone thru all the sour patches, I wouldn't be the person I will be then. Hopefully not a bitch, but this world, especially being gay, makes you very cold hearted in a way but you have to shield yourself from. But like I wrote yesterday, we need to keep the door cracked and let in some love. Have u ever thought of submitting it for a film festival? My best friend is pretty much into it, not a big person just a supporter every year we try and give our support at the Miami Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. Hopefully one day you'll be able to release it mainstream but seriously, its film festival material. Bueno! I know in your disclaimer that it's not for all the bull-shitters in the industry but fuck 'em... the public will react to it. Thanks for taking the time to reply... I really enjoy the correspondence. It's hard to open up to someone but after your film I wished more people were as easy to talk to because of the correlation in our world. Sometimes is not the case... just to make ourselves not vulnerable. Hope all it's well in Sunny California! Here in Miami is a bit chilly at 80 degrees.

20)
You sent me your movie, after a pleasant reply to my email, several weeks ago. I have probably watched it a dozen times since then. I, like probably any number of the other homos that have received this little disc from you, identified so deeply with this movie that it has disturbed me. While I did not receive the torment and ridicule that you did, the tiniest incidents still echo in my mind more clearly than most other memories from my childhood. I performed the full Blonde Ambition Tour choreography for Vogue at church camp, right here in central Kentucky, at the tender age of 13. How it was that I was applauded instead of ridiculed, and that people still believed I was straight, still boggles the mind. My attempt at rhythm nation did not go as well, but that's another story. I have been obsessed with bodybuilding and the alpha physique from around the same point-- it began with comic books, and then the discovery of muscle magazines. I went to performing arts school. I performed in musical theatre and played classical piano competitively. And yet, when I was around 16, I decided to become popular, and assimilated myself entirely into the power cliques at my school. I have lived in an almost entirely straight world all my life, and since gay culture here is such a lame caricature of a culture I'm only marginally interested in anyway, I have made few efforts to investigate it, since you can get better, safer sex from the internet nowadays. My straight friends accept me and my sexuality without reproach which I find shocking and touching beyond belief. Sadly, I still have not discussed the issue with my parents, although I think they all have their suspicions. I bet you're wondering what all of this has to do with your movie. I loved it.

Two fundamental truths- 1. "You don't choose bodybuilding, bodybuilding chooses you." 2. As a gay man you have to construct a fantasy to frame your life. I'm not gonna hit on you, since I'm white and only slightly more than average in the dick department, but I will say that your physical development is spectacular, and has inspired and empowered me to pursue and own my deepest fetish, the attainment and exploration of extreme muscularity. I'm 24, and in decent shape. I think I can do it too. I salute you for the super-fag that you are, for your wry criticism, your fascinating hyperbolic imagery, your insight, and your ambition. I wish you luck in your search for big black dick, and the love necessary to 'back it up', so to speak. Take good care of yourself, and thanks for sharing your take so intimately. I totally got it. Peace.

"Therefore, what other men teach,
I will also consider and then teach to others.
Thus, 'the strong and violent do not come to a natural end.'
I will take this as the father of my studies."
-Lao Tzu

21)
Saw your special on add-TV.com tonight. You are one hot, genuine and smart man. I am attracted to muscle boys who are smart. I am a gradute student at Columbia studying Critical theory. If you're ever in NYC, I would love to meet and hangout. My total fantasy is having you near me and spreading your asshole with my Latin tongue and my fat Puerto Rican dick. All the best. Hugs.

22)
Dear Regan, I received the DVD today and once I started watching it I had to keep going until it was finished. Much of what you say touched something deep inside. I find myself smiling a little with a bit of a tear in my eye at the same time. I will admit that I had a hard time with the pornographic parts and I had to fast forward through some of the violent scenes. That's not meant as criticism by the way. That's my issue. I loved the Teddy Bear in the seatbelt. A healthy inner child is so awesome. I cried big time when you were talking about your sister. God bless you. God bless her. I am so glad you had each other. I was impressed that you put God at the top of your thank you list. Most of all, I hope you find that guy and love that you really want. That's what it all boils down to. God put us here to love and be loved so, much love to you.

23)
Good morning Regan, Thanks for the kind words. It helps me start the day off right. As I've reflected more and more on your movie there is so much that I want to say. But, I'll start with this. Actually, it's not a message for you, but for the little boy that is still there inside you. As I watched the clips of you growing up I found myself loving that little boy. He was so full of life and love. They way he held his little sister was beautiful. Such a grace filled moment. He was playful and joyful and it makes me sad and angry to think that a fear filled society wounded and tried to kill the spirit of that little boy. So, if he's still hurting in there just tell him that I think he's awesome and the little boy inside me loves him. Blessings

24)
I received your video yesterday and I wanted to thank you for sending it to me. It's quite the statement. I understand how you feel about the abuse. I put up with it as a child from my peers. I understand taking hold of my own nads and getting a clue about standing up for who I was. It made me who I am today. It made me know where I came from and gave me the strength to see where I'm going. I really love the clips throughout. Some of them I'd completely forgotten about over the years. Great Job! PS the shower scene was especially hot!~
 

25)
Hello Regan. I have watched "Pumping Velvet" twice now. Thee are so very many things I could say: ways in which our experience has dovetailed, ways in which it has been different. I think the "great divide" though is the fact that I have always been able to "pass for" straight. I realized a long time ago that it is the gay people who can't or won't pass who have led the way for my people. It is they who have made the greatest sacrifices and have fought the battles, because they had no choice, if they were to survive with any self-esteem and dignity at all. I sometimes still hear straight-acting gay men express resentment of "flamers" because the world thinks that is how all gay men are. I know that in my youth I was guilty of that myself. But of course the answer to that is: stop hiding; let the world see you as a gay man, and then the picture will be complete. I also quickly learned that it was the outrageous queens that I could trust who wouldn't fuck me over, not the butch ones. So even though I'm naturally pretty masculine acting, my gay friends are usually not... and that's just fine. And then there is bodybuilding. I've been obsessed with it since childhood, and use roids and all that, though I haven't ever gotten it together to compete... getting that lean is a bitch! So I understand where you are coming from with regard to that. And respect anyone who takes it to your level. I'm a sucker for a great dancer and wow are you ever. I could just sit and watch you all night. I really love your righteous indignation, your anger. I get no respect for my own anger, and it gets me down that gay men aren't as seething and as willing to think it all out and express it as I am. So I love hearing you do that. And I'd be happy to send Eminem's brains all over the wall myself... not to mention Eddie Murphy's. I also worry that young gay men don't understand the sacrifices that were made, that they benefit from. They seem all too willing to just become mindless consumers... to not do the math and see the truth of their own oppression and the political and economic implications of that. Differences? Well, I'm a top; and I haven't had great experiences with black guys sexually.

I came of age as a gay man in the Seventies, so didn't have to deal with HIV at that point; but beyond that, It doesn't seem like there was much difference in our generation's experience. I don't have the love of contemporary pop music that you do- but it heartened me that you used a lot of Pet Shop Boys and stuff from that era, when music was still fun. I haven't done drugs in ages. Drugs never agreed with me very well. One hit of acid and I'd be wrecked for days; and not in the good way! And yet...watching your video, I felt the yearning for some X or coke...is that wrong? LOL. Oh, and I detest tattoos- lol. That is the real dividing line between my generation and the next. But I'm learning to live with them. You have a quality that I have always found irresistible in a guy: a combination of masculine and feminine. A big hot body, a boy-next-door face, and then comes the hair toss and the witchy look in the eyes, and I'm ready to rut. Grrr... I have no idea if you will respond to this, but if you do, what is that music that you use at your site, and in the video? It's been a favorite of mine for a while, but I can never find out the name. There is a kind of sadness to it that gets to me; sorrow under joy...very gay, that. I'm rambling, I know, and with no great depth. Mostly I just wanted to say "thank you" for sharing your life, your perspective, your opinions, your art, your soul. I love your video and will watch it many times I am sure. Thanks again.

26)
Salut Regan! What a fantastic guy you are, totally involved in his case ...(and it's not a question of money). Bravo Man! You are a true leader in what you are engaged. But I consider your offer too generous, so I'm going to send you something when I'm going to receive your gift (even if I pay back partially or totally the DVD, I will always consider it as Your Gift). I'm touched to see how engaged you are and that you don't stay passive after to have expressed yourself in a movie, but you stay active to promote it (mainly for the cause and with conviction in your engagement). Again MAN, BRAVO! You are a real CHAMP. Thank you very much.

27)
Regan, I saw your ad in Circuit Noize. To say I was impressed with your body is an understatement. To say I wanted to see more is an understatement. Then I went to your website: To say I was impressed is an understatement. To say I was now more intrigued than ever is an understatement. So, I look forward to finding out who is behind the video and who is inside the video as well as see the person on the video. Thank you!

28)
Dear Mr. Ford, I recently ran across your website thru a link from another website and was immediately captivated by your story. Not only is the website awesomely done... the stories, anecdotes and insight you have were riveting. And although you only light on the prejudices that you have endured, the way you presented it was incredible. As a 37 year-old gay male today I remember the cruelty of kids back in grade school and high school. My first run in with "THAT kid" was in the 6th grade. Your story touched a nerve in me that I forgot I had, having thought I had "gotten past all of the crap from school". But I guess moving away from the scene of the crime doesn't mean you get over it. I have to admit it did make me the person I am today. It made me tough, determined, eventually proud and not afraid of telling anyone out there exactly who I am. I would love to see your movie. I have known plenty of gay men who have the same story that I did but none of them hit that long forgotten nerve that you did. None of them painted the kind of picture that you did to the point of actually seeing what you must have gone through, and I would love to see more. I am a little disturbed that you are not taking money for the DVD as I would gladly pay for it, but I understand why you can't and will not due to copyrights, etc. Please let me know if there is a way of reimbursing you for the movie reproduction costs in any way, be it thru a donation in your name to a cause/charity that is close to you or any other way. Again I am greatly looking forward to viewing your film, all 17 years of it, to see how you have become who you are today. Thanks again!

29)
Ok, so I'm 1/2 way through the DVD you sent me and it kills me that I have to run to work now. I fuckin' love it!!!!!! You seem like an awesome guy and seems like we have a ton in common. I almost feel like I'm watching a movie about me except that I used to beat up the boys in middle school before they got to me and that I like white boys- but anyway just wanted to tell you that I am really enjoying your story. Hope your having an awesome day. Courtney
 

30)
Bonjour Regan, Just a word to tell you that I have looked at the website Pumpingvelvet.com and I must say that I'm anxious now to see your film. I thought I would see pics of that film in that website, but what I found mainly is a True Man, in front... (and confront to) a life reality and who has something to say; to add and to help a little bit more to undeceive the gay reality. Thanks for your important contribution.

P.S. I would like to put your pic on my wall as an "icon" but in an another side I would find indecorous to be excited by an "icon".

31)
Regan, AVIDDIVA, Mentor, Diamond Cutter, Music Remixer, Director, Porn Director, Mutha Fucker, Black Boy Lover, Brother, Mother, Friend, Saint, Icon, I just finished experiencing your life through your movie Pumping Velvet. It's now 7:06 AM. My Apple Powerbook is still on East Coast Time and honestly I don't give a fuck. It's three hours ahead, cause that's where I am...ahead of the game, beyond the shame, fame, one to blame if this album of mine shakes some shit up and causes havoc or provokes havoc or whatever is clever for someone else to call my voice, the choice of The New Jew Generation. I wanted to call you but I knew I shouldn't. It's too late to call and my mom taught me to be considerate. The nails on my left hand are all bitten down to where I can't bite anymore. I don't know where to begin. I don't know where to end. I don't know what to say, because I already know what you mean. What you mean to yourself, to others, to you and myself still might not believe me since I haven't had a dick up my ass or a cock wrapped around my mouth. You have the courage to be and nothing else. Everything else. Not for someone else. Just for you. Sounds like a Hallmark card. Sounds like I'm sugar coating this spiel but I'm not. Trying to get your approval, like any son with his father, but really trying to say that I'm doing my best to let you know that I understand you even though you don't understand that I understand you. I love you. Just as I finished watching this DVDiva, I wanted to go out to smoke in my parent's garden. I was in my white Calvin Klein underwear that I got at Century 21, cause I know where to shop for shit I don't want to pay retail on. I was wearing nothing else watching your fuckalicious fag flick and so I put on the hand-me-up Seven Jeans that my first roommate in NYC gave me and also my green Old Navy v-neck fleece sweater that I still have from back in the Hofstra dayz when I was developing images in the same dark room with MBP. Can't believe I still have this sweater. Does it mean I'm dirt poor since I still have it. I'm not sure. Yeah I am but I'm also a famous fucker so I really couldn't care less, but I still do. As I went to get my Parliament Lights, I was looking for the lil' Marlboro matches that you pointed out at your Playgirl pad. They were nowhere in sight. Probably in my car. So I just reached into my Seven Jeans pocket and the lighter that I had been searching for that I thought I lost this morning was now in these jeans I completely forgot that I wore at all in Cali. Fame helps me forget the past so my memory is selective. Actually I just don't care to remember anything anymore. When you're on a fast roller coaster ride, racing at a speed you can't control, you tend to forget what jeans you wore yesterday and where the fuck you put your lighter. How does this even relate to you? As I slipped in your DVD into my Powerbook drive, I had no idea that I would find it. I wasn't even searching for it. The message...just as I discovered the lighter in my pocket. A lighter shines a light. Ignites a flame. Burns anything that touches the tip. Changes the object into another form. For better or for worse, it just changes it. That's what your self-portrait did for me. I wasn't searching for it, like I wasn't searching for the lighter, but I found it. I wanna bring up the Jew thing with this, but you won't get it. I can't stand hate crimes committed against any minority. Gays & Jews...minorities. Life's too short to look back when you are 45 years old and go, "Man I should have been a body builder." That's just like how I didn't want to turn 45 and look back at who was rockin shows on TV and wherever and go, "Oh I was supposed to do that, but I didn't have the Matzoh Balls to do it." Fuck it. I got a terrorist target on my head, who cares. I'm not afraid to die. I'm more afraid to kill, because I know that it will just make me the same as those who want to kill me. Scarface was my favorite movie of all time. This movie just got put on top of it. Pumping Velvet is worth more to me. It speaks to me. It means something to me. You mean something to me. I didn't even know you before this but I did know you and that's why I chose to keep in contact with you. That's why I chose you as a mentor. That is perhaps why you chose me as a pupil, a friend, if I ever was a real one to you. I might not have always been there for you. I didn't go to your shows since I was going through rough times and some negative stuff and I didn't want to jinx it for you. I never told you that. I wanted you to win so much that I decided not to come near you back then when I was flat ass broke, angry, scared and lost. I didn't want that energy to come near your grace. And when I told Celeste that I wasn't able to come help shoot your last scenes with you, I put in the last monies I had into a Scientology course which saved my life and will help me save lives of others in small lil' ways. I can't really see myself as "saving lives" but I can at least learn the tools and help people help themselves. I'm sorry if I wasn't there for you. It was probably best since I don't think I was in any shape to help when I so needed to be helped. I so needed to learn how to help myself. Now as 50 Shekel I help others. Just like you, I too want a relationship. We are people that others can't understand. Won't understand because they are "under" the "stand" We are the ones that "stand" up for what we believe in while they are "under" us since they never had the courage to do it like we did. Do you "understand"? As I was smoking cigarettes with you outside tonight, I was about to say that I didn't understand why our paths were crossing again. Why I was still in contact with you and Mike and I still can't believe that people you were spielin with in the city know who I am. If it's true, cool. I have no idea how big this is getting or just is. I have fans, you have fans. I'm not your fan, I'm your friend. As far as your cutting, nigga please. I'd rather just not say anymore. I think stating to my label guys that you are the best is enough. You are the best. Was that also Mondino who said that to you in the movie? He also said you have to become an Icon. You are. Oh my Lord. Good. Great. Gefilte Fish. It's like you use your semen to connect music video film clips to each other. Mike and I used tape in film school. You use something else. You're my Honorary Jew. I'm your Honorary Fag. I have a song on my album called Be Myself, which I wrote during last summer when I got here in the NYC. It reminds me of what you said about being yourself..."Why would you want to be anyone else?" I think you said that. I'm speechless about your message since I don't think everything I say will be enough to describe the impact you and your message has made on me. You're sexier than all the Icon's you've created. I guess you saved the best for last...yet you still have more and more to do in this world, which you will do...GOD willing. G-D willing I will be there to enjoy your success and cheer you on. Roman also did a superb job shooting and so did the rest of your crew who helped you bring your vision to completion. Nice to see artists making art that counts more than numbers (dollars). Your work is priceless, just like you are. I'm not stroking your ego or cock with that statement or anything else I say. I'm as genuine as you allow yourself to see me. Love Always... The Gayest Straight Boy You'll Ever Meet...And Loving It!

32)
WOW, I saw this video at a friends place and its one of the best things I have seen in a long time. Please send me my own personal copy. Thanks so much. I have an association with the "Club L" the Lodge Bar and it might be a fun thing to show your DVD and have a personal appearance. Thanks for letting me share in your life and experiences.

33)
Hey Regan, Sorry I didn't get back to you after last weekend but it's been a crazy week. Just to let you know, the other 3 couples I sat and re-watched your movie/sensory overload event with LOVED it!!!!! One of the guys wanted to borrow my copy and I wouldn't part with it SO he is going to get a group of their friends together for a "movie and dinner" night as their place and I'll bring it then.( I told him to get his own copy the way I did...lol) Let's just say that by the end of summer most of the gay and lesbian population in the greater Chicagoland area will have seen it at least once. : ) I also gave out the website to about 10 people so far, so you may get some responses that way too. Tons of compliments and one of the guys sobbed uncontrollably for about 15 minutes. Needless to say all of us understood the feelings he was having and it was more of a great release of all the pent up frustrations that ALL of us had over the last few years (decades for some of us). You are touching more lives than you know just by being YOU and allowing us to see it in a beautifully unscripted vibrant media event you humbly refer to as a movie. You are the BOMB, baby!!!!!!!! Thank you again for just being YOU!! Always a devoted admirer, and part time promoter)

34)
I was having a conversation with one of my co-workers one day and he told me of this great film he had. He said it was unlike any other movie he had ever seen. He also told me that I could get a copy and suggested I check out this website. I am really interested in receiving a copy of your film.

35)
Hey Regan, Saw your add in Circuit Noize and checked out your web link. I agree totally with what you are trying to do. I would encourage you to keep your focus on pursue your dreams. I am interested in receiving a copy of your DVD. Please provide any details on how to go about receiving it. Thanks,
Fred Walden

36)
Dear Regan, I got back from vacation yesterday and while sorting mail from the last 2 weeks or so I opened your envelope with the movie that you had sent to me. I set it aside for a few hours while I played catch up from my trip. During dinner I saw the DVD sitting there and popped it in for a quick preview, figuring that I would wait to watch the whole movie until this weekend. I was hooked about 5 minutes into my little sampling of it and sat, transfixed and watched the whole thing. I can only say that I laughed, cried, got angry, got downright pissed off, got excited, got horny, got mellow, got hyped and then I got all of those things repeatedly for the next hour or so. It was a major rollercoaster ride and I wanted to keep riding all night. Some may have a preconceived notion about the "body builder jock" look but the intelligence you spoke with blew that out of the water in the first few scenes. The talent that you possess with editing and animation are astounding. The resolve you have to get where you are now after such trials during your childhood with the kids, and teachers evidently (a refrigerator box???? what the hell were they thinking?????????) teasing and taunting and physical altercations is nothing less than inspiring. AND you are HOT AS HELL!! (sorry, had to throw that out there....) I feel honored and privileged that you have chosen to share this with me and everyone out there who wishes to see it. I only wish that MORE people would see it. I wish there was a law that said before someone could spout hatred for homosexuals that they were tied up in a room and forced to watch your film. Even if it did nothing to change their minds it would be rather fun seeing the looks on their faces during it. :) I agree that only a select group will "get it" but I sure as hell wish more people would "get it" by watching your film. I want to thank you for sharing this. I want to thank you for putting a voice out there for all of those kids who may be going through the same or similar situations even now and showing them that it can turn out pretty damn well after all. And I want to thank you most of all for showing the rest of us that we were not alone when going through it back then and that somehow we may all end up OK in spite of it all. You are more than a Rockstar/Bodybuilder/Circuit Boy/ Menace/ Icon... you are an Inspiration... although the rest sums it up pretty well too! Keep Rockin' and Pumpin' and just being YOU... Perhaps your biggest fan so far.

37)
Hey Regan, just watched a copy of your film (after prodding from a pal). Anyway, THANKS for making it and for finding the strength to be so introspective. I have a lot in common with you: who you were, the various struggles you have overcome in life, and the prize of having the courage to see yourself CLEARLY. Aside from the steroid thing (I love steroids...can't help it LOL), I am completely drug free, but can UNDERSTAND addiction and drug use. I just don't take part or want that element in my life...so not on that same page with you. That's not really important. I guess what I am saying is that to be gay does not mean we all have to be alike, think alike, live our lives the same, have the same values/ideals/morals etc...but we should all be standing side by side fighting the good fight. But oh man, I share your love for beautiful black men and their big cocks! yeeeeeehaw!!! I could ramble for pages...and I am sure you have gotten a lot of rambling e-mails so I will not do that to you. Just wanted to say THANKS and I wish you the best of luck in your continued search, growth, success, and what you dream of, TRUE LOVE.

I believe that to struggle brings us closer to the god in each of us...the truth in each of us and the enlightenment waiting to be felt- Keep struggling and keep creating. I would like to get my OWN copy of your movie so that I can loan it to my mom and other family members to watch. They would love it because they would see a lot of me in you and vice-versa. Yup, I'm not alone. Hope to run into you sometime when I finally move to L.A. this fall. Big sweaty hug!

38)
Regan, Regan, Regan what can I say, I'm an ass. Well I did get sick for a while, and that's half an excuse, but I'm also just lazy. But here it is, what I thought of your movie: I actually liked it, a lot. It is very good. But it is so, so, so not what I expected. First of all, it is not self-absorbed in the slightest. I mean, it's about being gay, the trials and tribulations of being gay, and the reaction to those trials. You are just the backdrop as the movie is not about you. You are the specific example of being gay in a movie about being gay. Also, you didn't tell me it was a college. I mean, I should have expected as much from an editor, but come on, you could have said so when you talked to me about it. I have some more thoughts on it, but I don't really want to type it all out, I much prefer to talk to you in person about it. I got more flow that way. One more thing though, I think you weren't very honest about one thing that could have really done a good deal for that movie. Maybe you never even made the connection in your head, but do you ever think why became a bodybuilder? That it is probably directly related to you being small and skinny and picked on as a kid? I mean, that was also a way of fighting back. Also, I don't understand why gays didn't like the movie. It really doesn't criticize them much at all. You're only accusation is the fact that they allow themselves to be stepped on, but didn't you? If you have the strength to stand up and fight now, that's great, but how can you blame someone who doesn't? And do you really advocate murder? Isn't it all just a way of portraying the power of abuse, and revolt against abuse? What are you really expecting people to do? Anyway, this is crappy ranting, I'm not really saying anything, and certainly not exactly what I mean. So let's talk. Give me a call.

39)
Holy HUBBA HUBBA!!! - how do I find out more about this movie?!?!?!?

40)
Hey Regan- I got your DVD! I have watched the first 20 minutes...fantastic so far! I'm planning on watching the whole thing tomorrow night with some close friends... but so far it's as I thought :-)...is it playing for the Austin Film festival? Talk at you soon.

41)
I would love a copy of your movie to watch and share with other gay individuals, especially my very closeted friends, trying to conceal and cover the obvious from themselves. Man you hit some nails on the head. I dig those words I read on your website. I look forward to seeing some of your life experiences in your movie. All the best to you and a future thank you for doing what you do and did!

42)
Hi Regan! I don't know how "insightful" I was; just rambling, really. If I wanted, I could probably write a thesis based on your film; lol. Oh gosh, of course that's what that song is: I just never heard it without the words I guess. That was a favorite song of mine back in the day. "Run away, turn away, run away..." right? I should get that greatest hits CD; I'd almost forgotten how into them (him) I was. It's funny how everyone puts down the eighties as a musical era, and yet, how many songs from then keep popping up again? When you get past the styles (and every era's styles look silly ten years later) there was a lot of great writing going on then. Thanks for writing.

43)
I just read your story about making Pumping velvet and what you are showing through it. I have always dreamed of making a movie I have had in my head for years but just never thought it possible. Maybe by seeing your movie it will give me the inspiration to make it happen. I am very excited about seeing your creation and look forward to writing you with my comments if you would like them. Thank you so much for responding a sending the movie so quickly. It is very kind and gracious of you. I am very excited about seeing your creation especially after reading your views on your web site. I agree with and understand many of you points. I think in some ways I am like you in that I admit and own up to characteristics and aspects of my life. I am not necessarily proud or ashamed of any part of who I am. It is just who I am that's all. So thank you again and I will watch Pumping Velvet as soon as I get it and give you my impressions and thoughts on it.

44)
Hey Regan ~ I finally got over to my friends' place to watch your movie on a big screen. Impressive!! You're very talented. Sounds like your work is in much demand and that you spend a lot of your time working, and working out. Ever have time for fun? I was touched by the family photos and especially the parts about Roz, your sister, my cousin. How tragic and a big loss for you. I am sorry. I do remember Uncle Sonny telling me about my cousin with breast cancer. It's really hard not knowing who everyone is in our big family. Being on the west coast isolated us from most of the family. We know Uncle Sonny and Aunt Estelle the best. I was happy to hear you say that you have acceptance and support from your family. That's important. I'm hoping you can heal the wounds from your childhood. Being gay is not easy, we know, but your experiences seem extraordinary. I am very much looking forward to meeting you and giving you a big hug. We can compare life and family stories. My life isn't quite as exciting as yours but I have lots of good times (when not remodeling the house). Until we meet...take care, sweet dreams. Love, your cousin

45)
Regan, I have meant to write earlier about this. My partner and I had a chance to view your self-portrait film and found it very interesting and extremely well produced. As we produce Dance events during the Vancouver Pride weekend we would be interested in exploring the idea of having you do a stage performance at one of our event such as Rapture Black held on Friday July 30th in Vancouver BC. Do you have a choreographed number or something that you can propose us to do? On another note we are working with the Out on Screen Festival here in Vancouver (Queer Film Festival) and I would be interested in submitting your self portrait movie for a viewing. Do you currently have the rights to show your movie in public if this would be of interest to you? The film festival starts 3 days after Vancouver Pride weekend and we would be interested in presenting this movie with a "Meet the Director" event. I look forward to your reply.

46)
Hey, Just wanted to let you know I sent your film to my friend who's doing his masters/PHD study in gay development psychology. He just called me to tell me he loved it. He thought it was one of the most brilliant, thought-provoking pieces of art he's ever seen. He couldn't stop raving about the film, you, the message within your work, how important and courageous it is and how it must be seen by many many people. Starting with a showing at his college. He's at the University of Illinois in Champaigne. (near Chicago) This is a really big, well known school. Im glad to think that your project is going to start getting some of the notice it deserves. He a great friend, I know he'll do it justice in presenting it. Send them soon as you can while he's still telling everyone about it. Love u!

47)
Regan, I just wanted to drop you a quick note to say thanks for sending me a copy of your film. I won't go into details, but your film is amazing on so many levels. Thank you for sharing your story, thank you for your honesty and courage. I aspire to have the kind of courage that you display by putting your shit out in the world for people to admire and scrutinize. I would love to chat with you about it sometime. I see that you are crazy mad busy with Ms Jackson, congratulations! I hope that you are doing what you said you would do in your film, which is make time for love!
Peace.

48)
Dear Regan, I have watched BOTH videos!!!!! Quite impressive!!!! Now, I have to think about it--There is so much I think is fantastic--there are some things I wonder about, and there are things that I think are definitely more appealing or more timely to a younger audience than to my age group.

49)
Hey, Regan, I watched your movie. It was fab! Good to see someone else kicking ass. I hope to meet you sometime, though it'll be a while 'til I'm in LA as our film is revving up! 

Take care, 

John Cameron Mitchell

50)
Hey Regan, You are more than welcome for the "good review":) I meant every word of it. And I have re-watched the movie twice already with 2 different friends. I am so addicted, LOL. My partner and I are having some friends over this weekend and will play the DVD for about 4-5 couples so it WILL be seen!! I'll pass along your website to anyone I can also. I hope you have an AWESOME weekend!! You ROCK dude!!!!!!!!!!

51)
Regan, I received the copy of "pumping velvet" yesterday. Thank you for sending it to me. Although I have not watched it yet, I did return to your site today to re-read your disclaimer. As a result, I am wondering if you would have any advice...I mean how did you do it? Exactly, how did you manage to become so comfortable with yourself? I just turned 42, I am an artist, I seem to have lost my muse years ago. I have tried bodybuilding and even steroids to no avail. I am a black man that likes muscle. Race is not an issue. But you would think that I was the last troll from under the bridge by the responses I get from people. I have even made wrestling videos for BGEAST video company. But nothing seems to make me happy in the least. A big part of it is I hate my body. And all attempts to change have resulted in disaster. I am quite sure that you get plenty of emails as jumbled as this. By no means do I want to clog up you inbox. I am just really curious and thought I would give it a shot by asking.

52)
I saw your ad in Circuit Noize. And I saw your movie. It was very interesting, your metamorphosis from getting beat up to being adored and you dealing with both realities... how you reconstructed yourself and without changing who you are changed how you are perceived by others was very interesting- then there's your identification with black culture- almost like you were born with the wrong color but you have been successful even at being accepted by black culture being white... I think you are a chameleon... a little like Madonna reinventing herself with every trend. But I respect YOU... you're an artist.

53)
Regan: I just finished watching your life story and felt compelled to let you know that although there have been several mainstream films that have touched one part of me or another, or whose theme or message I could identify with, never, has a single movie evoked or provoked so much emotion, triggered so many memories, rattled so many skeletons, initiated so much envy, reinforced so much of my self-loathing, provided so much inspiration and left me as raw as your movie has. I think it was brave, real, honest, insightful, bold, provocative, inspirational and extremely cool of you to make your personal life so public. I appreciate and understand how much balls it takes to do that and I admire you for it. Your movie left my mind buzzing with thoughts and ideas and in fact one in particular kept popping back to the front of my mind as I watched that could truly allow you to make a difference to our society and know that your being alive made this world a better place to live. I don't want to take the time to type it all out here in case you hate long e-mails or this is no longer a e-mail address that you maintain and respond to or that you could even give a rat's ass what my idea is. But if you are interested and would like to hear what my suggestion is, please call me at the number listed just below my name or reply to this e-mail indicating you would prefer me to tell you my thought via e-mail rather than over the phone and I will will share it with you that way. Don't worry, I am not trying to solicit any type of donation or money, I am gonna try to hit you up for a job or a date, and I don't have any type of angle or scam or hidden agenda up my sleeve. It is just my thoughts that I think are worth listening to and are maybe even something you had considered yourself as it is. At any rate, thanks for taking the time to read this and thank you most of all for sharing your life story. It will rank as one of those movies I will always remember and made me feel proud to be gay. Thank you for that at the very least.

54)
Regan, I watched the film twice. I made sure that it was about a week apart. The first time I watched was for the purpose of just sitting and enjoying without expectation or opinion. It was an opportunity to just absorb the work. The second viewing allowed me to see things I didn't catch the first time. First and foremost what a brave thing to do: not only making this piece, but distributing such a personal and intimate work.

One thing that I could not help but notice was the amount of symbolism, whether intentional or not, that filled the entire piece. One part in particular was in the opening sequence where you stop to take a piss at the foot of what appears to be one of many windmills. Windmills, for years interrupted as icons representing dreams, flights of fancy, hope and inspiration. Whether it was a testament of how dreams can be pissed on, or whether it was a statement saying, "You can not piss on my dreams because I have marked this territory" this image stood out during both viewings. Like everything, it is interoperation. There were obvious odes to the love hate feelings for Madonna. The Black /White sequences versus the color were influenced by the "Truth or Dare" period. The calm question and answer sequences versus the raw unrestrained commentary while in the pool presented very different sides of you. The Black/White portions showed how much you are in control of your environment while you are an editor. The rawness of the pool shots showed your anger and frustration, the lack of control you have outside of the environment in which you work. I related strongly to the segment with your sister. I am the eldest of four children. My sister is the baby with two brothers in between. Of the entire family, she gets me. The thought of losing her as I watched your sister's transformation was wrenching In contrast, I thoroughly enjoyed the " Death of Eminem". The most difficult portion to watch was the sexual preference segment. To be clear, I understand that this is what you like. However, my first lover dumped me because I was not hung like "BAMM", if not bigger after meeting him in college and spending seven years with this man. He was my first and to be honest, I have not let too many people close to me since. It is hard enough being Black and Gay, but the expectation of being hugely hung is oppressing. After he dumped me and told me " The thought of having sex with you again is morbid" I hid. The few attempts at dating or even sex ended with guys leaving messages on my answering machine stating one of the following: "Hey, I had a great time, but I just wanted to see what the big deal was about you. I'm not interested in seeing you again. The sex was fun, but I would have enjoyed it more if you had a big cock." " Returning your call. I can't hook up anymore. I met a real man. Unlike you, he has a big dick and can take care of me the way I need to be taken care of. So, good luck. Bye" " I only wanted to have you fuck me to see what you ex was so hung up about. He wouldn't leave you for me." I have rarely been called "faggot" in my life. I have seen it happen to other people and have felt that hurt with them and for them. But to have your worth judged by something you have no control over is as oppressive as being harassed daily. Trust me if I could afford surgical enhancement, I would do it. As it stands now, I am afraid to take my clothes off in front of another man. The man in the pictures with J'Lo after here impromptu concert at the white party lived in Atlanta for a short time. I don't recall his name, however I do know that he was wildly popular. I very much enjoyed the film school video featuring the Dead or Alive song. It jus so happens to be my favorite song by them. Currently I am getting ready to compete in my first Bodybuilding contest. I am terrified. Lastly, I enjoyed the work. I wish you luck finding love. I have attached a pick for no other reason but to not be another anonymous face.

55)
Regan, I have to admit that I did not expect such a quick and lengthly response. You are quite welcome, but I did nothing but watch and respond as you requested. I am happy to know that my observations were on the mark. Sometimes knowing that you "aren't imagining things" is half the battle. Although I initiated contact with you regarding finding my muse, by no means did I mean to delve into my personal demons. I began life as a straight man as well or so I thought. I wish I would have documented the occasion as you did. The confusing thing for me was never which I liked more...men or women. To be honest I just wanted to have sex. The complications arose when that desire singled someone out that was not interested in the same with me. Regarding the "HUGE COCK" it is my issue. As a result, I will not date again. The funny thing is, I'm not small, but I keep meeting men that must require 10 and up. I imagine that it would be easier to pay for sex than to try to meet people in the future. Though an "RENT BOY" may talk poorly about clients to friends, I am sure it must be in bad taste to do to a clients face...unless requested of course. I appreciate that you recognize the complexity of the use of the "N-WORD". I don't use it. I stopped many years ago after seeing Richard Pryor and hearing him say he would not use it. Now I do, however, hear that a lot as a gay man out in the world more than I ever hear someone call me faggot. It is depressing that that is all gay boys see when they see me or anyone of color. I would like to chat sometime as well. As I stated, I am planning on competing in October for the first time. I guess a last ditch hope at resolving my body issues. Anyway, I could use some advice from someone that has done it before. In addition, I welcome the chance to discuss the movie and whatever else you want to talk about.

56)
Hello, I am a gay man living in NY with my partner. We are happy, adjusted, accepting, controversial, outspoken, demonstrative, stand-out, stand-up, hardworking, gay men. I admire what you've done, would like to learn more about you, correspond with you, and see your movie. I am impressed with your attitude, your vision, and your commitment... to your project, to yourself, and to your world. Let me know how I can learn more about you and get a copy of your DVD. THANKS!

57)
Hola Girl, I'm sending this to you in hopes my boyfriend and I can purchase a copy of your PUMPING VELVET self-portrait, we were totally excited to hear from you. YOU REALLY, really touched us. Seriously I cried like 4 times just couldn't help it. It was so beautiful and so real! I loved it loved it loved it!! WE hope we can meet sometime since we think you are just rad human!

58)
You really made my birthday. Thanks so much man. You're a really cool guy. I was expecting a kind of self-indulgent, hot muscle boy, who thought his shit didn't stink, but yet, in his self-absorption, willing to share his beauty with everyone. What I got was a handsome muscle-boy who's real with himself and allows himself to befriend anyone who wants to befriend him as long as they're not superficial. I think you're extremely intelligent and I would love to hang out with you some more. Everyone that I have met that has crossed your path has nothing but kind words and I think that's really important when sharing art. No one wants to see, or be part of a man's art whom they view as an asshole. You're DVD was awesome. I was kind of confused though. The guy in the DVD (AVIDDIVA) seems to be quite different then the Regan I met. Maybe Avid, is to be looked at as a man that has something to say and not afraid of saying, and Regan is just a cool guy who's living through Avid's experiences, and embraces the worlds beauty, but excepts that its not perfect. I guess we have to hang out more when I'm not drunk and stoned. LOL. Tyrese? You sure have a thing for homophobic thugz don't you- LOL. I don't like Tyrese because there's something that just doesn't transcend well over the screen. His personality seems very one side and cold. I think he's nothing but a hip-hop version of Tyson Beckford, whom I've met and has way more character. Now Tyson, I could understand. And what an awesome transition you made from pudgy boy to muscle stud. Now, show Toby Maguire, how to do that so he looks good for the next spider-man movie. Did I disappoint you buy leaving? I wasn't quite sure where we were going, and if something was expected from me, but you were HOT and I loved your feet. I have this thing for guys with nice feet and as you've noticed, I didn't hesitate to touch them. Holla at me hottie- fill me in on all that's going on in your life.

59)
Hi Regan, we spoke on the phone about a year ago -- my partner had worked with you in Italy or Miami a while ago (directing I believe). I requested your reel and it never came... until a few weeks ago. The DVD's were sitting by my desk for weeks. I've been busy and falling prey to the Italians' "vacation mentality" and things start to slow down and nobody wants to work, August vacation is coming up and you get lazy. More than once I was ready to just bring the DVD's downstairs and park them in our archive shelves and get to them eventually. But every time I said NO. There's something here- something unique. You must watch these now. And I did. Just now. My Lord! I started with the AVIDDIVA reel. I had no idea what an incredible editor you are. I've been living in Milan for over six years and am no longer in the LA loop (I used to cast for commercials / music videos). Unbelievable. Then I watched "Pumping Velvet"- riveting, brilliant, moving, light, and scandalous... GREAT reference material, an editing dream! HOT, sad, sweet, edgy, real- LIFE. I really enjoyed it and just wanted to let you know. Thanks for the trip!

60)
Hey Regan, thanks for responding immediately. That's an awesome website. It's funny that you have a still from a film of your first sexual encounter- that's quite fascinating man. I myself have in interest in spinning and I do some assistant spinning with a friend of mine here in NYC. I'm glad that someone like you, who can inspire others to excel, is out of the closet, secure, and embraces his sexuality. Being gay and in the Arts, is more then just a sexual preference. It revolutionizes art, whether you're a dancer, actor painter, singer, etc., it allows you to have a no-holds-barred attitude which enhances your creativity which can be pushed on so many levels. If you're doing any circuit parties, or spinning anywhere in NYC, if it's possible, you can add me to you're mailing list so I too, can patronize your parties.

61)
Not only are you hot and handsome, but you sound incredibly interesting. I'd love a DVD!

62)
Hey Regan. A friend of yours showed me your DVD, the other night, and I loved it. A lot of it resonated with me and I'd appreciate if you could send me a few copies (5+) of your DVD so I could share with my friends too. I showed the copy to a personal trainer friend last night and he wanted the DVD to show to his ex so I gave it to him. I didn't realize that there was so much negative gay portrayals in the media until you compiled them all together in your "self-portrait". Congrats on finally completing it. You gotta' love the honesty and openness of it.

63)
Regan, I want to thank you for sending me a copy of your "Self-Portrait" "Pumping Velvet". I wish that I would have known someone like you when I was growing up. P.S. I also wish I was Black and Hung... just the way you like them. You are one Hunk of a guy.

64)
Regan, After having visited your site and reading your disclaimer, I am totally "sold," so to speak, even though you're not able to charge for the film. I would love to get a copy of the film.

I must admit to you this: I'm a writer by trade with credits at the Village Voice, the Fader, and Vibe. I would love to one day pitch your film to a magazine, should there be open ears from an editor in the press. I thought of what you said about having something to show the younger generation. I often get frustrated at the reflections of gay life that I see on the television, and how little they have to do with reflecting something to feed our discourse on where to take our fight for acknowledgement as first class citizens and how much they have to do with a cheap laugh or soft pornography. I suppose I shouldn't expect much from TV, but what you said in your "disclaimer" made me think how ridiculous it is to just settle for this. I often get angry at gay-directed media because it's so in control of advertising from the pharmaceuticals, travel and fashion industry that they can't give people an honest, clear message about gay life. The media feeds us this bullshit idea of equality by consumerism, with a homogenous, cookie-cutter image of how "gay" looks and feels like. You're either 'straight-acting' and muscle bound and gorgeous, or you're not. You're either effeminate, constantly "on," fashion-obsessed, and thin, or you're not. You're either black and thugged out and nihilistic and heartless, or you're not. None of it reflects reality, but it misshapes the perspective that we and others lend ourselves in reality. Last night I was walking home in a pink polo shirt. I suppose it was warranted when some teenager yelled "faggot!" at me out of his car, but the truth is that it wasn't. It made me realize that a lot of the inroads we seem to have made are mostly cosmetic, lost in the slather of decidedly anti-visceral imagery that is paraded as pop culture these days. MTV Networks wants to start a new channel for gays and lesbians: will it be as divisive and sensationalistic as the random sampling of gay reality dating shows we've seen lately? Or it will merely paint us onto the patterned wallpaper of one blandular vision of "style" as "Queer Guy" has? I loved your statement on steroids: you have the picture of a needle going in the butt to represent another reality that the media stigmatizes and ignores rather than approaches even-handedly and assessing the reality of where it fits in gay men's lives. I would love for you to send me a copy of your film. You have an amazing body as a bodybuilder, but I was very much captivated by what I'm guessing are your own amazing illustrator-rendered drawings. Some of them made me cry! I'm very serious! It would be amazing to see if those are in the film.

65)
Dear Regan, I am an openly gay literature/film student at USC. I would very much enjoy seeing your movie "Pumping Velvet." I hope your message gets heard, as it is very necessary. Sadly, I still see a great deal of homophobia and a lot of hot macho guys struggling with their sexual orientation.

66)
Regan, thank you for the awesome DVD, you did a phenomenal job. I am sorry I am not black! All the best!

PS: There is a thread on you in the "Lust & Life" forum of www.muscleservice.com. You may want to join, you will find many like souls.

67)
Got the DVD's. LOVED them both. I have tons of questions if we can talk more or maybe meet when you are in NYC. What is your "gig" and when are you here? Where are you staying? Let me know. The AVIDDIVA DVD was great. I am highly impressed with your editing work. There are a few things about the movie that I think may make it more marketable. Are you interested in more exposure with it, and willing to deal with networks that might air in (cable) but would want it edited down? My only comment about it is that the footage from other films etc could be cut down a bit, but I love it as it is... I just know they will find it too long. If they were to bite at it, I am sure they would get the necessary permissions for the use of most of the footage if you have not. Get back to me when you have time and let me know when, where, why and how long you will be in NYC. I was also wondering which image of you was most recent... the armchair interviews, the later competition stuff or the editing desk scene with the producer? And by the way... I would have loved to see you sit down on the friggin' dildo! But don't think that would have in any way added to the films marketability... well, maybe it would have a little! LOL. Talk to you soon.

68)
Hi Regan, I've read all what you wrote on your website... and I would like to watch the DVD before I tell you my thoughts. Just to tell, I'm gay too and was born in 1961. So I did my come-out in 1980-81 and started an active gay-life in the 80's too. I've been through homophobia and lots of other disappointments... I wonder what it is for younger guys to do their come-out now... but before I say more, let's watch your movie!

69)
Hi, Regan: Thanks for writing me back. I will leave you my contact information for the free DVD at the end of this email. Now, you've piqued my curiosity about your use of the N-word. As someone who has a doctorate in African-American Studies, I'd like to get your insight as to why you've used it at all and using it while having sex with a Black man. There is a topic going on at a message board that I am a moderator at regarding racial slurs during sex. You said you regret no longer using the N-word or did you mean you regret ever having used it? I must commend you though on the change to not using the word. Heck, I hate when other Blacks use it even if it is considered a term of endearment. I don't buy the term of endearment thing but it is different when a non-Black uses the word. I also want to commend you on making this movie. I'm sure it will be one where you've thought and gone outside of the box to speak to the mainstream about the ills of homophobia and racism when the mainstream is the primary force that only promotes what they want to promote about homosexuals and minorities. The things they may promote are untrue to manipulate the masses about us to be against us. Whenever one wants to shape the perceptions of the public nationwide, the media is the first place to go to do that. I know this from my studies and my career working in the media studying this. And Regan, you seem like a pretty cool gentleman to talk to, so I'd like to communicate with you more. As a fellow gay man, I look forward to seeing your movie and perspective on the bigotry gays and ethnic minorities face. In addition, I am not doing this to study you. I'm doing this to learn and share my experiences as a gay Black man with other gays and members of the mainstream.

70)
Regan - I would like to order a copy of your DVD. Sounds very interesting, would like to see it. Being a gay man in this world definitely can have its challenges and problems, and its good to see someone who is not afraid to express himself - and his life. I've had lots of challenges growing up gay myself, but have managed to end up ok, and am doing well. How are you handling the shipping costs? Amount? Donations?

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Warm Canadian West coast Hello's Regan... I am not sure if you actually see this yourself, or you have a hired hand that processes this stuff for you, but I wanted to drop you a line anyways. I am sorry that I missed your performance over Pride cause I was too busy working. I did however take the time out to watch Pumping Velvet with Chantal when we got home on Monday. BRILLIANT... That's all I can say. Within a minute of it starting I knew it was going to be amazing, and you did not disappoint. I wish I had more time to talk to you while you were in Vancouver. You are a fascinating person... an icon indeed. I hope that our paths cross again, and if they do, I would like to spend more time talking with you. Thanks hon... you are so sweet. What's pretty interesting for me is that I think I hung out with people just like you in high school. I totally related to your first bit for film school.

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Hey, I applaud you for your disclaimer, with its truthfulness and honesty. But mostly you seem real. A friend of mine saw your movie and suggested I see it. Could I get a copy? Peace,

73)
Dear Mr. Ford- I saw your film Pumping Velvet while on a screening committee for the Seattle Lesbian and Gay Film Festival. I was very impressed by the overall quality of production. I loved the animation pieces. The content was edgy, provocative and raw. In short, I really liked it and would like to have a copy. I saw on your website that you were distributing them for free. It would be great if you could send one. I showed it to a couple of friends when I screened it for the festival. They really dug it too! This is a movie that is all about you. You wrote it, starred in it, paid for it, distributed it and lived it. I think doing a project like this can come across as you being a little full of yourself. I sort of liked the cocky and bombastic way you say with the film "This is me whether you like it or not". You don't edit out scenes that portray you in an unflattering way. It seemed very honest and real. You are one guy and this is your life. You are like no one I know, but you are part of what being gay in America is all about just as much as anyone else. Like I said before I liked the film. These days anyone who can get their hands on a video recorder and I-movie is making films. Yours really stood out. I'd like more people to see it. I can't tell you what kind of movie you should make...whatever you do don't make a poor quality, whiny documentary about lesbians trying to make babies...there is a glut of those on the market.

PS. I think it would be very hard not to be defensive about a work like this, because it is so personal. If people criticize the film it could easily feel like they are criticizing you. I wish you the very best of luck in getting it shown.
 

ONLINE THREAD
Pumping Velvet is the name of a film made by Regan Ford, about himself, growing up gay and, I would say, quite confused and becoming a bodybuilder. It is sent for free to whoever requests it. It has several sexy & erotic good parts, posing, a collage of black muscle and dick (his obsession) and a (simulated?) fuck scene with a big guy (black). Lots of music, video and film clips.

There are some interesting artistic shots. Some other shots (in shower showing back needs to be lightened, you cant see anything)
The cornrows have got to go.

I'm in TOTAL agreement about the cornrows! In my opinion, only men of color can carry (or could carry) that look, white boys just look silly. Again, just my opinion.

Great post, he is a hot guy, how does one go about getting the clips you spoke of?

Scroll down on the link. It's posted there about the clips. Email him.
 

The cornrows are actually a good look on him.... I'm black and I have to say that not all white guys look silly in rows. Some black guys wear cornrows and it just doesn't work for them. I see other black boys wearing rows and they look like sweet angels I wanna go take home and corrupt... David Beckham rocked the rows for a minute and they looked really flattering on him... but David is a thug...his attitude makes it happen. Which is all you need, really.

Meanwhile, I'm very intrigued by this film... besides the obvious reasons.

He is a handsome man. Glad that some has enough nerve to do a sex scene with a black man. And, at least he is putting it out there. So, before you make a statement. Look in the mirror first. We all enjoy looking at these men and the work they've done with their bodies. But, how many of us would put our lives out there for the public to see? Very few. I'm just glad he is doing it. I hope that more will follow. But, I know that will not happen simply because some of you would not leave them alone if they did. Kudos to him for just being!

They're not just clips, this is a 2hr or so film; he gives away the DVDs because they are full of copyright material, hence he cannot sell them. It's an amazing production job and very professionally done.

This guy is fine as hell.

I can't stand cornrows, braids, dreadlocks, or large Afros- combed or otherwise- on a man regardless of race. I don't like long hair on a man either, but this guy wears his cornrows well. I'm also a Black man and some men look good with this stuff in/on their hair and others don't regardless of race, but still those styles turn me off though for some men like Omar Deckard, who wore cornrows, I'll make the exception. I like the clean-cut look. I see that Regan loves Black men as well from the guys he likes on his Bigmuscle page.

Wow. This guy is a frickin' stud!

Cornrows, shaved heads, short hair, long hair ... it all depends on the particular guy. I think this guy looks great with the cornrows. But I feel he is one of the very few who can pull it off. I was so excited by the film and by the illustrations that Regan created that I wrote a feverish email to him about it and he wrote back with no problem. I think what he's doing is wonderful, even before I've actually seen the movie. Too many of our own and other people's perceptions of gay life are created by the Hollywood and New York media/advertising machines... I love that he's taking a stand to express some very un-politically correct views.

Just got the film in the mail. It surpassed all my expectations! Regan clearly gave a lot of himself to produce this film, and I appreciate it. He showed a gay man's life for all its shortcomings and triumphs, and a self-actualized person who can see the outside of it all and have acceptance for himself. I think in pop culture, you rarely get an example of gay men for everything that really are. Pop culture casts the image of gay men however they want to see them, usually in a negative light, usually with one facet. It's no wonder that so many gay men cling to the term "straight-acting." The media has created an idea of gayness for us all that's hardly reflective of reality. Regan intercuts his story with successive clips from all over the film and television world that repeatedly illustrate how Hollywood can't see gay men outside of a context of brutal violence and death. Regan put himself into the equation to give us a visceral image, that's more complex than what most people are used to: a bodybuilder who experiences both his fits of queeniness, intense masculinity, child-like excitement, and jaded melancholy all in one person. He's a professional, focused creative in one instance and a fierce diva of the circuit in another... Like all other human beings. I'm loving this film! Every gay man in America should see it, or try to produce their own filmed self-portraits. The world would be a better place for gay men if we did!

This film came home from a circuit party with my lover. I really enjoyed it and was moved by the "goodbye to love" segment. So many parallels to my own life, from being labeled gay before sexually aware to the almost obsessive pursuit of muscle. The painstaking chronicling of portrayals of gays in the media was most appreciated (if hard to watch in places). And I thought the animation was good. I shared in the rage the film maker felt toward Eminem and those who were his apologists, though Madonna had a lot further to fall in his eyes than mine. Turn offs included the smoking of tobacco (yuck) and the quote "If you can't fill a magnum xxl you can't fill me" (how to stay lonely= set the bar really high). I'm glad the cornrows are gone. Next time he performs at an event with my hubby I will request an introduction.

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Hey now! Just keeping in touch and making sure we have not dropped the ball. We want to know what's happening with the movie promotions and we still want to be a part. We are having two big dance events in Palm Springs and would like to invite you along with pushing this AWESOME movie. The first event is SPINball 5, which will be on Labor Day weekend and the other is BOOball, which is on Halloween night. We'd like to give away some of your DVDs, show some scenes on the big screen and maybe just hang up a bunch of banners that say PUMPING VELVET. Let us know your thoughts. Do you have a trailer of the movie? I'd like to get a copy to push people to your site. Are you still interested in getting the footage we shot? I can send you a copy. Let's get this movie to the masses because I believe it's a life changer! Hugs & Kisses, Allen & Corey PNN - PrideNation Network

75)
Hi Regan, first I slipped it in my iMac to check if I could read it... and after a few seconds I knew I would love this movie! WOW! This is a superb work you did! I can guess it took a lot of time to do. Everything is damn good: the generic, the family shots, the cartoons, the interview, the collection of movie scenes cuts, the circuit party show... and the 5.1 sound, too. The photography is superb too. I believe this will become a cult movie at least in the gay culture. I saw it twice already, because English being not my mother tongue, I didn't grab all of it yet :-) I think it describes very well what every gay is after: Love. I feel your movie is kinda saying "love me (as I am)" at all times. We are living in a world of lusty images yet we all desperately look after simple love. The love we maybe didn't get earlier in life... I am no different in this respect. You say that as gay men we live so much in our fantasy because we need to construct so much to exist. This is why in 4 weeks I will start a "primal therapy" in Venice. Ever heard of this? You are not only a gay, editor, bodybuilder icon... you are a dancer, too ;-).

76)
Hey Regan, kid, I know your "in" box must be overflowing with email from guys, but I had to add to the clutter. I have never seen someone who looks like you. I'm almost without words for how incredible you look. You are absolutely amazing. You are HANDS DOWN one of THE best-built athletes in bodybuilding. As weird as it might sound to hear, you have an excitingly beautiful physique. Your classic physique is nothing short of stunning. Everything about your physique is awesome - from your face, to your chest and shoulders, biceps, abs. But what really blows me away are your quads. That's pure muscle. And I'd be lying if I didn't say the shape, form and size of your muscular glutes weren't the essence of perfection, they get me hard just thinking about them. The grace, majesty and beauty of your body is what body building is all about and, indeed, is the standard to which others should aspire. Your champion body is heads and shoulders above others in your sport. Regan, there's so much I'd like to know/see of you. I'm interested in every/anything. I know that you have your own life in Los Angeles and you're undoubtedly bombarded with email from guys from all over but if you have any time in your schedule to write or call back, I would really enjoy getting to know you. It would be an honor to know a man of your stature. If you're half as interesting as you are physically and visually captivating there's no doubt that you'd capture my interest for a very long time. I'm an easy-going, nice looking 28 year old, African-American former soccer player. My entertainment job led me to move to Chicago (I was debating between here and LA). I'm not into games, bullshit or drama. I respect and admire what I have seen and read about you and would like to know more. You are an inspiration of physical perfection, and, from all I have read, your kindness is overreaching. Any way you look at it, you are an outstanding human being. Take it easy and thanks for adding so much awesomeness to the sport of bodybuilding.

P.S. I didn't mean to blow your box up by writing so much, but you're about one of the finest men I have seen and I had to let you know! Holla back!

77)
Hello! I've been following your thread on the Muscle Service Station, and I must say you sound intelligent, thoughtful, reflective and wise enough to use all of those qualities to gain a healthy perspective on who you are, in addition to being beautiful, astoundingly imposing and titilatingly sexual. All in all, you compose one wholly fascinating portrait. And, yes, add me to the list of MSS forum readers who was more surprised that the initial discussion on your thread revolved around your braids and not your ass, too, lol. I mean, few things are as sexy to me as a hunky white bodybuilder who gets off on "big black dick." And I say this as a very fit if not bber-sized 24 y.o. white boy who feels the same way. Congratulations on your successes, and I hope to catch one of your performances on the circuit somewhere, someday. Thanks!

78)
Regan, I just watch the film, great work and what a life, thank you for sharing it. You seem like real down to earth man. Good luck!

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Regan Dude, I wanted to thank you again for the DVD's and check in with you RE: getting some more- LOL. At this point I have gaggles asking me for copies of "Pumping Velvet". I had to give my copy away- (to a good cause)- So dude I have tons of AD's all want'in copies of their own so any U can spare, send them on by.

80)
Hey Regan! Uh, WOW! I almost don't know where to begin. This video takes my breath away. I have to watch something like this several times to get the full impact. My first impressions: I actually forced myself not to fast-forward to the circuit dance. It's terrific, one of the most erotic and sensual performances I've seen. Totally nails my, ah... preferences. But that's not the point. I've always been intensely curious about the motivation of bodybuilders. My partner of 15 years is a bodybuilder, so I have some small idea. But he doesn't articulate as well as you, much as I love him. You've answered so accurately a question that I'm not sure I ever knew exactly how to ask. It's so hard to pin down. You know? You are one of these guys who move the world. Bravo. I'll write more later when I catch my breath.

81)
Regan, my BF and I watched it last night and we were blown away. You've done a brilliant job, there's no doubt about it. The pacing, the dialogue, the whole thing is terrific. Wow, we couldn't get over the animation, it was wonderful. After all is said and done, you told a universal story about love and loving and told it very, very well. We're going to watch it again tonight and then we're giving it to my BF's 35-year-old nephew whose growing-up story is very similar to yours.

82)
Hi Regan, Wow!! That was great! I just got your video today and watched it, and really enjoyed it. And also the production quality- excellent! In particular the part about your sister, Roslyn, was very, very moving and I was very touched (and in other places in the film). There were so many other things there that really got me, especially about how gay people are treated in society. I think I've led a sheltered life in that I haven't seen too many films with gay people as the subjects where there were bashings. (I had seen a few - I just didn't know there were so many more out there). I really got a kick out of the scenes from "Sordid Lives" among others. Some friends in Palm Springs took me to see it at the Camelot there. Kind of a cult film classic now. I also totally agree with you about some of the actors who play gay characters, like the guy who plays Jack in "Will and Grace", should really just get over the fear and come out already. Staying in the closet and giving it that kind of power is what causes others to not want to come out, because they imply (by staying in) that being gay is worse than anything. And I never knew that Eminem was such a homophobe. I don't want to ramble on too long in this email back to you and take too much of your time. I just wanted to say 'hi' and tell you how much I'm impressed with you. That you're willing to tell your story so openly to the world is, I think, very healthy. I also believe this can really help other GLBT people in their coming out process. Thank you very much again for sending me your film! (Please do more!)

83)
Regan, I watched your video last night and I was honestly amazed by the quality of the production. I believe it takes a courageous man to put his life on display, so I applaud your efforts. It would seem as though you have grown and developed a lot, especially considering the hand you were dealt. I was most impressed with your pursuit of bodybuilding. I am currently trying to turn my dreams about bodybuilding into something tangible. I've always wanted to be big and now I'm trying to do something about it. I'm impressed at how you've gone after what you wanted and actually found a measure of success and happiness in the process.

84)
Hey Regan, Got the movie, thanks. Loved it - it was very nicely done - especially liked the dance sequence, it was perfect, hot (loved you with the glowsticks in the pool). It really is a moving piece - touched on so much of what I feel or have felt in dealing with myself and what I want out of life. I hope you find the love you're looking for.

85)
Regan, I just wanted to say thanks for a moving and inspiring video. I admire your courage and think you have some real gifts with media presentation. I wish you every success in all your endeavors - it was a pleasure to "meet" you. Stay proud!!

86)
Hi Regan - Received the DVD yesterday. Very intriguing - I thought it was brilliant! Thanks!

87)
Hey Regan, I am writing to say thanks so much for the DVD. I really enjoyed it, and want to wish you well with EVERYTHING. You are a super talented guy in many ways, and beyond that, your story deserves telling. The way you did so in "Pumping velvet" was original, compelling, and at times touching. It made me angry, repulsed, happy, sad, bewildered, charmed - kept me interested the way many movies these days cannot. Your mentioning at the beginning why you made the film and reasons for distributing it FOC made so much sense. I think you should submit it to a film festival though, it deserves an award. You really have made an excellent film. I did not agree with everything you had to say, but I did like the way you told your story and made your point. The teddy bear thing is cute. The Eminem sequence was particularly well crafted. The animation sequences throughout were excellent. My boyfriend is watching it now, and he is enjoying it too (he will write later). Once again, thank you for sharing your story with us. And you will (if not already) find the right guy to love because you deserve it and are more than worthy!!!!!!! Cheers!

89)
Hi Regan, Loved it!! On so many different levels. What an amazing story and amazing journey. Thank you for sharing your life with the rest of us. THE GAP

90)
Regan, Thank you for sending me the DVD so promptly. I have had the pleasure of reviewing this and it is an excellent production. Very profound, I was especially touched by the Goodbye to Love section, in which you talked about your sister. The 'outing' in your early school years, the self-loathing, angst, et cetera. All too familiar. Your segue on homophobia in the Black community was spot on. The choice of music videos and TV/film skits was on point. Keep up the good work. Stay strong.

91)
Hello Regan (may I call you Regan?). Again I must say thank you for sending me a copy of your DVD. It was a very brave and revealing piece of work which or more than one occasion made me laugh. As well as think and roll my eyes up to the sky and gasp as well. Loved the animation pieces (especially the ones with J-lo and her various beaus or should that be beaux... and what's up with marrying that dancer? ... He just HAS to be gay). Interesting that your schoolmates seemed to know you were gay before you were... I kinda went through the same thing but I guess that was because I was always hanging around girls (which thinking back should have made a hetero super-stud really). Loved your take on Janet Jackson and I pretty much agreed with your observation on Will & Grace. Also agree with your thoughts on Elton John. I mean I know Eminem's a top selling artist and all but does that mean all integrity has to go out the window. But you sorta freaked me out with the whole shooting scenario but I guess you had to vent. Naturally I loved your porno scene. But the guy fucking the orange (at least I think it was an orange) was a bit stupid. Your love scene was absolutely fantastic, and I loved the rave scene where you were performing (tell me were those costumes based on Conan the Barbarian and Thor God of Thunder). A couple of questions though... There's a scene where you show all contents of your drugs and diet. I wonder if you were making a point about everything you have to take to maintain your physique or whether you were perhaps making a point about the how much it takes to maintain the gay lifestyle. Stay strong big guy.

92)
Here are some feelings about your DVD [I hope this email does not look like a boring essay to you. ;-) ... Mr. Ford ] (A) Major Chunks of feelings: * Relationship between you and your sister: That is the most touching and heartbreaking part. After people are born, they are getting increasingly isolated from others to protect themselves. I am sure your sister was one of closest and most important person to you in the whole world. Especially, I guess you were being bullied a lot when you were kind. I guess she would be one of only few close friends around your age when you were a kid. It must be extremely heartbreaking for you when you saw your sister's life fading away during her suffering of cancer. On a side note: it is first time for me to know and see that the cancer / drugs related to cancer would make someone over-weighted. I still have the tough time to imagine the beautiful bride and the lady on the bed is the same person. * Exploring religion conflict: In America, there is only one kind of religion which dominates on how typical Americans form their moral standards and how they view spirituality - i.e. Christianity ... And, for some reasons (which I am still trying to find out), USA is actually quite conservative compared with other developed countries. (That's why G.W.Bush still have around 50% support) ... Since bible explicitly condemns homosexual act, that causes a lot of unnecessary hardship to gay people ... either pressured by some religious groups or conservative policy makers. Some other religion viewpoint can be quite different. Buddhist views our current life are just one of many incarnations. This life we may be male, next life we may be female ... or even other kinds of animals. And, our sex gender is just one of our external attributes ... and our sex desire is just one of our desires. From Buddhist viewpoints, homosexual desire or heterosexual desire are the same. Just like other desires, sexual desire can give us suffering and make us lose ourselves in lust. And, homosexual desire is no eviler than heterosexual desire. (And, of course, I am one of the people who get lost in the lust and desire). If America has truly embraced a multi-polar viewpoint on religion, I guess gay people's life may be easier. 

These religion difference shows in the following news: When SF city started issuing marriage certificate to gay couples, Cambodian king backs gay marriage: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/3505915.stm * Pop culture: Stereotyping is a part of human nature. Human samples "data" around them. Based on the sampling, they formed their perception and feelings/opinion of certain things by generalizing those data points. If their strength of opinion is proportional to their sampling size, then it is a form of reasonable thinking. However, if someone forms a very strong opinion with a small sampling size, then that is a form of prejudice/stereotyping. Hence, stereotyping usually happens to things/people which are not that well understood / known. Basically, anything/anyone deviates from the mainstream will get stereotyped. Stereotyping exists for all kinds of people and all walks of life. Most stereotypes are negative but some positive. e.g.

muscles => dumb
black => dangerous criminal, big dick
asian/jews> smart but cheap money grabber, small dick
lawyer => dishonest, greedy
actor => incapable of having a serious relation
And, of course, gay cannot escape stereotyping:
gay => sissy, sick, weird

In pop culture, people (especially comedians) will take advantage of those stereotypes and try to make fun and jokes out of them. During this process, stereotype will be further reinforced unfortunately. Victims will continue to be victims. However, if the stereotyping character has a positive side with it, I personally can accept it and laugh with it at the same time. E.g. on Mad TV, there was a character called "Ms Swan". It was a white woman actress acting like an Asian woman with make-up and accents, pretending to have small eyes, and etc. Her famous quote was: "he look-alike man." whenever she needs to describe a guy, she always just says something like that to "showcase" her poor English. But, I and other Asian friends still like this character. Because, she has a sassy and funny side. Here are few examples of jokes of bad stereotyping from Jay Leno: (1) few yrs ago, a Chinese nuclear scientist was accused by CIA that he leaked out nuclear secret to Chinese govt. The woman world cup soccer game happened around the same time. One joke that Jay pulled out was: Chinese fans are buying nuclear secret instead of hotdog during the soccer game. This kind of jokes really crossed the line implying all Chinese are spies or traitors. (2) There was a spy plane from US got crashed with a Chinese Military plane. The US spy plane forced to land on Chinese soil and US plane crew were detained there for weeks. And, they finally came back after negotiation between US and Chinese govts. Jay Leno pulled out another joke saying that: on the plane coming on home, the plane was showing "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" as in-flight movie. I forgot the exact wordings in Jay's joke. Basically, he said US crews got really got sick of seeing Chinese again. I am wondering whether Jay Leno can get away with same kind of jokes, if the target are other races or social groups. I am wondering how people would feel, if the US crew were detained in some Africa countries, then whether Jay Leno would say the same joke with Barbershop as the in-flight movie. Jokes with positive sides ... I can accept ... But, jokes with a blanket-statement of negativity or denial of acceptance of certain social groups are very very bad. That will just spawn hate and more mis-understanding. If the targets are gay people, that will be factor to create more homophobic feelings among ignorant people. Of course, one step further is actually provoking violence against certain groups of people - e.g. Eminem's lyrics ... An idea crossed my mind that a civil suit may be brought against Eminem, Jay Leno or his writers about their insensitive content creation. If I was a lawyer and/or I had enough money, I may do that ... * "killing" Eminem part: That was kind of disturbing to me, when I viewed that segment for the first time. I was thinking whether this Ford guy really wants to do that kind of thing? I have that thought because some (suppressed/depressed) people would send out a public signal to cry for help right before the edge of doing crazy things (e.g killing others or suicide). (Remember the Columbine HS gun incident...?) Then, after viewing the second time and thinking a bit more, I guess you are more up for "an eye for an eye" ... "letting them taste their own medicine" ... kind of situation. Let Eminem and other people feel about what if somebody create some media that provoke violence against Eminem himself. It is kind of revenge at the media creation level. (B) Minor misc comments: * bodybuilding: I like your bodybuilding scene of your film and the final shape and form of your bodybuilding product. It might be a good idea to provide some snapshots of photos or short video clips that document the progress of bodybuilding every few months in chronological order. * dancing part: The scene which you dressed up and danced in a "club" is beautiful ... and ... very BEAUTIFUL ... :-) ... Colors, lighting, dancing and dressing styles are all nicely put together. [I am thinking to use that part as my workout video to encourage myself to workout more. I have 20 lbs to lose. :) ] * Teddy bear: I really do like that you were carrying the Teddy bear with you when you were checking in the hotel. I hope you are as cuddly as the teddy bear in real person :-) * Fast-forwarding of your home movie tape of your first heterosexual act: that was very good also. Did you ask the permission the lady involved to publish this tape? (C) Few parts I don't understand at the beginning of the movies: * first monologue during blank black screen ... [Actually, I could not hear all the words that you said ... you may want to add closed caption for the next edition of your DVD. :-)] * stopping by the wind mill ... * checking in the hotel ... Are they any symbolic meaning behind those? You have achieved a lot. I hope you don't burn yourself out. I hope you are off those recreation drugs now, if you can. Because, there are a number of very talented gay people who got their life shortened, because of their own depression and drug problems. I hope you won't be one of them. BTW, I guess you can tell by now that I was not born here in US. And, I am an Asian :-) I came to US 8 yrs ago to fulfill my career dream. In certain aspects of my career, I have achieved much much more than ever I expect. (Still I am lagging behind in some other aspects.) Therefore, I can definitely feel you about your success in your video editing and directing career. Looking forward to seeing your new GAP commercial Aug 29. The sneak preview looks very very cool so far.

93)
Hey Regan, Your DVD really rocks man! Very nice piece of work that definitely deserves to get more "mainstream" attention. I even saw myself in some parts of it. Very impressive how good u can express yourself and I'm sure many guys out there want to be like you. I'm showing your DVD to all my friends here in NYC. Thanks a lot for the copy. PS. damn u r hot dude

94)
Obviously, you are a master editor and it shows. (The Adelphia people were wow-ed by the skill and technique.) Technically, I really appreciate the editing: both transitions between sequences (very smooth, visually stimulating and quite LOGICAL), and between individual shots (my favorite is taking the shirt off in the treadmill dream sequence. Thematically, the progression of you life unfolds in arresting and organized detail. (Just by memory, I contrast the rehab confession of egotism and the end confession of desire to become an icon.) As for story, I found only two ruptures where I wanted more or had questions. 1) Your first (gay) sexual experience and the impact it had on you or your emotional/social/intellectual development. 2) Your transition to bodybuilding and going from sissy to Samson; some growth is seen in rehab shots, but I did not get an impression of the devotion, effort, and time invested in such complete change. (Or, maybe I missed the Instant Buff steroids commercial--which by the way, cool use of music and presentation for 'product'). Personally, your client's closing remarks seems to sum up the journey to that point, what you are, are not, and wannabe. Too bad you were so stoned out of your gourd that we cannot see the impact and poignancy land with you. Yet, then that still gives us even more insight into party monster Regan. I assert again that the film is not you; you are a different person today than even of the last images we see of you and the icon you want to portray. Perhaps a missing, more current, element actually is your unseen businessman side...? Politically, the gay advocate theme carries its weight throughout--if not at times overshadows Regan Ford, the man. Your use of media images was especially creative. (A few of which I recognized, but you'd have to be an archivist to know them all--as I'm sure you do.) I might even say your very adept inclusion of them is just as manipulative as those you accuse. Pumping Velvet presents a powerful portrait--with all it incorporates, from family footage and stills to animation and excerpts--that utilizes all of entertainment's tools in a way documentaries or History Channel could never imagine. By the impression given, at times, one could wonder how to (or if you can) separate fact from fantasy. After our short taped coaching session, viewing the film in retrospect, it does cause me to wonder where Regan the person is, beyond pain, hurt, history, memories, desires, activism, hallucinations, etc.--especially for the diva-of-all-industries guy who hasn't taken all that much time for himself personally. Who is he? REALLY? Balance, what balance...? Wow, I never expected to comment so 'excessively' on your project. Well, that's what I'm thinking. You can pump me for more on Wednesday (if you don't want to punch me in the face first).

95)
I saw your film and just wanted to congratulate you on a docu-drama well done! It was over the top, it was provocative, evocative, emotionally disturbing, insane, and really, really cool. I'll be looking forward to more, though you're right- this workin' fer a livin' stuff gets boring after awhile. I hope you find what you seek (you said in your film that your private life has taken a backseat to your professions, and you'd like to fill in those blank spaces with a special man). From where I sit, you're a talented man with a unique view of life and a lot of courage. I know one day you'll find a special man to share it all with, so I wish you good luck!

96)
Dear Regan, Thanks for the DVD of Pumping Velvet! Well done, such a slick production and very erotic. What I find most so is your transformation into bodybuilder. The posing routine where you placed 4th is very hot. All the clips you pile up of homophobia are quite disturbing and I was feeling pretty smug until I went to the gym and experienced some for myself, having never before at that gym. I suspect the joker in question was in the closet and gagging for a nice hard fuck because he was giving lip to nearly all the men there, (gay & straight) whilst studiously avoiding the women. Congratulations and best of luck for the future. Simon. PS - if you have any used posing trunks throw 'em my way, just kidding! No, I don't think I am!!

97)
Dear Queer Menice!! Local "Filmmaker" here in KCMO, Bible Belt USA! Your Doc at last weekends film fest so Fk'n rocked! Editing is your gig, so I had no doubt it would be there visually, but the content was brilliant. I just recently dove into Filmmaking, a long time passion but being a perfectionist I just couldn't bring myself to start unless it was going to be done right. I submitted my first little production, MATINEE, that was short and sweet... Then created an even shorter piece for a 3 minute competition, called every picture tells a story. The short "Just Married" played last Friday nite. A statement regarding the animosity of straights on gay marriage and how far that hatred may go... It was well received but not picked by the Judges. I already felt rewarded knowing that this short statement was just screened in a packed house and mostly straight. Your Doc was so honest and fabulously gay that I was hooked. Of course, I can relate to many of your situations growing up... I wasn't picked on in school as much (being a big guy) but I stayed very secluded away in my room, where no one could tell me that I was wrong for what I was feeling... the BEAST was feeding! I Fk'n hate how all these Fags are so vocal in the bars but when it comes to doing something they hide in the shadows, oblivious to Life, waiting for that next trick. I know, I've been there. I hate how society defines who we are and what we are. From birth we are conditioned to believe that God is good, Blue is for Boys and Pink is for Girls... Bullshit! If your Straight and Fk'd up your okay...but if your Gay and Fk'd up...your Fucked up! So your sitting at Grandma's for Thanksgiving and everyone is Thankful... Mom for her secret Love affair, Dad for hiding that he rapes his youngest daughter and the good Son that bangs Chicks as a hobby and Gay bashes on his day off... and the only Fruitcake at the Holiday table is shunned for loving his Boyfriend. Reality harsh! Your Film hit pretty much everything on the head... Even Eminem... literally! I've always been somewhat intimidated by society and family. Worrying about what I mite create that mite be offensive... the way I see it, Queer society has been offended long enough and I feel that is where my power lies as a filmmaker. And it ain't gonna be pretty! Okay, "Long story short"... I would like to get a copy of your Doc... It's really been an inspirational piece to me. I was immediately sent over the edge when you praised Madonna, one gay stereotype that I just can't shake!! But I'm partial to Marilyn Manson as well... Madonna the Goddess and Marilyn the Beast, my life is in balance. Thanks for the Kick in the Ass. I hope you're submitting this Internationally!! Do you have cards or something promoting the film, if so, I can distribute them around. And while you're at it...send one to the President!! If your interested, Forward your mailing address, I can send a copy of my work as well... I'm proud of the pieces that I've created but have a long way to go. Still learning to edit... A bit overwhelming eh... thanks for re-igniting my passion. Love and Respect!

PS* Never say "Goodbye 2 Love".... you'll find it, I promise you that!

98)
Regan, You've really accomplished a lot!! You need to SMILE!! This film that you've created and compiled is a voice for a lot of Gay men that are stuck in how they believe they are supposed to Act and Live... it's powerful shit! I pretty much knew what kind of email I would get back from you... I was a little intimidated at first, I mean shit, you've met some great people, (and your a big bad MENICE... grin) but they are just that...people. Creative people. And sometimes we assume that when certain creative people make it to a certain level that they tend not to look back at those still struggling to make a difference. But I knew... (I hope that doesn't sound presumptuous...) from the moment that I saw your teddy bear safely buckled in... I knew. You're a big Fk'n teddy bear w/ a chip of passion on both shoulder's... and I was really drawn to that. A burden I'm not sure as to why we carry it... but I can relate. Just know that I will do whatever I can to help promote your film... These are the things that need to not only be said but also heard! After I wrote to you the first time I went to check out the PV website and read everything... and to find out that you've worked on this for 17 years and giving it out instead of trying to make a buck... I knew that I was doing this for a reason and you've made me feel that it won't be in Vain! I see constant commercials on television about shit people don't even need and they follow like lambs to a fk'n slaughter... and then something comes along that actually has a Message and Worth... Knowledge... and it's FREE!!?? Things have got to Fk'n change and I plan to see it in my Lifetime... Thanks Regan! I hope this is the beginning of a Queer Apocalypse and a New Friendship... I'm off to smoke a bowl... grin. Refuse to simply exist!

99)
Regan, Congratulations on an incredible piece of film...it is truly a work of art!!!! I watched it last night, and sat there in different forms of wonderment. You truly are a filmmaker, and an even more remarkable editor. Calling myself sometimes an editor myself (whether it is creating a main title animation sequence for a particular film...or piecing together many frames of footage from my muscle shows), I know how tedious and involved it can be and you have managed to exhibit an extraordinary knack for putting a piece of artwork together, and doing it with such flair and such skill! I don't agree with everything you have said... however, you made some valid comments on one's journey through this unusual thing called "life". You are indeed an artist, whether it is through your visual effects and imagery portrayed in this film, or your exceptional steps to bodybuilding glory, or your statements that come from your lips...your have taken us along for the ride! Let's talk about this, and also about the muscle show later this month. I would like very much for you to be involved in this event, and it is a time to have a wild, and fun time, also. You are an amazing individual.

Ps. I meant to tell you that your animation was wonderful, especially you at the controls, and J-Lo behind you in the chair...HAHAHAH!!!! And the lighting when you were dancing at the circuit party... you looked incredible in those shots. Lots to talk about... very professional.

100)
I found your web site very informative and inspiring and introspective and so much more. I take exception that you feel famous people have an option on being happy after they spend so much time climbing to the top by pushing minorities into the gutter (MnM for one). I would use the OJ rule here. He has told himself so many times that he was innocent, he didn't kill a kind gay man and murder his life that he now believes the lie, his life goes on and he is happy. MnM tells himself he is just singing lines in a song, living a part written by others in the music business, and he is happy. Self-delusion is the American way. I was wondering about the man in the HUSTLER shirt and wondering how much that shirt reflected you in your own mind at that time. I wonder what that boy, trying to film his straightness 20 some years ago would think of the MAN you have become. And I wonder how much of the past, of not fitting in, being bullied, longing to belong, made the pain of the steroid shots bearable, the pain of lifting and tearing muscles seem less painful, the dullness of drugs and circuit dance anesthesia the more to be accepted. I would like to have a copy of your movie but I would like to pay for it. The add I saw said it was free but few things in life are and the cost to you has been 30+ years of your life.

101)
Hey Regan, I received your DVD, thank you very much! I really enjoyed watching it, we have very different experiences in life and yet there are parallels - I think you did a great job with it, you've certainly had a very interesting life and I'm sure it'll continue that way. It takes a lot of guts to expose yourself the way you have and it is admirable, great that you show your anger - perhaps though there should be a little more positive as you come to terms with things? Just a thought. I truly enjoyed it; you're obviously a great looking guy who also has something to say. Thank you so much for sharing yourself this way and let me wish you all the best for the future!

102)
Regan: Loved your video/film. Level 1: Great message. If you have a hard time in Hollywood, how about OUR hard time in straight Washington power scene. Yes, to discriminate against gays is the only "correct" form of discrimination. Level 2: You. You're exceptionally bright and articulate. And beautiful except when you're too fat. YOU SHOULD HAVE YOUR OWN TALK SHOW. YOU SHOULD PRODUCE YOUR OWN PHYSIQUE SHOWS. Thanks for this experience. It was very stimulating. The treadmill/disco/fuck sequence was of course the piece de resistance. And of course it was beautifully edited. You're a cool guy and it's a pleasure to know you.

103)
Hi Regan, Just wanted to say how much I enjoyed your movie. I found it very thought provoking in many arenas. I also enjoyed the Q&A after. Wanted to let you know, you were not the only boy in box. I had the very same experience in Abilene, TX at Johnston Elementary. I hadn't even thought about it in at least 25 years. But as soon as I saw that clip in your movie I was profoundly touched. Those memories of exclusion mixed with the safety of being protected all came back in an instant. I'm sure my therapist will have quite the water cooler chat with her peers after my next session. LOL. Anyway, thanks again, to see your film was time well spent for me. I'd love to have copy. Continued success!

104)
Regan, I just got home from seeing your film at the Agliff festival in Austin. I hope that you enjoyed our town and had a good time. Please send me a copy on DVD. I have been going to Agliff things for over 15 years and I think that this was one of the finest pieces of " Art " that I have seen. It took a lot of work, dedication and love. I hope that you will get your dream of a lover/partner/mate. I am sure you will. It was great meeting you and thanks for all the neat stories in the Q & A.

105)
Loved meeting you Regan, wish we had, had more time alone to talk, hope you have a great trip back. I look forward to seeing you again soon so we can see if there is something there between us, I really like what I felt when I talked to you, we are a lot alike in many respects, I think we have experienced a lot of the same things as well.

106)
Howdy Regan. I saw your film here in Austin at aGLIFF and was really impressed. Do you think I could get one of the DVDs you mentioned at the showing? Was hoping to share your story with some friends (and I did give the film a "fabulous" rating, so that's got to be worth something!). If you think that'd be okay, my address is at the bottom of this email. Looking forward to hearing from you and hope the reaction to your film was everything you hoped for and more!

107)
Hello Mr. Ford, I wanted to congratulate you on the first screening of your film and I thank you for sharing your experiences and opinions. I'm sorry I was unable to do so in person, I was already late for an engagement and had to leave. I would like to request a copy of your film and would be happy to at least try to help you get your money back. Question: I was scared to ask this at the Q/A but did you really get penetrated on film, being that you have filmed yourself having sex before, was it just a bump and grind kind of thing or a bit more, it's still very erotic either way (yeah I know I'm twisted). Anyway, good luck with your next project.

108)
I attended the Austin Gay & Lesbian Film Festival and was totally blown away by your film. I would like a copy to share with several friends of mine. It is excellent. Thank you. Just an FYI, on the way home from the movie, I called up a friend of mine who is 16 and told him to check out your website. He commented that you were cute but then made the comment "this guy is gay, he certainly doesn't look gay to me". I told him why would anyone have to "look" gay to be gay. It was an interesting observation he made, I think you influenced him already and I know he will love your film.

109)
Regan: My partner and I were at the Austin Gay & Lesbian Film Festival last night when your film was shown. It was one of the most moving and visually beautiful films I've ever seen. Your message is as powerful as the way courage you've shown in telling your story. I would love to get a copy of the DVD. I have so many friends who could benefit from seeing it. Just let me know how. Thanks again for sharing this film with us. Best wishes!

110)
Regan, I saw your movie last night at the Austin Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. It left me speechless. You packed so much into the movie that it was hard to even begin to talk about it. What a great piece of filmmaking! Since you won't be able to release commercially, I feel very lucky that I was able to catch it last night at the festival. I would very much like to see your movie again so that I can sort out the images and themes at a slower pace. Thanks again for sharing your life with us.

111)
Regan - I saw your film last night in Austin. Thank you for an extraordinary experience. Thank you also for your perseverance and talent and care. I did want to express my sorrow last night to know that you had lost a sister at such a young and vibrant age to such a horrid disease. My heart and prayers are with you and your family. I would be honored if you would send me a copy of your film, Pumping Velvet. Thank you for your grand and impressive effort to document your life to this point. My comment sheet at the showing said some of this. I do worry about your drug use. I want you to have a long, productive, happy, fulfilled and phenomenal life. You ARE a gift. I am so glad your family realized that and supported you in all your efforts. I wish I could know you, but realize that you would have no room in your life for my friendship. If you ever need anything that I could help with, Please accept this offer of help. Please, take care of yourself. I don't mean "let down", just use your wonderful mind to see all the ramifications that you can before you make decisions. A quick scan of reality will always help keep your feet on the ground and heart in the world. I look forward to showing the movie to two friends who could not get out of their beds to see it last night. They will appreciate it very much.

112)
Saw your movie last night (Sept 5th) in Austin, TX, at the bailiff screening. It was great...I really enjoyed your response to all of the questions and I can relate to a lot of what you were saying. For me Pumping Velvet is high on the list of films I enjoyed at this years festival. Thanks for sharing with us. I would love a copy of the movie, not only for me to view again but to show to some friends that weren't able to attend last nights screening. Again, thanks for sharing your movie. Cheers!

113)
I saw your video in Austin Texas. I admire the guts you must have to create and share your movie with us. I know it must have been therapeutic to create it. Most of us will never have the fortitude to express our life like you have done. I have always maintained a high level of self-respect, not that it was given to me, but I wouldn't let anyone tell me I wasn't good enough. Alas, I am one of millions afraid to live their life to the fullest. I would like to caution you on your drug abuse and steroid, etc. use so that you don't jeopardize your health, not to nag, but to let you know that our community cannot afford to loose you. It is difficult to understand why, even though I know it is true, that there is still such homophobia in cities such as LA and New York. We may not be able to change the world, but at least we won't let it change us. I would love a copy of your video, and one for a friend if possible. If you can send one, here is my mailing information. Good luck with your film, stay the course, and never let them see you sweat. Except at the gym, of course.

114)
Dear Regan, Please send copy of your DVD. I was the guy with the shaved head who had his picture taken with you in the lobby. Thank you for sharing your movie last night at the Austin Int'l G&L Film Fest. I was deeply moved by your story. Wishing you all the success in the world.

115)
Hey Regan- I saw your film last night and loved it. I think it is truly amazing that you are giving this away to the world, something so full of self, yet completely SELFLESS. It is really a magnificent work of art. Is there any way on earth you could ever get the rights to all that stuff? No way, right? Not to make money, but just to get it out there to more people! It should be seen... honesty always shines. It is nuts that Austin is the only film fest that took it!!! I wanted to ask you last night, but they ended too soon, did you say Madonna saw your whole movie or just her montage section. I was wondering what her reaction was to the whole thing if she had seen it in its entirety. Ironically, my brother lives with her brother. I also wanted to ask you if you still edit videos or if you retired from that? Anyway, thank you so much for your brutally honest masterpiece! Oh, and the point of this email...I'd love a copy!

116)
Dear Regan, I would like to request a copy of your DVD. Looks like you have a promising career.

117)
Regan, I saw your film in Austin this past Saturday night. It was a treat to see you live & hear you speak. You have much to be proud of. Congratulations on your talent & all you've created with it. Yes, I'd love to have a copy of your DVD.

PS. Have you considered writing a book on your insights into the world of the Entertainment Industry? I'm sure you have most interesting stories to share. Too, I'm sure you have likewise interesting insights & stories to share on the gay world--the various levels, age groups, social & sexual hierarchies.

118)
Hi Regan, I want to thank you for sharing your film with us at the Austin GLIFF. I thoroughly enjoyed your film and you like to ask you for a copy. I would be more than happy to assist you with the shipping costs or to make a "donation" to help you with the costs of production. Thank you!

119)
Hi Regan, I went to see the World premiere of your and we loved it. I could identify with many parts of your movie. I never thought I would wish to be black. You have changed my perspective. Thanks you very much for your insight and courage. Take care and have a great day! Go to your destiny!

120)
Hey Regan, Thanks heaps for sending the DVD. I was absolutely blown away last night when I watched it. I have to admit every single issue you dealt with I identify with 100%. It was amazingly and beautifully put together... the animations were incredible too. The video work was sensational. The grabs on all the music video clips and films really inspired me too. Man, you are truly inspirational. I really just wanted to communicate my thanks for your amazing DVD - and to let you know that it was just what I needed to see at this stage in my life to restore my faith in my goals and dreams and have faith in that what I strive for IS possible.

121)
Hi Regan... Thanks for your film at AGLIFF. I think we were all privileged to be the 1st audience to see it. You had a lot of great moments in the film and it brought me to tears a few times. I was a little naïve before I saw the film since I hadn't read the description in the AGLIFF schedule. During the early part of the film I was thinking, "this guy ought to be doing music videos"!!! Loved many of the theatrical moments. Anyway. Congratulations! I wish it could be seen by more audiences.

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Hello- I really enjoyed your film, "Pumping Velvet" that Sunday and would enjoy having a copy of your film sent to me. I was the silly guy who asked for your signature on my shirt that night. I hope you have a safe trip home and a great weekend. Sincerely charmed!

123)
Dear Mr. Ford: I was very fortunate to be one of the audience members at the Austin Gay and Lesbian International Film Festival screening of "Pumping Velvet". I would like to order a copy for myself and send a copy to a friend in Florida. Maybe I should have him order his own? Let me know what you would prefer. Thank you for the blisteringly honest telling of your life. You're a brave and brilliant man, and I wish you nothing but the best in whatever you decide to do from this point forward. Good luck on finding that boyfriend. Respectfully yours.

124)
Greetings! I am so sorry I missed the screening of "Pumping Velvet" at the Austin Gay& Lesbian Film Festival last week. But friends of mine spoke very highly of your film. I would like to request a copy be mailed to me!

125)
Dear Regan... We have just broken down the last of the 17th Austin Gay and Lesbian International Film Festival and things are all back in their place for next year. I hope that next year you will enter another film, but for the meantime...could you send me a DVD of the film. I had to monitor the other screening room and couldn't see your film. Please, thank you. Besos!

126)
Regan: I hope this email finds you safely home. Did you enjoy your Labor Day weekend in Austin? I was at the screening of your film "Pumping Velvet" on Sunday night. I must tell you that it was unlike anything else that I've seen in the many years that I have attended aGLIFF. At times, it was very difficult to watch. It was by turns, fascinating, horrifying, entertaining, shocking, humorous, disgusting and delicious. What I first perceived to be a piece of self-promoting, narcissistic, vainglorious filmmaking was later revealed to be a true work of art. It was indeed a self-portrait created by the hand of a talented artist. The Q and A session following the film helped cement my opinion. It's unfortunate that many who view your work will not have that same opportunity. When I watch a film, any film, I might come away from it simply entertained - or it might make me feel good, or upset, or justified, or proud, or angry, or inspired - but I know that I have seen something special when I feel all of that, and more. I may not agree with you on certain issues; I may not condone your choices of lifestyle - my own life may not resemble yours in any way, but I admire your passion and I salute your effort and I applaud your film. And so, for that reason, I am requesting that you send me a copy of your film on DVD. I was also asked by a friend of mine (a 70-year old gay man!) who does not even own a computer, to request a copy for him, as well. Both copies would be much appreciated. My address is below. I'm glad I got to see your work at AGLIFF and I thank you for making the trip to Austin. It made for a very unique festival experience. All the best.

127)
Yeah, the movie was cool and I appreciate you sharing your story with us in Austin. I grew up in the projects of East L.A. and had to learn how to handle myself in an environment that was riddled with drugs & gangs. Gay or str8, you had to know how to take care of yourself and handle business. I have always felt restricted for not being gay enough or even str8 enough. I never could fit neatly into a preconceived image of what my immediate surroundings dictated or what society said I should be. Thanks for touching on that in your film and best of luck with your future endeavors.

128)
Hey Regan, I saw your film at the Austin Gay & Lesbian Film Festival (aGLIFF) this past weekend and LOVED IT! It was an incredible depiction of your life and the experiences that many of us go through...of course, you also have a lot of unique things that have happened to you! It was such a frank film, it made me tear up in some places. It was also so well made, you are a great craftsman and a professional through and through. I would like to request a copy of "Pumping Velvet" if possible. Take care, good luck with your career and your personal life. I hope you know that you've touched many people and you should feel good about that. I hope that a lot more people get to see your film!

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Regan: I saw the "Pumping Velvet" film at the Austin Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. I thought it was fantastic. I enjoyed meeting you at the end of the show. The whole thing was very special. I hope it did what you wanted it to do. Please let me know how I can get the DVD. I have a friend who is very creative, loves black men and is a body builder. He is going to go nuts when he sees it! Please let me know what charges there are and how I can get them to you. THANKS!

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Regan, I was hoping to get a copy of your self-portrait. I truly enjoyed your film at AGLIFF this year. I found your work to be inspirational. It made me stop and think about all the things I want or have wanted to do that I have or may someday come to regret not doing. Life favors the brave and scorns the timid. I never realized how timid I've lived my life. It's 'bout time I get a little more fierce... or a lot more. From one artist to another, thanks for attending and bringing us this courageous work of art. It was amazing, brave, honest and inspiring. You're an understated genius and I look forward to any and all of your future film endeavors... Thanks again.

131)
Regan, I received the DVD of Pumping Velvet on Tuesday and watched the film last night in its entirety. I had only planned on watching the first hour or so but I found it quite engrossing so watched it all the way through. When I finished, I felt I would need to see it through a couple of more times to properly comment on it. Congratulations on creating the film. I would describe it as a visual and aural autobiography. Your use of the visual metaphor was well done through the film. THANK YOU.

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Regan, Thank you for the DVD. I was blown away! Do you still perform? I would love to see you perform in person. Your interview was fascinating and I just love your personality. Thanks again,

133)
Hi Doll! Just a note to say: How fucking cool is that?! It was so incredible and fun to meet you the other evening. Awesome Autobiography cathartic and uplifting... and you are a beautiful wild-man, a genius, a hoot and a joy!

134)
Hi Regan, Thanks for sending PUMPING VELVET. What a cool doco. It is incredibly self-indulgent, incredibly well edited and directed, and incredibly exciting. I loved it.

135)
Regan, I was fortunate to attend the screening of your remarkable documentary in Austin last week, and would welcome the opportunity to get a copy to show to friends here in town and in New York. (I was the guy who was in the Broadway musical years ago with Madonna.)

136)
Hey Regan, Thanks a lot for the DVD. I really enjoyed it a lot! Before I learned you were an editor, I said: "damn. He's a hell of an editor!" You are also quite the chameleon - your looks change so dramatically. My favorite shots of you were on the treadmill with the cornrows, headband and headphones. Hot, hot, hot! We have an annual Gay & Lesbian Film Festival in Denver. I think this piece would be great to include. If you don't mind, I'll contact the guys to put it on.

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When I seen the documentary about D, I was amazed due to the fact that every emotion including the cartoon issues during the flick gave you an at heart feel his pain feeling. To just see a real life ugly duckling story is always a tear to the eye feeling! Just to see people who care nothing about their fellow man and harmfully put him down, to now some of the people back then wish they could shake his hand now! For him to offer his time and show America how he felt and now how they can kiss his a**, is a payback for the world to see either straight, gay, or bi.

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Hey there, you sweet hunk of man!! Just a note to let you know that the DISC arrived today!!! I relish seeing it again. Thank you so much for sending it. I hope you got a phenomenal response to the showing and will garner MUCH deserved praise and acclaim from it as it gains circulation. I hope also that you are staying healthy. (Oops; that is my drug paranoia creeping in, I fear. I just don't want ANYTHING bad to ever happen to you. Your potential for good is astoundingly immense. That is what I want for YOU - only Good! I think that it also fuels my belief that we can do what we set our minds to do. It just takes us SETTING our minds to it. You gained quite a bit of importance to my life in just a very short time. Have fun, be safe and have an orgasm on me (ooo, did I just say that? Ooops...). Do take care of yourself. Lots of people look up to you now. Not necessarily a fun place to be, but important and potentially very productive.

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Hey, The first Doc was scrambled but the second I read... Funny, In the back of my mind I got what you were doing... when I included your email address I actually thought that very thing... everyone wants the easy way and would contact you w/out reading the total disclaimer and know what they are about to receive... exactly why I wanted you to proof it... it is your life... I just want it to be heard!! I've been contemplating the same thing... as a filmmaker. Can I share some things w/ you... I hate the fact that my Mother blamed herself for my Queer life... why do they blame themselves... don't take my spotlight! Don't play the martyr!! That was in 10th grade when I "came out" but known since 5th grade. I never slept w/ women... just not going to happen! But I loved that you "flirted w/ disaster" and video taped the act... classic! Then Mom tells me I love you cause your my son BUT would you go to a psychiatrist!!!! UGH! I said okay, if it helps you understand me... Well, She found out that I was not only NORMALLY GAY but didn't believe in god... uh oh!! So now years later I am dealing w/ another secret that I have never told her... I have been HIV+ for almost 15 years!! It happened... I'm not ashamed... but don't want her to be hurt... again! So of course, as a filmmaker, I want to share this w/ her and tape it... but it's so hard to do this. Let alone tape it. Anyway, that's a moment in my life story... I would not change my life for anything... I love Men, I love Passion, I love being emotional and I love being GAY!! Your film, gave me permission in a way... to want to get out what I've been feeling inside for sooo long. Anger, frustration, and just fucking sick of it!! Don't portray me as pathetic!! Your message is no bullshit and that's what I'm all about... I hide away from society not because I am ashamed but fear for society when I finally take the balls I was born w/ and vent and express everything that is bottled up. Filmmaking is a powerful tool/ weapon and I intend to use it well. But I just haven't quit figured out how I'm going to do it... When you shot Aunty EM in the head, I felt the message was more powerful than if it had actually happened. I can express my anger w/out actually hurting anyone... I'm not violent... but to the boys that can go out and beat a Gay boy to death is disturbing to me... but I feel it's forgivable by society because it was a FAG... I will never understand one human being physically hurting another. I have always been influenced by Madonna and Marilyn Manson to express what I feel w/out regret or intimidation. But sometimes you don't feel anyone will give a shit about your message unless your a Celebrity... your nobody, who cares what you have to say. But I'm also finding that people want to identify w/...people. Promise I won't break into a Babs number here...but... Okay, off my soap box... I think I just wanted to express some thoughts to help you understand why I was moved and want others to take a chance... possibly "start a movement"... if not of action, at least in thought... it's the beginning of the action.

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Regan, I got your information from a friend of mine in Kansas City. He told me about your website and your film and he showed me a little of the one that he has. The little bit that I saw was filled with some amazing imagery and has sparked my interest in obtaining a copy of the film for myself. I can't wait to watch the entire DVD and I look forward to receiving a copy. Thanks Regan and thanks for the opportunity to view your film!! Take care!

141)
Regan, Thanks so much for your DVD! I LOVED it and totally "got it!" (I kept thinking, "That's me! That's me!") I've shown it to my buddies and they all loved it too. They were incredulous about your transformation into contest shape in that very hot shower scene - and I had the pleasure of explaining a bit about bodybuilding culture to them. (LOVE the butt BTW - love to git me some O dat! Dayum!) You did it man...you really did it! You kicked ass on stage. The chemical supplement and juice sequence was fantastic - and I thought of Matthew Barney, that artist who did the Cremaster Cycle at the Guggenheim recently. Your production values were just as good and WAY more accessible to me! You are amazing, complicated, and above all - HOT! Loved the black muscle-dude porn images. Damn it, too bad I don't fit your criteria - not black...boo hoo! I actually think you may have created a new art form. You are an editing genius! Big hugs!

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Regan, I have to say that I admire your work. I saw on your website that you say you are someone who is filled with rage and anger. That you are misunderstood, miscalculated and underestimated by ignorant and self-righteous people. I can relate to you in many ways. You see, I am in the adult film industry. My stage name is Matthew Rush. I have a very successful career but it doesn't come without a price. Being Biracial and in the porn industry was and still is quite the hurdle. I have been judged since birth and continue to be judged because of my career and sexual orientation. Enough about that. I just wanted to say that I am a fan and I would love to chat sometime. You know, pick your brain so to speak, if you are up for it.

Greg Grove aka Matthew Rush

PS. I have two distinguishable tribal tattoos, one on each shoulder. For the longest time, I thought that nobody understood my views on racism and growing up gay in a "straight man's" world. Seems as though you have some of the same views. I would love to chat and maybe someday, shake your hand. I would love a DVD movie. In return, if you want any movies, let me know. I don't know if you watch porn but I can get you pretty much anything you like from Falcon. Thanks again and I hope to hear from you.

Greg Grove

143)
Hey Regan, Saw your site on BigMuscle and was intrigued. Woah - here is an individual, and he is beautiful and with imagination - real imagination! Many of us feel as you do, and find our own ways to create another reality. Thanks for honesty about drugs, steroids, et.al. Can't wait to see your video. Sounds incredible.

144)
Hey, Regan - I've been meaning to write for a week, ever since viewing the DVD, but I just had to write tonight after seeing a certain moment at the Emmys... when Shandling did a gay joke, and they cut to quick reaction shots from Ellen DeGeneres... and Sean Hayes! How perfect! If you saw it, I'm sure you had the same kind of smile (or was it smirk?) on your face that I did. I received "Pumping Velvet" a few weeks ago, the morning I was leaving New York, where I live, for ten days in L.A. I didn't watch it until I returned home, and I'm sorry about that, because I would have loved to tell you in person how utterly impressed and profoundly moved I was by it. I'm a longtime broadcast journalist... a TV producer and writer, and a radio newscaster and reporter... so just on a technical level alone, your editing is just astounding. I wonder how long it took you to do some of those sequences (not to mention the entire film). In terms of the content... we've had very different lives, so I can't relate to the kind of experiences you've had... but I was so deeply saddened to hear about your childhood, followed by the unbelievable trauma of your sister's death. I do a lot of print writing, in addition to my broadcast work, and I know what it's like to get somewhat personal in my articles. I have enormous respect, however, for the level you've reached, in terms of turning your life into art, but keeping a documentary feel about it at the same time. Haven't written a fan letter like this in a long time, Regan (if ever)... but maybe that's because "Pumping Velvet" affected me in quite a unique way. Congratulations, and I wish you the best of luck at the upcoming screening. Best wishes!

145)
I just got through watching. I had an acting teacher who encouraged us to dramatize stories from our lives and present them as one man shows and he would quote Francois Truffaut about creating art, "the more personally you are, the more universal your story." That's really what you've done. In a way I feel, I know you just from watching it. The tape from the support group, taping having sex for the first time...incredible. But the one moment I saw a part of you that was most vulnerable was toward the end when you are in the editing room with the director (I'm assuming he's a director) and he is talking about you being more that gay and a bodybuilder, etc. You have a very humble, almost embarrassed response. Such a different side than was seen in other parts of the film, and very real. Also, the way you look at the camera while having sex on your bed will stay with me a long time. Thank you so much for letting me see YOU. Steve, your neighbor in Venice

146)
Dear Regan: Thanks for your exceptional DVD! I have watched it over and over and have to say that you have done something truly groundbreaking for us gays everywhere! The footage of you as a child reminded me of myself in high school- teased and harassed for who I am. It's so comforting and reassuring for me to see someone who I can relate to to become so successful in his life and career. I have just started working out for 17 months and would like to know how you started in the beginning; your physique is really something outstanding! I do have a couple of questions and suggestions, if I may: 1. Wouldn't you get into trouble by showing that you are using steroids and drugs in the film? 2. Maybe it would be a stronger ending, if you had stated what your messages are and their significance to the gay society? 3. Is it possible for you to perhaps share your diet and training plan with me? I would like to know what you have done to achieve what you have done with your body! It's really great to have your work and to know part of the gay culture, and to know how Regan Ford is as an inspiring filmmaker, dancer, bodybuilder and icon for the gay culture. Hope by now you had already found someone you love and loves you, and as exceptional as you are to love. Congrats on your film premiere and good luck with your training and flourishing career. I would love to meet more interesting people like you around the world. Love that you have included the Glass violin concerto in your film :).

147)
Good Morning Regan, I recently saw your film at the Austin Gay and Lesbian Film Festival and wanted to thank you for sharing such an intimate portrait of yourself. You also restored my faith in Gay Film Festivals. I hadn't bothered to attend for the past few years since I felt the quality of what I was seeing was so poor that it just depressed me. Then I went to see Pumping Velvet and I remembered that the reward for wading through all those others was sometimes a film as moving as yours. It made the rest of those wasted hours worthwhile. I appreciate the unapologetic honesty with which you expose your inner self. As a gay man who was tormented, though not as brutally, during my adolescence, I connected with your anguish and the power of being successful as means of recovery. Congratulations on all your success, I hope you can continue your process of self-discovery and continue to share it with us in film. On that note, I've been telling so many of my friends about your film with the universal response is "Where is it playing?" You'd mentioned that you would send a copy to us so I'm writing to ask for one please and to ask if you mind my showing it to others who weren't able to be at the screening. I hope this finds you well and I'd like to thank you again for sharing your film with us.

148)
Regan, I got the DVD and it is FANTASTIC. I can really identify with you and all the issues you raise. That's me too!! (Well granted, on a smaller scale.) Man you are also one incredible hottie! Love the transformation from victim to victor! But even more I love how you actually become the subject of your own incredible talent. It's drag baby - and hot muscle drag at that. Love your attitude, love the digs at all those bitchy divas you had to please and love the gay-political in-your-face statements. I hope I get to meet you some day.

149)
Wow just watched it... superb tight editing (I can't imagine putting together that Madonna sequence), and very stylish (you have a good eye and ear). Animated scenes were a good touch and cute. Lots of stuff to digest in this one... The one part that made me LAUGH out LOUD was your Sean Hayes diatribe, lol, I think I had an almost similar one, lol. I think it's interesting how you look at gays from a straight perspective with all the pop culture references and how Hollywood views us. Your main focus was how hard it is being gay in a str8 world but I think its hard being gay just in the gay community sometimes. You briefly touch on that respect when you mention all the different type of gays.... do you ever thing we are our own worst enemy?

Anyway I was really impressed with what you have done with this self-portrait and with yourself... and I have to say that is one of the most SASSIEST posing routines I have ever seen...loved it. Oh and to sum up this movie in a few words...."its a love story" ;-)

150)
Hey Regan, Congrats on getting "Velvet" to a premiere! It DESERVES it big time. And I am also really pleased to see that a thread on this board acknowledges you and your fine work. And even though I wasn't personally a fan of the cornrows I think they looked fine on you. But your ass is much finer! ;-)

151)
I finally got my DVD. ENJOYED IT!!! Yes the Baby faced muscle man with a bit of diva was hot. I have several friends here that want to see it after hearing me go on about it. I emailed my friends in LA about the premiere.

152)
I sent an e-mail for the DVD the other day. I can't wait to get it. From what I have read here, I can really relate to this guy.

153)
Regan, Hi! I would like to request a copy of your movie "Pumping Velvet". I saw your movie at the recent AGLIFF (Austin G&L International Film Festival). I loved your movie, and TOTALLY got it! And this is sort of ironic - given that my best friend and film-fest buddy is none other than Lodger@filethirteen.com - i.e. the film critic who wrote an extremely unflattering review of your film. You might wonder how he could be my best friend; sometimes I wonder that myself - we're so different. I guess if you stick with someone for several years, and are still close friends after working through your myriad differences, that must count for something. We had the most extremely differing reactions to your film. Lodg walked out after about 2/3 of the film had screened - and I gave it a standing ovation at the end. We discussed the film for about an hour afterwards out in the parking lot. For every negative interpretation he came up with, I gave him another way to look at it. He acknowledged several of my arguments, but refused to change his opinion of you or your film. However, he did say several times to me "If a movie generates this much discussion, it can't be totally without merit." I thought that meant there was a chance he would go a bit easier on you in his review - but, alas, no such luck. Oh, well - I can only hope that his review will prompt many people to see it. He has a surprisingly faithful (and growing) fan base who read his reviews religiously. I know that at least some of them particularly try to see the films he hates, just to see if they agree or not. Y'all actually have a number of things in common - one of the most striking is the religious collection of a wide array of filmed (and other) media images since your teenage years. (Of course, I'm not saying that y'all would like each other!) ;) Anyway - best of luck with your future artistic endeavors! :) (I would almost request a 2nd copy of the film for Lodger - but I think he might snap it in half just to spite me - or you.)

154)
Hey, Regan- Just a quick note to review your response to the review! Congrats on an eloquent answer to a vicious, hateful diatribe. You continue to impress me in an increasing number of ways... Best, Steve from Long Island

155)
Regan - I don't know who the idiot is in Dallas who decided he needed to vent a lot of frustration. For myself, I loved the movie I've watched it twice! Thanks for taking the time to share your life with all of us out here. Dallas, TX

156)
Oh Regan, I'm so sorry. This is such a nasty review. He is so personal in his attacks and his opinions on some things are just wrong - like what the fuck is he talking about when he tries to blame you for the bullying when you were a kid. He says "we have to try to get along with people and sometimes it's better to try and compromise in a bad situation." What the fuck is that! You were a kid, and so were they - kids don't compromise, they just attack - had you tried to befriend them they would have tortured you even more - that's what they do. Sometimes when you are a kid the only way you can make the bullying stop is by being a bigger bully back to them. And the fact that your teacher put you in the box instead of the bulliers is just so wrong, and anyone who tries to justify that is just a fucked up asshole. Also, he clearly doesn't understand about your relationship with Roz - I'm sure Roz expected you to use the cancer footage of her. He just doesn't get you at all. You even say it at the beginning that the piece isn't for everyone and that those who get it will get it. I think the people you meant it for are the people who love and understand you, and we do get it because we get you. You are just so unique that you freak people out because they listen to your words in the context of ordinary people and they don't understand that when you talk about huge black cocks that you are talking about a lot of different things at once - you're speaking metaphorically, and ironically, and you are referencing both deconstructionist theory and commentary about the repetition of images plus the sexual issue, etc - you are talking about things on so many different levels that those tiny pea-brained people can't understand you and can only see the obvious connotations. (Although, I object to your use of the term "Nigger" - but I think we have always disagreed on this issue.) What I don't understand is why he had to get so nasty - if he didn't like it why didn't he just walk out. What a fucking Texas asshole. You should watch this new documentary on Maya Deren - she went through a lot of the same things that you are going through - people not understanding her art, not even recognizing film as an art, etc. You should also go and rent some of John Waters' early films - the films that people just hated, that the Supreme Court decided were not art despite the fact that the curators of the Gugenheim, the Museum of Modern Art, and a truckload of film/art theorists said that they were art. The general public, especially in the US wants its art to look like television but with smoking and turtlenecks. People are hugely stupid. Chin up little camper - I don't want to find you grumbling to yourself on Sunset Blvd as you frantically pull out foilage: "self-hating fag," "neurotic mess," I'll try to stop you and you'll look at me, eyes glossed over and say: "Sarah, Bring me the Axe!!!!" I'm damn mad.

157)
I read that silly letter that guy wrote. He sent you that long of a letter, he sounds incredibly jealous. PLEASE don't respond to him. You are way to special to be talking to a guy like that. By the way, something that pissed me off that almost made me tear up was the part about Roz. She is beyond honored to be apart of your movie, no question. What more flattering and loving then to showcase someone you love and cherish in a movie that will be around forever.

158)
Well, everybody is entitled to his or her opinion, and we also have the right to decide whether if we wanted to listen to it or not. I feel that the above critic was written by an individual who is clearly jealous of someone's good work and who's self-hating enough to make himself look bad by degrading other's work with unfair, malicious comments. I have personally watched Regan's work and have to say it's downright brilliant! As for this person's comment of Regan being self-loving and all, the film is as stated by Regan himself, a self-portrait, therefore it is all about Regan Ford the film maker, circuit boy, bodybuilder, and most important Regan Ford the person! And let me say, what an interesting person he is! Keep it coming Regan!

159)
Regan, you are made even more f-in hot by your comments.

160)
It's amazing some guy would spend that much energy negatively trashing someone else's work. Regan, darlin', you must have really pushed some buttons for him. I'm betting there are images that will linger in his head for some time - hopefully push him toward a better understanding of himself. Pumping Velvet is a very powerful film. I can readily recall lots of sequences, and I've only watched it once. I will come back to it and view it several times, I know. It is terrific, and I really appreciate Regan's generosity, courage and ability to share with us such a deeply personal portrait. You GO girl! When someone gets as angry as this critic, it is usually because they are seeing aspects of their own character that they can't face. You are honest about yourself, including your faults; he can't be, so he must see that as "self-loathing." You are anything but a racist; he IS racist, so he must project that onto you. You are capable of celebrating your own body; he can't, so he must see that as egomaniacal. And so forth. It takes intelligence, humor and tolerance to be as ruthlessly self-revealing as you are, Regan. He clearly lacks those qualities, and is massively threatened by one who manifests them so clearly. But you knew this was coming, as your disclaimer shows. Best wishes for your screening; or should I say: "Kisses on your opening?" LOL. Anyway, as director, I'd still like to meet you. I'm quite sure that you have humor, sensibility and of course, you're damn well built and "tres tres photogénique.

161)
Hi Regan, I saw your impressive autobiographical movie at the Austin film festival. I'm actually surprised at how often it's come up in conversation. I'd like to have it in my library to show people who didn't get to see it. (I also think it will be fun to have this movie and it's "sequel" 10 years from now!!) I understand that you're not selling it, but I'd be glad to pay shipping. Thanks!

162)
Regan, thanks for the DVD. I received it weeks ago and watched it. I felt like writing you then but reading so much of the Muscle Service thread made me actually do it. I appreciate your struggle and the many complex issues you share from your own life story. You are an incredible person. I must admit that I find you incredibly sexy and your magnetic personality comes through on screen. You seem to be strong-willed which I totally dig in a guy. But those shower scenes, those sent me over the edge. I have to comment that I sensed a lot of the anger in your talking. I don't know how scripted those sections were. But I can't say that I agree with much of it. For instance, I don't like the double standards of Hollywood (e.g. straight men playing gay characters) either. But they don't make me angry. And I don't think that makes me a self-hating homo not to stand up about that. Basically, we all draw our lines in the sand. That's not one of them for me. I respect that it may be for you. I want to congratulate you on finishing a project of such proportion. I also want to thank you for putting yourself on the line, so blatantly honestly. I know that it was (will be?) a sacrifice for you. You're incredible (and I'd eat you any day!)

163)
Regan, I just viewed your Pumping Velvet DVD last night and I think it was great. I was told that it was really something but it was much more than I expected. Actually, you were much more than I expected. I have to say that the school isolation portion of the film really got to me because that happened to me too. Fortunately for me, I had a very supportive mother that really made sure that people treated me fairly (she actually beat up one of my grade school teachers). Overall, your story says a lot about you and it sure looks like you have really busted your ass to develop your person both physically and creatively and I was impressed with both. When I read your list of creative achievements my jaw dropped to the ground- all I can say about that is "Wow" - great job! I really hope to see more of your work and I will surely let others know about your website and DVD. In closing I just want to say "thank you" for sharing yourself on your film and for taking the time to send me your DVD.

164)
Regan - Let me first say that you ROCK!! Your web site is both original and interesting and you are a beautiful man. The creative mix of your life story and brutal honesty had me glued to my monitor. Me: 36 mixed race gay black male. Can't wait to see more of you. Thanks

165)
Regan, I just visited your web site. It blew me away. If I had had the balls at your age as you do, I would have been a force to contend with. Many of the thoughts you outline are ones I have had and never uttered. Now as my life winds down I would be honored to see your work.

166)
Regan, Thank you for making Pumping Velvet. You met me at the Silverlake Film Festival at the Arclight - you kept referring to my 2 friends and I as "the only 3 who showed up outside of your posse," (I sincerely hope that wasn't the case!). I'm the one who said to you: "As one Gold's gym going, gay, director/editor to another, I think the film is fuckin' brilliant!!" I mean, I feel ridiculous for gushing, but it truly is a powerful life changing experience. You said that it was the last time you were showing the film. WHY! I'll be in competition at Cannes this year with a 40 min. documentary, or so Warner Bros. international says, but you know how that bullshit goes sometimes. Have you pursued showing Pumping Velvet there?? It has really got to be seen - have you exhausted all the press/publicity/buzz routes? I'm so sorry for feeling so passionate about it and babbling like an idiot but I was really moved by the film, and it stayed with me in that rare and wonderful way that happens when you've been enlightened to new thinking and reasoning, leaving you truly enriched and empowered. If there's anyway I can check out the Aviddiva facility and grab a coffee with you, and maybe convince you to get this thing shown more, that would really be cool. Or, if you feel like heading to Hollywood, I, like you, run the business out of my house; it's in the Hollywood Hills up by the sign, and we can grab a cup of coffee around here. Please give me a shout if you can... Thank you again!

167)
What's up dude... you're awesome... would love a video of you... very beautiful... Regan

168)
Regan, I received your DVD and just viewed it. You shot an arrow and it went real high... good for you. Thank you. Your inclusion of your sister's struggle brought me to my knees. I am so sorry life is unfair. I'd like to know more about your film work. "I had a dream and in it you found a way to survive and you were filled with joy".

169)
Hey whets up, its the screenwriter in Austin and his gay friend that just watched your piece. Thank you very much for that. It was inspiring whether you are gay, straight, black, white, Jew, gentile, whatever. Thank you.

170)
Hey Regan, I just wanted to sincerely thank you for recently sending me a copy of your incredible DVD Full Length feature "Pumping Velvet, the Self Portrait of Regan Ford." It was amazing and beautifully done- something you should be very proud of. I showed it to a few friends and they all loved it as well. Good luck to you and all your future endeavors. Thanks!

171)
Regan, My longtime friend directed me to your website. Damn, a really selfless person does exist. Love the way you speak your mind. I'd like a copy of your story. In God's Great Love.

172)
Regan, ***thank you*** I just received your DVD 'Pumping Velvet' today in the post; took the day of work and sat home and watched it. I'm sitting here now a few hours after finishing it, still with mixed emotions from seeing it. I hesitated from responding immediately; in order to let things sink in and to allow myself to see it as a whole. I also wanted to see which images or messages stayed with me the longest after the viewing. I imagine it works on many levels and I certainly feel that having taken the time to watch it, it is something I will learn from. I greatly suspect that it has many people point out similar parallels with their own lives. I enjoyed the visual representation of earlier times, the glimpse into your current life and work, as well as the monologues to camera. Your views hit the mark time and time again, but I also feel like they raised more questions and discussion points than gave answers. Mind you answer was probably not your goal. But they were very interesting questions. The production value was great, the subject matter: enthralling, and the editing masterful. You certainly held a mirror up to your life, and I think I understand more. One thing I would like to know is what drives you more to achieve and succeed, praise or criticism (Constructive or otherwise). Your student period: I saw you as the centre of attention, having people's attention, but not hearing their praise of your work. Your focus seemed to be on the one who spurned you. Like so many aspects of many peoples lives - mine included, it's what I can't have or what does not want me, drives me to better myself, and I Often ignore those close to me, who already champion me. I guess I take their (unconditional) love form granted and seek it from others (I imagine every Celebrity you work with wants just that but on a much bigger scale). So In your case: Who's comments do you lend more weight to... Someone you already know, who gives praise, or a stranger, who says something critical: do you aim to prove them wrong? In any respect I loved Pumping Velvet and truly appreciated it and all the hard work that went into making it, I wish you great success with it and any future projects especially finding that elusive BF. Just remember: all men suck, the really good ones really suck and dating is often like throwing mud at walls: often seems pointless, it can be great fun and occasionally something sticks.

PS. You're not obnoxious! And did not come across as such. Actually one other aspect I like about PV was that you did not re-visit your childhood by visiting the places you grew up and were schooled: you simply presented what happened. I see many biography films where people revisit their roots (Childhood home and School). Another aspect was that there were no witness interviews, from friends or family describing their thoughts on you. I guess it was a deliberate decision in the process of making PV to not follow this well trodden path and I think PV is stronger for it: as it's YOU about YOU, not some other interpretation. Again thanks for sharing the insight into yourself, it's great to hear that it's also fun being you and I see PV merely as a staging post; as I'm sure there will so much more from you in the future. And hopefully not just via MTV either. Take care.

173)
Hey Regan, Thanks for the DVD. I just got done viewing it and loved it. Please tell me you will do more in the future. Love your story, but also your production value - I couldn't stop watching it. Also you have a wicked sense of humor. By the way you should consider living in NYC for a while; it has some of the most beautiful black men you will ever meet. They would eat you up alive. Though I now live in West Hollywood, I hail from NYC (Harlem) where I lived all of my life. Good luck and all your endeavors,

174)
Regan, Hey buddy, how are you? First of all, I just wanted to say thank you for the DVD. I got it a couple of weeks ago. I'm in the process of moving and I finally had some time to watch it. I am definitely intrigued by you. I think you make a lot of valid points. I would definitely like to meet face to face sometime maybe over coffee and "pick your brain." Your childhood is particularly interesting to me because I gone through some of the same experiences. It was interesting to see how you evolved to the person you are now. Growing up I often felt alone because of my views. It's nice to see that there is someone else out there that understands what it was like growing up gay. Here's to hopefully meeting you in person and shaking your hand. Yours Truly, Greg Grove AKA Matthew Rush

175)
Regan, You sent me your video probably about 2 months ago. You asked I let know what I thought. I requested your video because in your "dance pictures" in the ads I thought you had one of the most AMAZING bodies I had seen...in contest, in person or in my fantasies. I wanted to see more. Well, I saw more and now I do not have a clue as to what to say. I watched your DVD in amazement and awe that continued to increase as the longer than expected video continued. I went from laughing at familiar things growing up, to wondering, to every emotion when I cried during the home video of you and your sister. Needless to say, I will be rethinking this DVD as I watch it once more, maybe more and share it with friends I hope to inspire or lead or "wake up." I am a white guy with an average dick that does not meet your dreams of a magnum filled with black dick. However, you will be a fantasy and a part of my thoughts because of your DVD until I finally meet you. When and if that happens I probably will go through this process again. This isn't all I am thinking or maybe I still don't know what I think, but what I do know is I am glad you made your DVD. I think it is important that it be seen by millions more than me, it really meets many purposes; use your talent Regan, for they are many.

176)
Dear Regan, Many years ago, when I read "And the Band Played On" I was affected by it. I laughed, I cried, I got angry, I wrote mean letters and I hung on every word. I had to put it down and then come back and picked it up again because it was so much to absorb at one time. Again, while reading Conduct Unbecoming and Mayor of Castro Street: The Life and Times of Harvey Milk I experienced all the emotions again. When he died, I felt not just a loss but a vast disappointment. He was such a great storyteller, such a great writer and he was gone and no one could finish these books! There was so much history that had already occurred and more unfolding and his brilliant voice was silent. What does this have to do with your biographical DVD? PLEASE continue living at 110%. Please continue being more than the sum of other's desires and needs. I did not watch it all the way through the first time, because there was so much to absorb, to feel, to understand and to experience. I would stop and go back and start again. You have poured yourself into this biography and I am better for it. Thank you again for sending me your biography, I truly enjoyed every minute.

177)
Mr. Ford: I do not know how articulate I can be right now. I received Pumping Velvet yesterday. The first time I watched it, I cried all of the way through. The second time I watched it, I cried all the way through and also began to feel very militant. The third time, I cried, felt militant and laughed out loud. Today, I have watched the movie 3 times in a row. Every time I watch it, I get something else. I think that I will watch quite a few more times before I can get all of the emotions I am experiencing out of the way to be able to absorb it on an intellectual level. But then, maybe the movie should not be experienced from an intellectual level only? I'm not writing you to try to hook up or have sex via the Internet. I am writing you to tell you how brilliant I think your movie is... Three days later... I have watched your movie several more times and still I don't think I can be articulate. It is so visceral for me. I wish I could come and knock on your door invite you for coffee, a drink, lunch, dinner, so we could talk about it. But since that is not an option... You are a huge, sexy, gorgeous bodybuilder. I remember when I first saw your photos on Big Muscle. I'm thinking that you could have anyone you want... that your life must be pretty cool and easy to live. When I watched your movie, I still saw the gorgeous sexy man from the pictures on Big Muscle, but my voice was coming out of your mouth. My life story was, to a great extent, being told. It is all about perception isn't it. I perceive you to be a big butch stud that I would have nothing in common with. Yet, we share the same pain, which makes us more alike than different. I'm still not saying any of this well so... Thank you for making this movie. I hope you do not mind if I show it to as many people as I can. I was also wondering about all of the movie clips in your film. Do you have some kind of list? I recognized many of them, but there were an equal number I was not familiar with. I would really like to see the movies. Take care Mr. Ford. And thank you again for your voice. Giving it so generously... especially for those who have not found their voice yet.

178)
Regan, You completely blow me away! Your email was so generous and kind and supportive and energizing! YOU ROCK! YOU ARE DIVA! YOU REDEFINE DIVA FOR OUR COMMUNITY, FOR ALL COMMUNITIES! When I grow up I want to be just like you! I usually am very much like you in terms of living my life full out and proud and DIVA! This has gotten my ass kicked physically, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. My first ass kicking happened on the first day of the first grade when some kid I did not know knocked me to the ground and began beating the shit out of me because, (dare I say it?) I violated traditional gender roles. I was in his words a fag, a queer, a homo something to be hated and ridiculed. I like you did not know what it is was except that it was bad. And I like you did not even act on this until I was in my teens. This guy was the most popular kid in school and where he went so did everyone else. This began a cycle of violence for me that continued throughout school and to this day as an adult. So when I saw your movie, and you so accurately and beautifully articulated my loss of possibility, I grieved. I cried. The pain of many years was looking to get out and be expressed. I grieved that I was not able to explore who I might be without the judgment of society telling me I was bad. That the focus was on being queer and how I acted or tried not to act and behave. As you said so beautifully, how different would I have been? I grieved and it was painful, but thank you for giving me that avenue to express my losses in a way I had not done before. It was so cleansing! When I received your movie, I had been feeling pretty low for a while. I work with gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender adolescents. I love my work. Its what gets me out of bed in the morning. I see on a daily basis these young people getting in touch with their DIVA even when they face what seems like insurmountable odds. Scarred yes, but in tact? Absolutely. Yet in the current social and political climate, I am witnessing the extreme and deadly violence escalating not only in the GLBT community, but in all marginalized groups. It is terrifying and there are times when I feel so helpless and hopeless. Especially when I see one of my kids come in who has been beaten in school or on the street or by his/her family. How could a parent abdicate their responsibility to their child? I don't get it, and I'm seeing this more and more. I have also been working on a paper that deals with the concept of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as it relates to GLBT people. A woman named Judith Herman has put forth a concept that there is a difference between a one time traumatic event and ongoing repeated trauma in terms of symptomology and recovery time. She also says that one of the conditions for Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is being held hostage, whether it be politically, socially, economically, or sexually. I felt that I wanted to apply this concept to the GLBT community simply because no one else has. There are members of our community who cannot or refuse to pass, and these individuals are held hostage legally, politically and socially by the government, religion, education, family, and society. Unfortunately, the hostility and violence comes from the gay community as well. There are those in the gay community that blame victims of anti-gay violence for "acting gay" and drawing unwanted attention and violence to the GLBT community. The result is prolonged and repeated trauma inflicted not just by physical violence, but trauma that includes threats and intimidation of violence and a myriad of methods to humiliate, control, and communicate the hatred of GLBT people who violate the heterosexual model of what it is to be a man or a woman. Since I began researching this paper, I have read hundreds and hundreds of pages about violence against GLBT people and the aftermath of that violence that these people experience. This material is so devastating. It's like picking at your own scars, and fearing for the people you love and the kids I work with. I'm terrified for all of us. It was at this point that I received your movie. It was exactly what I needed. I needed to hear another voice. I needed to be reminded what my life's work is and why I was doing it. I needed to be reminded who I am. I needed to be reminded that YES! I'M A FUCKING DIVIA! PERIOD! So thank you again Regan. You have given me, and everyone else for that matter, such a gift. You gave it so freely and generously. I am so charged. I have been working on the paper, have gone into work and been with my kids in a new and energized way. I am showing the kids that DIVA is what is possible. Thank you.

179)
Hello, My girlfriend and I were flipping channels on Time Warner Cable and saw parts of the Pumping Velvet film on Manhattan Neighborhood Network. We were mesmerized with every aspect of the movie: the visuals, the music - it was truly inspirational. I wanted to get information on how to purchase this DVD as a gift for my girlfriend for her birthday on 10/15 (and as a guilty pleasure, for myself). Through a google search, I found your website and am amazed that you are providing it gratis. Thank you.

180)
I really love your life story and would Love to own my very own copy. If you could please allow me to own one that would be awesome!!! Thanks so much!

181)
Hi Regan, I was writing to request a copy of your film "Pumping Velvet." I saw your film a few months ago at the film fest in Austin and found your film interesting. I have to tell you that it upset me a lot when in the film we learn how you were forced to learn in school. I am so sorry that you had to go through such an injustice. You are a brave and courageous being. Thank you for sharing your life. You broke through that box and this film helps us see that. I look forward to sharing your film with friends. Thank You.

182)
I just wanted to thank-you. I had the pleasure of seeing your film at the Austin Gay Film Fest last month when I was on vacation. I think that the message I received from your film caught me at a time in my life when I am trying to figure out a lot about who I am. I keep hearing from others that being in your 20's is a time in which you are dealing with this "identity crisis." But, for me, being gay in my 20's, has been a wake-up call to the sheltered life I grew up with. As a kid from the suburbs, being gay is not a part of mainstream suburb society. I guess I am just figuring out that life is a series of hard choices. And, what I really got from your film is seeing that it is okay to live your life as you so choose. And mistakes and hardships might come my way. But happiness is what is most important. I choose to be me. Thanks again for the inspiration.

183)
Dear Regan, My friends have been talking so much about your movie. I was really curious as to what all the hype was about. After looking at your website I was sooo stoked to see that you're sending out free copies of your DVD! Thank You so much for putting this out the way you did it's really awesome of you!

184)
Regan, I am completely blown away by your film and I can only offer my sincerest thanks for sending this to me. It was thought provoking, personal, moving, and at times deeply disturbing. I would have to agree when you said that, "some people will get it, and some will not". I GET IT and I am sure that those people who don't get it will always question your motivations for making such a film. I am not one of them. Why? I have found that some stories in life are too compelling to be dismissed or ignored. Yours is one of them and it had to be told. It is unfortunate that as gay men we are continually judged by other people who "just don't get it", and it makes me feel hopeful that people like you are out there making "Art". The movie speaks volumes about your humanity and character as a person. If we never meet I sincerely hope that you find the love and joy in your life that you so richly deserve. One day if we meet I plan on giving you a BIG HUG! Love Ya Babe. You Rock!

185)
I know that you have taken some shit from the gay press because your movie is not in their estimation to be "socially responsible". Big F'ing deal! This was a self-portrait of one person and was not meant to be representative of all of Gay America. I love the fact that this movie sparks such a visceral reaction from mainstream gays who think that they have it all figured out. They have been brainwashed into believing that we are all destined to fall into a category of being a circuit boy, academic, bear, leather queen, crystal queen, bathhouses, drag queen, old queen, cabaret queen, or some pathetic victim. Why can't we be empowered? Why can't we be intelligent? Why can't we be good looking? Why can't we have a successful career? Why can't we indulge our vices? Why can't we share our pain? Why can't we fuck who we want to fuck without being judged for it? Why can't we do all of the things with our lives that we can, while we can? Ultimately, why can't we all be Regan Ford? I think that the movie makes people question the choices that they have made in their own lives. People who have extreme points of view have always been vilified in mainstream America because they do not conform to the the preconceived idea of what other people want them to be. The people who truly experience life are the ones who TAKE CHANCES and put themselves out there knowing full well that they will be judged and/or ridiculed because of their beliefs or lifestyle. We do the best we can with the cards that have been dealt us. I like you have been dealt some fucked up cards and I have made the best of them. And after seeing Pumping Velvet I really, really feel empowered. Thank You Regan!

186)
Regan, with a dose of hindsight, I realize I shouldn't have been so surprised at what I witnessed on your DVD... an insightful, articulate, mesmerizing tour of your life. I am completely blown away. I was prepared for a short ten-minute diatribe with various autobiographical elements thrown in. You know... interesting, but not shattering to MY ego. Regan, it was good, damn good. You touched a lot of topics and feelings I've had and wondered if I was the only one. The main difference was you had the balls to voice them, do them, and be them. I am honored to have had the opportunity to view your story. I've never felt that way about anything I've seen at Outfest, in spite of critical raves. Thank you!

187)
I joined Outfest several years ago in hopes of experiencing the challenge of viewing biting, funny, thought-provoking, cutting-edge films and, hopefully, meeting people in the community. My attempt to move within the gay community was dismal. I found I was not important enough, pretty enough, buff enough, or young enough to be heard or seen. And, on top of that, not connected or wealthy! How dare I show my face. After being pushed to the end of the line, even with premium tickets in hand, I more than enough of them. Especially, ESPECIALLY, after seeing too many films by Bruce La Bruce. Those amateurish films were praised to the heavens as the second coming. How they and many others identical to them were picked and yours rejected is beyond me. Maybe the committees of some of the other festivals around the world will be more informed. Don't give up the struggle.

188)
Regan, thanks for sending BOTH videos - wow. I cannot get over your editing skills. Jesus Christ - that was sooo tight and that Madonna montage... did you do the montage for Drowned World??? The film was great. It was very insightful and had great clips. I had no idea that you were a pro-body builder. Totally fascinating and it made me want to hear/see more about the body building scene... how are you releasing this?

189)
Regan, I just wanted to say thanks for the copy of Pumping Velvet, I really enjoyed it. Your self-indulgence and honesty is refreshing. The fact that you don't apologize or make excuses was an act of courage you don't find, too often, in your business. Again thanks.

190)
Hey Regan I just wanted to say that your comp pics are awesome. I'm a 24 yr old guy who just COMPETED IN THE MY first show, The Debbie Kruck classic in Daytona beach FL. Anyways I live in la and I did a search for guys around Venice and you came up. Loved your interview on the BIZ COACH dude... I thought the interview was very captivating. I was totally glued to the set because I was able to "connect" with you. I was totally inspired. Especially when I saw you on the treadmill late at night preparing for your "show" this sport gets lonely sometimes and not that many people understand it. Thanks for responding so promptly it means a lot. Thank you once again and I look forward from hearing from you. Keep up the good work and you totally got me inspired during this off-season.

191)
Just got your DVD in the mail and I had to watch it ASAP! I thought it was an awesome documentary and I could relate to a lot of the stuff you talked about in the film, I as well was picked on when I was younger and I found an outlet by going to the gym and totally loved how you got into Bodybuilding. I also got into somewhat similar to how you did! I've been debating on cycling but people are telling me not to do it till I get older, My trainer and friends tell me I got some pretty good genetics and I should see how far I can go without that extra help. But your video was awesome and it made me smile, Laugh and remember my child hood and also made me get all emotional... wait maybe its the dieting LOL just kidding your film totally made my day Regan. I Love how you ended it. I too am single and know how you feel about finding someone. It's so hard in the gay world. If it wasn't for my friends who also body build and that are gay I would probably give up. But I plan to do something with this and maybe modeling. Well hope you are well man I wanted to e mail you and thank you for the great Film. Is it ok if I have my other friends contact you or give it out to them so they can watch it? Hope this reaches you in good health!

192)
Buddy...I'm having a really hard time dealing with this election result. I don't know why I felt moved to write to you...except maybe because you are one of the few people I know who seems to really get it, politically. The message is so loud and clear: WE HATE QUEERS! Having dealt with that your whole life, I suspect it is no surprise to you. It isn't really to me either, but I seem to be surrounded by people who don't understand what a bigoted country this is. I truly think this is the end of America as we have known it. At least there was hope in the past, but I see none now. I want to get out of this hell-hole of a country so badly, but I don't see how. What are your thoughts? My friends are mad at me for sinking into despair, seeing me as the one who always fights, the idealist who always holds out hope. But...I've run out. I am tired to the bone of having to fight every second for my dignity, for my right to exist. How do you feel about New Zealand? LOL. Oh well. I'll put on some Jimmy Sommerville, which will at least remind me that life was just as awful in the eighties. And then I will write to my nephew to explain to him why I can never speak to him or my great-niece and great-nephew again, as he and his wife voted for Dubya the Usurper.

193)
If you are going to put out an un X-rated version to change people's attitudes about gays then the postscript needs to be edited. You were incredibly brave to make it. It took guts. Not the kind of guts most guys can understand. Tricking guys by saying your gay and then ganging up on them and bludgeoning them is the worst kind of cowardice. It only shows their insecurity and ignorance. Gay's have a right to resent their treatment. Don't get rid of all the indignation. It's justified.

194)
I believe there are basically two kinds of outlaws in this world. Some are just willfully bad and there are others to whom the Law's promise was never extended in the first place. As gay men we naturally fall into the latter. An innate sense of justice almost demands at times of the naturally born outlaw that we also righteously cultivate the former. I never really wanted to be dangerous.

195)
Hi, I'm a young gay boy from Fargo, North Dakota. I found your sight and felt like you were totally talking just to me. I would love to get a copy of your movie, and think it would be totally awesome to show my friends in Fargo that gay isn't just will and grace, but that you've opened up a whole new idea of what it is to be gay. I would love, love, love to get a copy, and I think that for you just to give them out is a great service to young closeted boys. Thank you a million times in advance. I look forward to seeing the movie, I've read your sight like a million times and showed it to all my friends. Thank you again!

196)
Hi Regan, Thank you so much for the DVDs, I really loved them, it's so nice to see a gay man who isn't the stereotypical nelly on film. I was so happy to see the film I must admit I watched in over and over again. I did however lend it out to friends, who haven't returned it, and I think they will not. I was wondering if you could send me another copy, this one for me. My friends LOVED the film, and I can't get it back! (Greedy bitches) so if would love to have a copy all to myself. Knowing you are fabulous!

197)
Hi, I got you movie. Thanks. I just now watched it tonight and found it very interesting, sad, moving and surprising. Surprising because I did not know what to expect and where it was going. It was both brave and as I am sure you know, egotistical. I could not believe the cardboard box bit while you were in school... that's just fucked up. I am sorry that happened to you among other things. Great job with all the many many gay film clips, so many I did not know. Do you have a list of all the films shown? One that really has me wondering is the clip of the man with the very gross distorted face that was in a wheel chair? Thanks for sending the film, and for you honesty and your story.

198)
Hi Regan Roberson, I am emailing you after looking at your DVD that one mailed to me. I love it, the way you talked about your life as a child and how you talked openly about being gay.

199)
Regan - I don't know how many people have sought you out, but just know that you've got me so fired up about you, your story, your movie, you're saying it. You mailed me a video about six weeks ago. I'm just coming out this year. And Utah is the BEST place to come out. Because us brothers have to fight with every ounce to push away the LDS church from swallowing us back. I'll be showing your DVD to lots of people in the coming months. I hope you know how fucking gifted you are. I did Princeton AND Harvard. And you've got the right stuff. Much appreciation!

200)
Hello Regan, My good friend from Austin, Texas visited me in Milwaukee this weekend. He told me about seeing your film at the Austin Gay and Lesbian Film Fest a couple months ago. He obtained a copy from you and brought it along on his visit. But, we were unable to fit in a time to view it. He urges me to get a copy from you and see it. I know that he will definitely relate to it.

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Hi Regan, I just wanted to let you know that I got the DVD last week, and finally got to take some time yesterday to see it. Whew, that was quite a long dark night of the hole--er--soul! (LOL). I enjoyed it on many levels--very complex (I had arrived at that word less than halfway through, well before the end guy who said you had to become an icon), layered, multi-faceted. I'm still letting it ruminate and digest, so can't really go too deeply into it right now (and am buried in work--I'm a creative director--mainly print--and fine artist working from home), but can relate completely, having gone through much the same about 10 years earlier; I could spend another film's worth discussing my 'adventures in gayland' and do have a lot to discuss, if you want to hear it, but it'll have to be after 'T-Day' and I make my way through some of this work. Figured out early on that you had to be well into the biz (film production), but didn't know how well--the production values alone were superb, and your background looks like the best! I want to reply 'better' when there's some 'downtime' but for now, I wanted to thank you for the opportunity to view your self-portrait, and say I'm very impressed and appreciative of your work!

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I would absolutely love a phone chat with you about the massive growth and total transformation of your beautiful film into a movie theater (rated "R" production)! I am quite busy right now with Holiday reviews and even a Holiday Arts Shopping Guide that I'm coming up with... It is possible for me to make mention of your film DVDS in my column briefly this next issue as per se a "holiday gift" of special canes or what not (hehe) in one's stocking and perhaps tickets to the movie. I'd then love to follow up with a very thorough interview and review once it has been completed and just before it goes to theatre release. I am presuming that won't be until just after the New Year or so? Will it be coming here in Austin, or at least to Texas? You know that Austin is actually quite well known amongst the true stage theatre arts, I didn't know if you had any thought of making into a staged performance as well or not. It was quite risque and yet the audience loved it because of the professional editing and whatnot...Just a thought I'm putting into that creative genius of a brain of yours. I would truly enjoy getting the opportunity to REALLY connect with you one on one. I hope you enjoyed the brief review that I had to sandwich in between all the other column bits. I had wished I had more space allotment to have been able to give you a review all your own, as I felt your work deserved that truly...I'm so happy for you that all your efforts are coming into fruition so positively for you.

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Hi Regan, I was just surfing the Bigmuscle site and got really impressed by "PUMPING VELVET" (this on a purely visual, high-testosterone basis *grin*), followed all the links and, well, I also liked what I read on your website.  You have me as your new fan already!

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I am definitely interested in receiving your DVD. I was fortunate enough to see it a few months ago. A friend of mine visited Palm Springs and brought me your documentary. I was foolish enough to lend it out but just recently got it back and it is all scratched up. Angered by this I decided to go online and to my surprise came across your site and was very happy to know that I can request it. Needless to say, u is amazing...a true inspiration!!!! Thanks Regan...u are great, I wish I could document my life like u did!!!
You have an amazing strength and a beautiful soul.

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Regan, I saw most of your movie and thought it was brilliant! I am a 33 year old lesbian originally from Southern California and there are many points I can surely relate too (a few I can't!! :-). Unfortunately, the DVD was scratched at the end... and did not get to see the last 15 minutes. :-( I would love a copy of your DVD pumping velvet. You are an amazing guy... and have a powerful message I would like to share with a select bunch of like-minded friends. Thanks for saying exactly what need to be said and in the most creative mind provoking way. Best Regards!

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Regan, I feel Pumping Velvet is very timely. It would be great if you could break out of the festival circuit with a theatrical release! I'm looking forward to watching your film again and will give you some feedback when it is fresh in my mind. Thanks!

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First, I'm not sure of your typical 'portal' point--how do people find out about this? I was randomly zipping about on the BM site, ogled you, and went to your link, not knowing what at all to expect--but when I went to the Pumping Velvet site, I got a very good snapshot of what it was all about, and having my interest piqued, I contacted you. What a trip. Lots of emotional roller coasters, but it feels, overall, like your building towards a celebration of your achievements (I was going to say 'life', but there is way too much baggage), I suppose culminating in the creation of your 'icon', but this celebration is always weighed down by the past--which is fine--it seems the deeper the wounds, the longer we have to work through them, often taking an entire life (or as I believe, working through many lifetimes, recurring themes). My first 'disconnect' (for lack of a better word) was the first time I viewed your bodybuilding efforts--I was beginning to get aroused--but then you explored your relationship and subsequent loss of your sister (I loved her wedding pictures--she was beautiful outside, and from your portrait and discussion of her as your best advocate, I know inside, even more so); that was pretty wrenching, and I felt embarrassed at having become previously aroused (little did I know where you were going later on).

About that guy--the one who said you were a gaybodybuilderfilmakereditor and the only thing you could do was to become an icon. Hmm... I thought that was a pretty simplistic response from someone who's probably involved in making them (icons--disposable profit-centers), somehow. Anybody who's got multiple interests, and is good at most or all of them is just an interesting person involved in self-exploration, in my opinion. Now some--yourself, perhaps, have to go out and synthesize it all into a ball of something, which looked like maybe your 'show' at the end--but I'd like a little more info on that level, regarding yourself-what was that? Was it a culmination of sorts, or just a big humpy muscle guy doing some gay go-go dancing, albeit a good bit better than most? Wasn't sure how to interpret that (or was it part of someone's video that you put together too?). I'm curious as to your feelings about all the 'stars' sitting around in your editing suite, while you put together their next media event? I'd guess on one hand, it's a dream come true--but having met some of my heroes and spending good time with them, at the end of the day, they're just people, on a different path...a different trajectory. Truly no better or worse than you or I. It's just 'stuff.' You are all you've got, at the end of the day-and that's what counts!

The animation was great--kudos to the animator--got the school traumas very well; I can't believe a teacher would've 'defaulted' to separating you from the troublemakers by punishing you and putting you in a box. Did you tell your parents? Were they as perplexed as anyone else as to what to do? For a teacher, that was just an unacceptable, fucked-up response! I had my own versions of that, but none as extreme as that; I just got a lot of them not knowing what to do, or how to control things, when kids would catcall the 'gay guy'...every fucking day! See I'm still affected too! And the animation as it lead to, ahem, porno-sex--wowee! The Venice beach animation with the (**SPROING**) boners was great! And what it lead to--yikes--what an incredible cut of some totally hot (yes, I did later have to go back frame by frame and get my rocks off a few times--the hot muscle guy fucking the piece of fruit blew me away, among other images) musclecock! Whoo whoo! Don't know how people would react at various venues about that--just start a writhing orgy on the floor, or what? Not exactly an interlude or diversion, as it's a primo portion of your life, but quite the big, sticky juicy fruit to drop in the midst of everything.

So where does it all culminate? Do you still edit (I'd think so)? Do you still compete in bodybuilding, or just use it to fulfill your own desires? What about the dancing? I'm not much into the scene--especially on the other side of the country- clubbing/shows/dancing? Is 'icon' only a moment, or a way of life? Are you living that, or just being a multifaceted person like (some of) the rest of us? Before I shut down for this writing (11/22), the whole scene, and your experiences reminded me of my own coming of age in the clubs.

I loved the quick-cut Madonna 'many looks/history of personas' piece in there.

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Hey Regan... Thanks for sharing your story w/me. I'm in no way qualified to comment on the artistry of what you've done other than to say you impressed the hell out of me. You're one tough buggah. How the hell did you survive all that crap? I never experienced a fraction of what you did. The only beatings I ever got for being queer were from my parents. The hatred was always ubiquitous though and it cut me like a knife. How is it that you who were brutalized so thoroughly emerged so victoriously and I who could easily pass was so devastated? You're an inspiration and a hero to me. Thanks for your beauty, courage, strength, truth, and talent.

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Hey, Regan! Got the DVD in the mail today. Thank you!!! I am very glad I got the DVD before you had to edit it for mass consumption. It really is a fantastic piece!!! However, I will be more than willing to give you my feedback on the edited version. You are a very talented guy, and I think your story NEEDS to be told!!!!!! Thank you for your bravery in doing this project!! Hope you are well!

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Hey man... what you wrote really intrigued me. I mean, it really fascinated me. I totally agree and feel a lot of what you had to say. It was really cool. I know... I know... I'm sure you get a lot of people saying that and wanting to contact you just because of the way you look, but I truly meant that your words touched me. You don't even have to write back.

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Hi Regan, Just a quick note to say very cool website. We have not formally met although we did say hello while you were preparing to perform at the commodore ballroom this past summer for the Rapture party here in Vancouver. I was one of the designers of the decor for the weekends' events and was franticly installing the decor for the party. Unfortunately I was not able to see your performance that evening as my sweetheart was performing at the pride ball event at another venue. I heard that you were quite amazing! Do you have any performances scheduled here in the near future? I also must say that you have a very interesting perspective in what you have written in the self portrait section of the website and I would be very interested in seeing your DVD!

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Hello Regan, I hope you are having a good holiday season. You don't know me but I saw your film, Pumping Velvet, at the Austin Lesbian Gay Film Festival this year. I was the guy in the audience that asked why you exposed yourself - emotionally - so much in the film. I've had mixed feelings about your work ever since I saw it, but I haven't been able to forget it either. In fact, just last night I had a discussion about it over dinner with friends, some who had seen it and some who hadn't. We got into a heated argument about the film.

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Hello Regan, both DVDs arrived this week. Thank you very much. "Pumping Velvet" is very interesting and extremely well done. Must have been a lot of work. I know you are a professional who has made very famous video clips. And this DVD is made very professional, too. I just wished my English was good enough to express what I think. Thanks a lot again for mailing me your DVD.

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Dude Regan. I loved it. I laughed. I cried. I beat off. Great. I'm totally impressed, if you don't mind I want to show my friends b/c I really like what you had to say and think they would too. It's so awesome that you just put yourself out there like that, that's kind of the direction I'm going with my music, just putting myself out there and not filtering anything I have to say. I'm really stoked I met you b/c its really inspiring for me. Sorry if this letter is too long. I'm stoned right now. Anyways hope you have an awesome trip this weekend and hopefully we can meet up again soon, and this time smoke a bowl. Cheers!

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Hi! I have not written in so long. Sorry. I still think about your visit to Austin and quick meeting at the showing, and I hope that you are succeeding in ALL that you do. You ARE a rather phenomenal man, you know. I hope that you are doing well. Have you found a good man for you? I do hope so. You deserve one, and he deserves you. Granted, I might wish that it could be ME, BUT I am a realist. Take care of yourself and succeed in all you do and do all that you can imagine.

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Hi Regan, a quick note to say hello and thank you for the DVD's. What can I say but. WOWWWWWWWWWW!!! You've come a long way baby!!! I could so relate to so much of your life (and I'm sure that many others can too!) You have done such an amazing job of telling your story, certainly something that you must be very proud of! I am very impressed.

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You know why you are important? Today that I discover you as a person, for me is really special day.
I start to think about the things that you wrote on web. I came from Serbia, Belgrade, where being gay is still considered as a disease. I am so fed up with this society, which teaches us what is right or not, what is white and what is black. When I come back to Serbia, I see all this people destroy, running in such superficiality. And, if you want to travel out from Serbia you need visa, and to get it is really hard. It reminds me on your letter, being gay and 'nigger', like being gay and Serb. I do not know in which person I would grow up in the case that I did not have a possibility to work out of my country. And it is incredible, just like one hour with plane from Belgrade it's Paris, that being gay is consider like usual thing, for example. The majority of Paris is gay. And according to your thinking about HOLLYWOOD, I totally agree, even if I have never been to US. I have never had desire to work there and became one of the 'star' in that system. I have a difficult time to go to the cinema and watch one more shit that Hollywood proposes me as an amazing. But I am sure, this system is going to die soon, they are going to eat each other. So bye-bye Hollywood. I am looking forward to seeing this film and after to show to my friends to Belgrade, Italy, and Paris. Society needs people like you, because of that I know how your battle is important. If you have a time take the drama RICHARD III by SHAKESPEARE, my favorite. There you can read how society can provoke people to become a killer, because it do not accept him on the way he is, so he became a monster. He is not in this box that society proposes that is his sin. I discover the person and the artist, who think in the way I do, so knowing that it helps me to go further. Many thanks

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Hey Regan, I'd be very interested in checking this video out... You seem pretty "aware" which I think is lacking nowadays and I'm into raw uncensored real insight...

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Hey there, I found your site through an interview on Madonnatribe - so you're probably getting a lot of attention at the moment. I would love to get a Pumping Velvet DVD if it's possible. I live in Australia. Keep on kicking against the pricks.

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Regan, thanks for sending PUMPING VELVET. I just watched it last night, since it arrived while I was back in NYC, where I'm producing a new musical. First of all, terrific work! Beautifully shot, designed and edited, not surprisingly. And you come off very well: a little self-obsessed, maybe, but likable and with some very interesting and substantial things to say about being gay in our world.
 

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Wow!!! I've been hearing a lot about you Aviddiva!!! Ever since I heard about the Nobody knows me remix video I was intrigued. Then I went on drownedmadonna.com and read an interview with you. I also caught a glimpse of you and said GODDAMMMMM THIS MO FO IS FINE!!!! I eventually stumbled upon the pumping velvet website and read your story. You have lived. Not only have you worked with our MADGEsty you are talented!! I'm trying to get into film and TV. And if I even came close to where you're at I would be content. Did I mention your also FILTHY GORGEOUS???!!!
 

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Dear Regan, I'm writing to you from Munich, Germany. As a (apparently like you) devoted Madonna fan, it just so happened that I came across an interview with you on a Madonna fan site, which lead me eventually to your own home page. To say it straight away: BRAVO!!!!! If I was an audience, I would give you standing ovations!! Now with that said, let me explain: I was "lured" into reading your interview because I have just seen the amazing "nobody knows me" re-mix you did. But, I must admit this, I looked at your picture and though "damn, he's hot!" (blush)... so I kept reading and was quite amazed about the things you have accomplished. You certainly lived the dream for many of us! And I can say this without envy or jealousy. The way you come across in that interview made me laugh. Very charming, witty and reading between the lines, I thought "he's fierce!" Well... turns out you are gay as well... so you KNOW I wanted to find out more about you! Exploring your homepage I was quite intrigued and I kind of sucked up the things you said. At first I thought you sound like a man that has a lot of anger inside and I couldn't quite relate to it. But that probably was just a language thing. Because after reading several paragraphs again and reading your "pumping velvet" introduction twice I can say that a lot of the things you said make perfect sense and - sadly enough - too many of them are true. Surely, we are from different backgrounds, and being a gay man in the Hollywood industry means dealing with different bullshit than being a gay dentist in conservative Munich, Germany. Yet still, some fundamental things remain the same and I can relate to a lot of your thoughts. I don't know how many hits / responses you get through your website, but I would hope that this e-mail makes its way to you. If only to let you know you have supportive soul all the way over in Europe, or - what I'm hoping for - that you will find a minute to get back at me. With warmest regards!

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Regan, I would love to get a copy of your movie. I hope I'm not asking for too much, but I would love an autograph as well. My name is Steve, and I'm 27 years old. While browsing your website, I realized just how much we think alike. The world is pretty f*cked up in it's way of thinking; or lack there of. I continue to wonder if I'll see genuine acceptance in my lifetime. In my opinion, the word "tolerance" is such a negative word; it equates to someone "putting up with" me and my lifestyle. F*ck that. Society needs to appreciate us for who we are; not "tolerate" our actions and they way we live our life. The way you express yourself on your website gives me a wonderful feeling... To know that someone out there shares the same ideals that I do. To know that they see the world through my eyes, and that I'm not truly delusional. To know that people other than myself are trying to change things. For this, I am honored for the opportunity to communicate with you. I admire you as a human, a fellow gay man, and as an artist. Keeping doing what you do, with all of your heart, and never let any f*ckhead get in the way.

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Hey Regan, I watched your film last night. First off, Thanks very much. I Loved it. Technically, really cool. More importantly- emotionally, I really connected on a lot of levels. As a gay boy growing up in OC (while our stories are really different) I really got where you were coming from.... there are a lot of similarities: feeling isolated as a kid, meth, madonna, and the loss of a sibling... that was all there for me as well. I reached a point when I was 27 where I had to make a conscious decision to be happy, and what's amazing to me, is that when you make that choice, happiness is possible. What I appreciated most though, in your film was the story of your sister. I lost my older brother 2 years ago and while the loss is horrific, the lessons have been amazing. Losing my older brother, has taught me to put an emotional value on so many things in my life, which to me, is now the driving force in my life... happiness, love, understanding... all have to be practiced. Anyway, I really appreciated your film, a reminder how important it is to talk about our journeys. Peace & Love.

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Hello Regan! My name is Cheryl Griswold and I teach with your mother at Meade High School. I believe I spoke with you once before regarding the California race for Governor (or what any proud Democrat would refer to as "Pumping Bullshit"). Anyhow, your Mom gave me a copy of your self-portrait the other day. Needless to say, after my husband and I watched it, we were truly moved. Being snowed in all weekend, we did nothing but watch mainstream blockbuster films such as Forgotten and The Village. I popped in your movie and we were immediately intrigued. We have not been able to talk about anything else since we watched it on Sunday. I just wanted to let you know what a fantastic film you have created. There are not enough adjectives to describe the impact it has placed on us. Although sad at times, it is most definitely a brilliant work of art. I have a couple of other people I am going to show it to and I am sure they will have the same reaction. I also wanted to encourage you to really push this film because I honestly do believe that it is marketable or at least will become marketable in the future. Congratulations on your masterpiece!

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Hi Regan. You sent me a copy of your DVD in New Zealand, first of all thanks so much for sending them to me. Anyway all I can say is I'm blown away! I gather I'm roughly your age, 30ish so throughout the doco I basically could relate to most things which happened in your life. This was simply amazing and a real insight for me, a visual feast. I laughed, I agreed, I hated and I was sad. I had tears in my eyes for your sister and wow I'm pretty much at a loss for words. It was so dramatic and touching and God, I'm sorry that I can't write the right words in this email and things will come later but this DVD is something that has touched something in my soul and I will hold onto this DVD for ever. All my gay friends are going to see this and hell so are my straight friends. It truly amazes me that no matter where we are in the world, all our feelings and experiences are basically the same. I hope you understand, sorry if I'm a bit vague. I loved the honesty and it's really helped to open my eyes, they were always open anyway but I hope you know what I mean. I really am not much of a writer, my head is swimming with thoughts that I want to tell you but I really cannot write them down so all I can say is thank you so much for the experience. This was so beautifully done and I feel so privileged to be able to watch it, never have I ever seen anything like it - the world should see it! At the very least every gay person should. Thanks again for giving me this DVD. I so wish you the best for the future and I really hope you find that love of your life at last!

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Hi Regan, Well yesterday I already received the Disc's, and I immediately watched them, I was really pleasant surprised with the extra disc containing great footage of your work, you are really talented, I know you worked on a lot of video's but this much!!! Really great work. I also love Pumping Velvet, it is a great piece of work, and it was very interesting to see your evolution of life, and al the phases you went to in your life, and how I saw that some part of our live are quite similar, (me being gay too) but the fact you are living in USA makes your choices limited and kind of push you in one direction. Yes can't say anything else that I really enjoyed the movie and I will make sure al my friends will get to see it to. Except for the Aviddiva disc, I totally love that one, and I will make sure to listen watch this a lot. I must say I also am a big Madonna fan so I really loved the parts with her, and the fact you met her, that must have been a great experience?? Well I just wanted to thanks you once again for giving me the opportunity to see this movie, you really intrigued me, and I find it a pity that this was just al there is to watch, well as soon you release something new I hope to see it again. Big Thanks from Holland.

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Regan: I'm still picking my jaw up off the floor. PV was amazing. Ur so impressive that one can ONLY be inspired. How do u wear all them hats? So perfectly? (I know 2 people who are into bodybuilding and they have zero time for anything else). The imagery was amazing, the content was impeccable. More people NEED to see PV, and I will be glad to show them. When u were reading that infamous quote regarding Eminem I was cringing, and thinking "Please G-d, tell me Madonna did not speak these untruths" lol. I am an entertainer, but I have a voice and it elates me when artists actually take a stand, as u have against Eminem. I have literally had secret fantasies of meeting him without his gun toting entourage and whipping' his ass to a pulp, just for the sport of it ;) Homophobic, now what? What else can I say D, u inspired the fuck outta me, I'll admit, I'm infatuated. I can't wait to get back into the studio!! U r the bomb(!) I hope I have the privilege of working with u in the future.

229)
Hey Regan, I really don't want this mail to be a gushing mail but I'm not sure I'm going to be able to hold it back - as I said in my first mail you're an interesting guy, now having watched your doco you're an amazing guy. I sat up until 2:00am this morning watching your work - I couldn't switch it off even though I had to be up for work in 4 hours at 6:00am. I first watched your 'Body of Work' - Jesus man, I didn't realize how many videos you have had input in. So many of my favorites - Jennifer's 'I'm Glad', Janet's 'Everytime', Missy's '4 My People', Robbie's 'Come Undone' and of course Madonna's 'Nobody Knows Me' etc etc, too many to mention - I adored these videos from a visual aspect as well as musically.

Then I watched 'Pumping Velvet' - I just don't know what to say - I was struck from the opening scenes to the very end. Such an honest and open insight into the mind of such a creative talent. As all gay men will probably say to you who have watched your doco, my childhood was so similar to yours - the church going, the bullying, the isolation, the first feelings- all so similar - brought it all back to me - you were lucky to escape any type of sexual abuse from an Uncle - he was a bastard!!!!! The dancing to and copying of my favorite pop stars videos - I learnt 'The Pleasure Principle' too - so scared to go over the chair though. I danced all my life, well from the age of 5 through to 23 - I studied all types and went to Performing Arts School - this is where I felt most comfortable - I guess like you did in college. I just loved the way your doco would be inter-cut with the 'movie' / 'TV' scenes to tell what was happening - graphic scenes but needed - you know your story would not have come across in any other way. I'm glad to have seen the UK version of 'Queer As Folk' in there - as that is my home town of Manchester and to be biased I do think it is far superior than the US version - sorry ha ha. Can I just mention the cornrows - wicked man, you look great - such an awesome look. And one more scene- the scene of you being fucked - amazing and to my favorite Janet track 'Someday is Tonight' - that song makes me so horny and to watch somebody like you, 'at it' with that song playing was just great. So - that's all I have to say - you are a great, open, honest, funny, intelligent man who took me on a rollercoaster of emotions- you inspire me! Good luck in whatever path your life chooses now - carry on what you are doing, because it is simply amazing and I hope you find happiness and a boyfriend, you deserve it - just wish I was black ha ha. Take care mate!

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Regan. Well, I really don't know what to say. LOL I am huge fan of your work. About a year or so ago I was in LA with a friend and he knew someone who knew someone who got a hold of a DVD of yours. It's just titled "AVIDDIVA" which starts out with Madonna from a certain sacrifice I believe. It goes on to include everyone under the sun. (I'm sure you know the one lol) It was only the best thing I had ever seen. The Madonna montage near the beginning blew my mind. My friends died for it calling me non-stop for copies! LOL. I actually only gave one copy to a friend of mine here in Kansas City named Chad Slater. He said he has spoken to you over email a few times. Anyway. I am also a MEGA Madonna Fan dating back to my sisters dressing up like her playing like a virgin and driving me nuts. (I just turned 27). I don't want to take up anymore of your time but I would do anything for a copy of your latest work or anything else you have done especially the Madonna stuff. You're living my dream doing what you do. I wish I had pursued a career like yours! I can't tell you how much I enjoy your work. It just blows my mind! I am willing to pay if need be. Just let me know. Thank you so much for your time!

231)
Regan, Regan, Regan,
Thanks. Got your movie last week. I smoked some pot and put it on that night. I've now watched it through 3 times. I'm not going to deconstruct the movie for you - you don't need yet another opinion am I right. There are some bits in there which are just awesome. In particular the whole gym/dance/fuck sequence near the end. Perfect. For this alone I bow to your genius. Thanks again.

232)
Dear Regan, thank you so much for sending me the DVDs with your Madonna Nobody Knows Me clip. It's the most incredible video I've ever seen and I'm so grateful to you for sending it to me. I can't believe she wanted you to edit out the nudie pix etc... I hope you told her to get over it! It's such a huge piece of her history. I can't wait to see what you do for Madonna next. Everybody wishes she had released Mother and Father...maybe you could do something amazing for that song too?? I also liked your documentary a lot. It's beautifully edited and there's so much I can relate to in there.

234)
Hi there, I got your DVDs in the mail today, thanks! I also watched both of them. Your autobiography was really quite impressive and so well made! My compliments for that! I hope you have found the love you were looking for! And hope you are happy with what you are doing now! Great to see that you've edit some of my favorite video clips! Especially the Janet & Madonna videos. One of my all time favorite videos is Janet's "Son of a gun"... and you did that one! Great! As you may have notices, a lot of Dutch requests this week. Someone posted a topic on your work on a Dutch Madonna forum. I've read quite a few people asked for your DVDs, and we're all really grateful for them. So thanks again! Most people are enthusiastic, especially about the third DVD you added for some. By the way, I'm glad to be living in The Netherlands as a gay guy. After seeing this I once again realize how blessed we are here. I can walk hand in hand with my boyfriend at many places. But not everywhere. It's not paradise. Just like you said, it's a white, straight men's world. But I cannot complain. Sorry to hear about your sister, she was a beautiful woman. Let's hope you'll be together once again! Wishing you all the best!

235)
Hey Regan, thanks for the DVDs you sent. I thoroughly enjoyed them both. I loved the way you put Pumping Velvet together. The portrayal of gay men in movies through the years slapped me in the face, especially when viewed within the context of your development. We sometimes forget how society has thought in the past and in some part still thinks!! It all came back to me. Just the other week in the pub I had some bloke with a girl on his arm protesting a little too much about how gays (i.e. me!) are okay as long as they 'don't bother him'. After about 15 minutes I thought enough of this! I felt as in his mind I was being tolerated and he thought I ought to be grateful, or dare I say I was being desired? How fucking wrong! Either that or hypocritical. The video clips and music make a fab backdrop for a life story and glossy to death! I loved the way you gave Madonna her own dedicated spot - I guess she deserves it right! She hit me that hard at the same age as you and still does. She was a guiding light in the teenage years and still is in many ways. I loved the whole thing, it was an inspiration. May the force be with you on the mission. I pray it's with me this end too. All my best to you!

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Thanks for the DVDs. Yesterday I saw your self-portrait movie and the mega mix. It's a great job you've done - I mean both. The videos are very good combined and the music is awesome. As you said, the movie is very personal, some of the black and white scenes with you answering the questions, talking about your life remind me, I don't know why, of Madonna's documentary. Hmmm you showed everything what was and is important for you...is it all of you I don't think so :) Once more thanks for your movie...a fucking great job...don't stop. I wish you everything best!

237)
Hi Regan, I read your interview on Drowned Madonna. Very cool that you met M through Mondino on "Human Nature." I think that is one of her very best videos. On your disclaimer page, I like what you said about the struggle of growing up gay, and also about believing in yourself. I grew up in church, went to Bible College and sang contemporary Christian music all my life. It was a difficult, but incredibly liberating experience when I decided to embrace myself for the first time in my life. I also appreciate how you encourage people to make art. I released an independent CD last year that's gotten great reviews. At first, I struggled about whether to come out with my music. But ultimately I felt that, damn the consequences, it was the right thing for me to do.

238)
Regan, I wanted to let you know how interesting and enjoyable your DVD was... well actually both of them. The way you're able to incorporate music with the visuals you do is awesome. Being from a small southern town I totally related to your movie and actually as you put it, I really 'got it'. I endured being picked on in JR high and high school in the 80s and when I finally found my self I realized how shallow and boxed in my fellow students really were. Its great to see someone gay being different and not the usual will and grace type of character that society seems to think we all are. I too have been a Madonna fan since the beginning and she inspired me as well. I just wanted to thank you again for the DVDs. I hope to hear and see more work from you in the future.

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Hi. I come from Poland. I saw a piece of your film and I think that you look really cool and I agree with your opinion about gay. I am gay too and I have no problem with that and life is really good in that case!

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Thanks for the screeners. I had an entire evening devoted to you last night. By sharing your story, I think you succeeded in showing the common threads that many of us experienced growing up gay. How we deal with them in our adult lives is very different. I was fascinated to see how all your experiences have turned you into a gay editor bodybuilder icon! Congrats on a job well done and thank you for making art for art's sake in our over-commercialized world. I especially enjoyed the b & w film school dance solo movie, the fact that you memorized the Pleasure Principle choreography (I did that too!); the love scene and I've always thought that Janet Jackson song was a really hot track (if I'm thinking of the right one). The whole end of that album is great and the Madonna montage was amazing... but that's obvious. Again thanks for the screeners.

241)
Regan, despite the dangers of writing at 2:36AM, PV has been on my mind and I'd promised you more after the 2nd viewing. Tuesday I was able to get my partner, who falls asleep during most movies, to give PV a shot. I'd told him nothing except that I thought it was extraordinary. Far from falling asleep, it had his rapt attention from start to finish. It spoke to him on so many levels - the childhood open abuse, the Catholicism, even the injections (3cc's in each cheek? yow!). Being my 2nd viewing, I was watching other things and hearing other words. Your comments on the website about women living in a man's world, blacks in a white world, gays in a straight world.... to that, add older people in a young world... and along with it, older gay men in the gay sub-world. I hope that you survive and prosper to make Son of PV - in 10 or 15 years. There will be other things I suspect you'll want to say in that one, and I'd like to see and hear them all. There are so many Regan's in PV. So many in your life. The Regan on the sofa, relaxed in one sense, but shying away from the camera. The Regan dancing on stage, ripped and superhero-like. The Regan being fucked and looking at the camera at the strategic moment. Others... Finally, the Regan in the pool. Drunk. Opening the wounds for your own sake and the sake of the piece. You engender different sets of responses to each Regan. Are they all you or are most of them characters you play? My partner & I hope that our paths cross sometime, Regan. Next time you pass the windmills, keep us in mind.

242)
Dear Regan, I received your DVD and hereby I would like to thank you. It was interesting to see how you filmed your story but also a little bit shocking! But you made your point! The DVD with the mixes of music is also a very good item. That item we did use on a high school party. It is amazing to see how many work you did with al those famous artist. I also saw that you worked with Madonna. I'm a fan from her my whole life! She's great. So I can say I'm a bit jealous! Thank you for your generosity by sending me free the DVDs

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I was reading your website concerning your documentary Pumping Velvet and am very curious to see it. I am intrigued by your passion and being a gay man obviously can relate to the "struggle" we all face. I'm a 21-year-old living in Long Island, NY. I'm out and I feel that I've dealt with many of the issues us as gay man are faced with, but still have a vast amount to learn and apply. I have not turned my head away from liberation - and I recognize the struggle we face. The struggle of blacks and Jews in this country is parallel to hardships and discrimination we face. A man who strives to break stereotypes always catches my eye, and I'm glad to see that. Anyway, I would love to see your documentary. Let me know if you're in the NY area, enjoyed learning about your views on experiences and the media. Good luck to you man

244)
I want to thank you again for sending me a copy of your DVD. I have watched the entire film and really enjoyed it. The production, color, sound, and animation are pretty flawless in my opinion. (The animation is well done and adds a good vibe to the film!) The only thing that I would change (if you are asking me this) is I would like to see and hear more about you and your life as opposed to so many pop culture references. It almost seems that there is more pop culture in a film about you than you, and trust me that you are probably more interesting than the pop references used! Coming from a bodybuilding interest/hobby myself, I would like to hear more about how it has affected your life through training, competing, etc. So basically, just more of the meat of the film taken up by Regan himself!! Let me know what u think of my comments and what direction you are heading next with your piece. Thanks again for taking the time to share your film with me (someone you have never met! :)

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Regan- Thank you so much for sending the DVD's. Your movie was very inspiring to me. I loved the fact that you didn't hold back anything and you weren't out to make a mainstream movie. Your story is very interesting and so many parts myself and so many other guys can identify with. I can't say how much of a fan of your work I am. That was very kind of you to send those to me without asking anything in return. I am also a huge Mariah Fan... What are you working on with her? I have read several articles recently about her new album and the thought of you working on the videos makes me so excited... God I feel like a dork when I write these emails to you... LOL I hope I don't come across as a dorky kinda person.... LOL I just haven't met anyone before who is working my dream job. Again, thanks for everything. GOOD LUCK!

246)
Hey Regan, I stumbled across your website (actually because I was researching the awesome NKM video you did for Madonna) and was pretty much blown away by what you had to say. We're the same age (I'm 34 going on 35) and much of what you write resonates deeply with me. I'm a small town boy from Michigan who, growing up gay, didn't know what the fuck was going on. Long story short, overcame obstacles/hate and am pretty fucking happy with who I am. Oddly, I've lived in LA 2 years now & see there is more self loathing & hatred among people here than I *ever* experienced or directed toward myself, which was unexpected but insightful...

247)
Hey man, Regan... Your lines impress me. You say frankly what many people don't even dare thinking. However I think you must live in a world, in an environment, which allows this or challenges you to do so. Congrats! What must I do to be able to get your DVD? I live in a little village and work in a school near Bern in Switzerland. You can imagine that living openly over here is not what is expected by people... However, my life is ok, I've got plenty of freedom to live my life.

248)
Dear Regan, I'm writing from Sydney, Australia. Your self-portrait film Pumping Velvet has just been shown here as part of the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras Film Festival. I missed it because the tickets were all sold out. I've read really good reviews out there about your film, and I'm getting increasingly curious to watch it. I was wondering if you'd let me know how I can get my hands on a copy of the DVD here in Sydney, Australia. There's only 1 main gay lesbian media retail & distributor here called The Darlinghurst Bookshop, but I'm certain even they won't have a copy of it now, seeing as the film festival isn't even over yet. In fact it might take them at least 2 years to distribute your film, if at all. On a more personal note, I'm very proud of you as a fellow gay man who isn't afraid to bare his soul inside out with blatant honesty and voice his opinions without worrying whether it would generate adverse reactions, which it has, from both the gay and straight communities. I even once came across a webpage on the Internet that completely disses out your film, but I personally think that the author of this particular review misses the point completely. Plus, I don't think anyone has the right to criticize you and your outlooks, views, and perspectives, and your life, especially when they're not in your shoes. I have the URL here, but I wouldn't want you to get upset over it if you ever come across it. But if you want to have a look, let me know. You should definitely give yourself a pat on the back and be proud of your neat piece of work. I may not have seen it, but based on what I've read so far on your homepage.  I am already finding it compelling and groundbreaking. That's why I would really appreciate it if you'd let me know the availability of the DVD version of Pumping Velvet.

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I feel sorry for those critics who cannot see past the superficial factor of your film, because all they talk about are your controversial point of views that are taken literally word-by-word, and some technical flaws. I think they completely miss the point. Isn't that exactly why it's called a self-portrait... because it depicts who and what you are as a whole person? I personally believe that it's your honesty that encouraged you to put yourself in a position that's vulnerable to criticisms and sneers by exposing your real self, warts and all, with all your flaws and imperfections, with both the good and the bad, to the public. I mean, those ignorant critics should realize that you could have decided to simply say things in your film that you knew would sound politically correct, that people wanted to hear. But I assume since that was not the real you, you chose not to. That's what I call true courage and I really admire and respect you for that.

250)
I got your DVD's a couple weeks ago, but I didn't have a chance to watch Pumping Velvet until this weekend. It turned out so great! There was so much more to it than I remember. I loved the animations, whoever did them did a great job. The pacing and everything throughout was right on - even better than a bunch of the features out there. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for sending them. GREAT JOB.

251)
Dear Regan, A friend of mine, and I believe, an acquaintance of yours, introduced me to your Self-Portrait about two weeks ago, and since then I've tried my damndest to get the word and the viewing out to all of my friends in and around Baltimore and DC. I think it's one of the most honest pieces I have seen concerning life experience, only because of its sincerity. Your feelings, words and images resonated so clear, no matter how different the experience of your audience. It shows your talent, experience, and the honesty of your art. From one artist to another, you have my respect and my thanks. You also have a request from me, as I would be honored to own my own copy of Pumping Velvet, (especially, so I can give this copy back to its rightful owner). Congratulations on your career, because your talent has clearly earned your success. (Don't settle for anything less in your future man!) Good luck and many thanks!

252)
You sent me your film in January and I just finished watching it tonight (school and work been super busy) the eminem scene blew em away... I felt really betrayed with M's public announcement about her feelings towards eminem... she really let US down, as far as I'm concerned, the mouth that's fed her for over 20 years.... I didn't appreciate all those black schlongs all over the place... ha haa... kidding.... it was really well done...had a definite truth or dare vibe and really liked how u weaved the music in there.... the go go box scene was way hot...interesting life you've led.... interesting to know u had something to do with Jlo at white party...think we've all felt the same things u felt growing up queer.

253)
Hi Regan, I just read your interview online (Madonna tribe). It was great! Love your work. I really love your video for Madonna's Nobody Knows Me. I can watch that over and over. I've never seen it before in the clubs... just saw it online. I'm sure everyone would go crazy if they saw it on a big screen. You have a great website. Really makes you think. I would love to see your movie. I think you're hot too!!!

254)
Your whole movie had irony and sarcasm and attitude. I have a hard time putting into words what I'm thinking so ill do my best. I don't understand why people were talkin' shit about your film. It's not a movie you're releasing to the masses. It's a personal statement/ story/ analysis of the world from your perspective available to people who are interested in hearing what your perspective may be. What's there to talk shit about? There's no license for that here. We all have our tastes though but I give u credit for doing this...second there was some soul here and I'm not talking about all the brotha's. My sisters my best pal and that whole sequence with your sister brought me to tears. She was a beautiful girl and I'm truly sorry for your loss. And your whole bodybuiliding story is really inspirational because you were so thin.

255)
Regan, Hope all's well with you. We had houseguests from Atlanta & North Carolina for a few days, and showed them your video. The younger of the two is 20, and a NC State HS Wrestling champ who has been out for some years - the other is a buddy who came out in his 30's. Both found the video engrossing - and I suspect at least one will be writing to you to ask for a copy. I was chatting with a photographer buddy in LA this morning, and in the middle of the conversation he said with no particular introduction "have you ever heard of a guy named Pumping Velvet?" - Scott knows his way around ALL the muscle sites - turns out a buddy of his had brought your video over to his place last night. Finally, while I can't always be certain yet when one of your videos comes on, I'm very well aware when I'm watching something that is NOT yours. There is a focus to everything, which I recognize - a sharp edge which holds and directs my attention. No wonder they seek you out!

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I just spent some time on your website and found your honesty refreshing and much needed. I truly enjoyed reading your self-portrait and congratulate you on your honesty and achievements. You have similar life experiences that haven't hindered you but have made you an honest, strong, and very good-looking man. Thanks for your reply. I honestly didn't think you would. You're a great inspiration.

257)
I picked up my mail today and received your AWESOME letter... I'm pretty much at a loss of words! Someone sending you money for your art for the first time... well, this is the first time I've received such a great thank you letter! I was appreciative that you took the time out of your day to put that package together for me, take it to the post office on your time and send it out at your own expense, thus I wanted to give you a token of my gratitude! I took your DVD of work with me on my recent flight to Florida... Rockin' out on the plane! I showed it to a few buddies out there and they loved it. I've shown it to friends here and they too have loved it Regan. I'm not sure what the following idea would entail, and maybe it would be too complicated to get permission if you needed to... but it seems like people would pay to have something like this... I personally think it would make a perfect viewing item for a party or get together... then again, I don't think there'd be much socializing going on, for everyone's attention would be focused on the TV! There's probably other complications as well, but I just wanted to share the thought with you. THANK YOU!

258)
Hi dude... I finally received the DVD... road was far to France... What a good work you made! Fuckin great music for funny images! YOU are gorgeous and I'm sure you 're a funny guy!

259)
I've received your DVD and let me tell you, you're quite an inspiration. You have accomplished a lot and do a damn good job at it. Your honest about who you are and what you do, that's rare these day. Way to go! Thanks so much for sending me the DVD; it gives me something to look up to. Your Fan!

260)
Well, I watched your movie, and for the first half hour I seriously thought you were my soul mate. Until you told us you dig black guys, lol. Guess that is out the window. Eh, just my luck. Back to your movie. Your younger dancing videos: Dude I entered a dance contest when I was 22 and danced to a mix of Hooked on Love by Dead OR Alive, Miss U Much and Pump up the jam. YES it's on video, we were so much on the same page there. Even your headphones on the treadmill. For years I would jog on the treadmill and envision guys on boxes dancing. I always thought that would make a hot video, all these studs turning the nautilus equipment into stripping poles. Like when Moby puts his glasses on in that video and sees those chicks dancing. I cannot even begin to elaborate how much that film moved me. You not only affected me and changed me but confirmed and embraced me through your art letting me know that it is alright. That all the years of hurt that I have are alright and I am not alone. Thank you for that.

261)
Dear Regan, you know what? I got home tonight feeling really cranky and guess what I found on my bedroom floor. The DVDs from you. My flatmate must have slipped them through underneath my door. I let out an ecstatic yelp and quickly put Pumping Velvet on. The next 105 minutes were a mixture of excitement, pain, anger, love, hate, and pride. You couldn't have done anything better to make your life so "accessible to others", especially gay people who can identify themselves with the portrayal of your life story. It is thought-provoking, moving, sexy, heartfelt, and thoroughly enjoyable.

I don't know where to begin, but I'll try. Pumping Velvet is the sort of film that I would have found cringe-worthy and self-indulgent if it had been done by anyone else, let alone a straight person. More than anything, there are quite a lot of things in the film that I can honestly relate to on a very deep, personal level. Some of the things you say are brutally honest and there seems to be no hesitation or remorse in you, and I truly respect you for that. Anyone else would've just put it on for the camera and said things that they thought the audience would want to hear. There seem to be no half-measures with you and the sentiments that you express in the film, while at the same time your cocky-but-endearingly-charming openness steadily becomes a very important and attractive asset to the film and how it may be perceived by people.

The production is elegant and very unique, especially with the different types of media from animation to black-and-white to handheld video camera to photography and the rest. There's a bit at the start of the film where you get out of the car and start walking in to your house, carrying a teddy bear and I really thought that was clever because it is an obvious tongue-in-cheek irony that sets the tone of the rest of the film. I also like the shots of you on a sofa flicking through the channels with a remote control in between scenes. It would be an understatement to say that the cinematography of Pumping Velvet is refreshingly inventive.

I admit I'm no expert film critic, but I have an opinion and I want you to know that because there are people in the gay community like myself who have faith in and find meaningful connections to you and your life as depicted in Pumping Velvet, you need to give yourself a big pat on your back and be proud of your work, life, and self.

Thank you so much Regan for putting out this film and letting me have a chance to have my own copy. I appreciate it more than I can say. Take care, all the best, chat soon.

262)
Hey Regan, the DVD arrived today. Thanks for that. I could relate to a fair bit of it. I was kind of bullied at school also and branded gay before I was even aware of it. Hate Eminem also. Mel Gibson and Russell Crow take similar stands on homosexuality. I distinctly remember an interview I think someone from Entertainment Tonight was doing with him where he was in trouble for saying something really nasty about gay people in the media and he simply said "I don't give a shit, they mean nothing to me". Very rude! Love your portfolio. How do you make the colors so beautiful?

263)
Dear Mr. Ford, I have just had the immense pleasure of sitting through your self-portrait at the 2005 Melbourne Queer Film Festival. Not only did I enjoy how original and creative the film making was, but also your personal thoughts and feelings on particular subject matter in today's society, much to which I agree. You certainly are an intriguing and even inspiring individual to say the least. After the film I came across the 'pumping velvet' website, hence the reason for this e-mail: I would love to own a copy of your self-portrait. To me, it would be a masterpiece in terms to film making to add to my DVD collection.

264)
Regan, I must say, you are doing everything I have wanted to do in my life - living in LA as a Music video director and editor of remix videos - (how cool is your resume?)

265)
Okay, I don't know your name, but I will just call you "D" like your profile reads. Also, I will try not to make this email too long so you won't get too bored with it.

I read your "disclaimer" on your website. I read the entire thing and honestly I'm at a loss of words because I don't know exactly where to start. First, I almost cried after reading it because it was so articulate, sincere, and beautifully "human". D, I hope to God that you really mean what you say. A lot of it was what I have been thinking for a long time about the gay culture, religion, faithfulness, etc. I feel I should start by saying thank you. Thank you for saying that guys "on the DL" are nothing but cowards trying to hide who they really are because they will be labeled as something not masculine by others. For me being an attractive black gay male, I usually have no problems attracting other black men. But from what I have experienced in my childhood, what I have experienced dating black men, and the stereotypes that I sadly see so many of my black men fit, I have been extremely cautious around other black "gay" men for a long time now. Like you said about Eminem being asked about niggers and faggots, but him not being neither, you have no idea how frustrating it is to see so many black gay men, or just gay men in general, be so afraid to be gay. With profiles that I see "Strictly Top DL bruh", "Not into any fems, but yall are funny as hell", "very straight-acting", I mean what the fuck does "straight-acting" mean exactly. You are deliberately trying to act straight?! I'm not feminine myself, I'm naturally masculine, but I have had so many of my "feminine" gay friends beat themselves up for being so feminine. One friend actually told me that a guy he was dating for months and months all of a sudden broke up with him because "even though you are so great and you have so many qualities that I have been looking for for so long, I'm beginning to fall for you and that scares me because I just can't fall for someone so 'in touch with their feminine side'. I really really admire you for being so comfortable with yourself and not afraid to be who you are, but I just can't be that". And it kills me how selfish these "DL bruhs". And I have to say it isn't just black men doing this shit either like everyone wants to make the scapegoat. It makes me so fuckin mad how one of, if not, the main reason why AIDS cases in African-American women have sky rocketed is because contraction through their husbands who are having unprotected sex with other men. Not only does that make gays look lascivious and selfish, but black gay men particularly. I remember I was talking to a friend of my roommate's boyfriend. He made no subtleties that he definitely liked me. I was interested in him too. We were talking for hours that night about many things and the subject fell on men on the DL. I brought it up and it seemed like I was the only one in the room fervently condemning this concept and how these men are just cowards and don't have balls to be who they are. The guy actually defending these men, but he did it through religion, which pissed me off even more. Saying most of these men, himself included, probably think that men having sex with other men is an abomination and he loved God too much to be with a man in a romantic sense. When he has sex with men, it's purely physical with no emotional involvement so that makes it okay. I couldn't believe what the fuck I was hearing. He said that he will never end up with a guy, he will marry and woman and have kids and continue to fight the "urge" to have sex with men the way God would want him. And after that conversation, he still had the mothafuckin balls to tell my roommate to hook him up with me because

"Goddamn, you roommate is sexy as shit!"

R, I want to thank you for being a believer in God and being so comfortable with where you stand with your faith. It's funny how it took my nine whole years, from 11 to 20, to truly, truly accept me being gay, but now that I have, everyone else in my life is trying to "change" me. I'm 25 now and my mother STILL says "it's just a phase, you don't know you like I know you". Even though I have told her on SEVERAL occasions that I have NEVER EVER had an erection over a girl, ever! So when I tell her that I'm finally okay with myself, she throws God into picture by saying, "it's an abomination", "I'm trying to save your soul", "you don't know how much this hurts the Lord". In essence, making my being gay my failure, instead of my success for finally accepting and loving who I was. R, you have no idea how it makes me feel when I think I have so many things together, but this one thing will trip me up. I'm honest, I'm monogamous, I'm kind, I'm compassionate to others, I'm courageous enough to follow my ambition to be a singer (I moved to LA from Maryland literally with a dollar and a dream), I'm giving, I have a deep love for God and all that He has created; but ultimately I'm going to hell in my mother's eyes for being gay. How insane is that? Don't get me wrong I love my mom deeply (there's a looooooong back-story to that that I won't get into).

I want to thank you for thinking that gay love is beautiful just like me. And how could God condemn two men or women that love and "make" love to each other, as opposed to lauding a man and a woman having a one-night stand.

266)
Hello Regan, Hope you are having fun whatever project you are doing at the moment, with loved ones around you. It took me a while to get back to you regarding your self portrait, and I must say it had an effect on me, to start I had heard about you many years ago through Vance, and based on that and seeing him on your self portrait just confirm everything, he is a cool guy who used to visit the Spa with a client of his, stories to tell, but back to the subject, I really enjoyed it, love the music, love the sequence, and respect very much your point of view and your accomplishments, it help me realize a lot of things around me and people around me, it truly is a source of inspiration for me as a gay men, since many of your experiences as many gay men out there I feel identified, and it also made me realize that yes I like big men too LOL, regarding bodybuilding it did ignite something in me to see you in action it was awesome, a friend of mine who is straight was going like "play it again dude" so I have been having afternoons of playing PUMPING VELVET to my friends, they seem to pick on different things for themselves which I think was the attempt and purpose besides of sharing you personal life and accomplishments, I cannot put in words the effect you work had on me, but let me tell you thank you very much for all your work, time and bold move to do this, thank you for being such a brave human and stand for your self against all odds, hats off to you and your work, I hope one day I can meet you and have a conversation with you!

267)
Thanks man... it was brilliant!

268)
As I left the theatre, people around me were mainly commenting on how impressed they were by the many things you have tried and successfully accomplished. I overheard comments such as 'He's done so much with his life', 'He is a positive role model for any gay man' and 'I can't believe those Aviddiva remixes are his!' I went with a group of friends and the conversation after the film touched on all of the comments above. One of my friends even went home to check his Madonna 'Hollywood' single to see if your remix was on it! I think the overall reaction to the film was quite positive. You have certainly made an impact to the 'worldwide gay society' through the different projects you have been involved with. I went to the first screening and the cinema was probably about 3/4 full. There is a second screening tomorrow night so hopefully word-of-mouth hit the streets and it may be sold out (like all the other films showing the second time round). I hope my information helped you paint a picture of how Melbourne audiences are receiving your film.

269)
Hey Regan, thanks for sending the film. I popped it into the DVD player last night about 11:30 thinking I'd watch some of it until I got tired then head to bed and watch the rest later. I watched the whole thing! I was pretty riveted by your work and your life story!!!

270)
Hey Regan, Thanks for the movie. It was Very Interesting. I love the part where you Kill Eminem. I hate him also, and since I'm originally from the Detroit area people always assume I am a fan of his, but I'm always like hell No. Anyway, thanks again for the DVD's.

271)
Hi Regan, so finally I was able to watch the Pumping Velvet DVD Movie. THANKS for the both DVD, the other I will watch on another day, evening. It's a great autobiographical movie and some things we have in common or similar. Reminded me a little of "Celluloid Closet" with all the snippets from movies, but I like the mix with very personal views, experiences, things (Family issues), this cartoon scenes and the snippets. Sad were the things around your sister Roslyn, the scenes from the childhood were so cute (I got a great sister 2 years younger called Connie) and using The Carpenters. Your experiences around becoming Gay must have been very tough - but I don't know (maybe I did not understand ALL, (english/american is of course not my native language) how open you handled it, seems very open. The Dance Show and the chosen music was GREAT. I enjoyed it. What a great Mix from Boy George, Pet Shop Boys to Renegade Soundwave. At the beginning you mentioned some political, general views about America. That was great. It shows that some people (of course....) are still reflective in the USA. It was a great, entertaining movie with brains & fun. Thanks for the hot shower scenes, if I was not too tired LOL... I enjoyed it very much. Love from Germany.

272)
Hey Regan... I liked most your body "style" at the Dancing-Light-Show and of course under the shower and in bed with the black guy. At the Bodybuilding Convent that was too much for me. But it will be of course different when you are a fan of this kind of sports. I also go to the Gym since some month now and I like it but only to get more sporty and some condition.

273)
From Regan to icon... Well, that's what you are to me. I followed you around since a year or three, while reading the credits of the video for 'Breaking Up The Girl', I was very impressed. Later I heard you were involved with my favourite Marilyn Manson-video too. You got me hooked since then. But let me introduce myself first... I live in The Netherlands. I'm gay. Tried not to be gay for a few years until I had to admit that I was nothing more than a human being with slightly different needs. Your story touched me. I found your website through MadonnaTribe (for which I work as a moderator) and read your story just now. I was glad to read that you have an intelligent way of approaching yourself, with some sarcastic yet honest perspective. I'm amazed about the coincidence in stories we share. And it's wonderful to read that you turned everything you felt like doing into something you love doing. Please send me the DVD 'Pumping Velvet'. Inspiration is everything. Like I am. Like you are.

274)
Ciao Regan! I received your documentary today, thank you...GREAT STUFF! I stayed in and watched it although the sun was shining outside. I'm 34 (Aug 24th 1970) so I could relate on a very personal level to a lot of the content, music, fashion etc. The soundtrack was so great! Ps. you look great in the "fight club" HUSTLER t-shirt!

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Hey Regan, Your website is great. I have been dealing with a lot of the same issues that you write about. Your courage and honesty is a real inspiration to me. I would like to learn more about you. I would like to get a copy of your DVD. Thanks for putting yourself out there.

276)
Well - I'm finally writing back to thank you so very much for the discs you sent - both helped me a lot and were grounding in many ways. As for your bio film - it was so good - and really comforting to me on many levels - it was so funny in parts and touching when it needed to be - I loved your dancing circuit/cardio segments as well as the animations with J-Lo and Madonna - how cool is 'the Madonna minute' ? You have the career of my dreams sir - and the body I used to have before I went all-natural - even though it worked for me - it would be nice to have gone in the same direction and competed like you do. The second cd was great too - I watch it all the time... your reel rocks! All the videos and the splicing with the music makes me silent.

277)
I'm in awe. Let's start from the beginning (including details you probably don't want to know): I got home from groceries and saw your envelope on the table (so fast!). Got me excited and I hurried upstairs to watch. I'm in awe. I sat through your self-portrait with a nice 'n' hot cup of tea that had turned cold when the subtitles began. Is it possible to agree totally with what someone has to say? I realized it is... Can't think of anything you said in the film I don't agree with...
 

Everything you said, showed, stated, let me listen to was complete, honest and right. It's a sincere self-portrait. Nothing less. Nothing more. It's all about you and exactly the way it's supposed to be. You reflect childhood with such distant yet emotion it made my eyes wet and put a lump to my throat. Your sister is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I'm sorry, I'm going from one topic to the other - I'm just really excited. It's like what your colleague said during the editing of Hollywood: 'You are not a bodybuilder, not gay, not... ...so you need to become an icon'. He's right. Just like you said he was right. Just like I said in the topic of the first email I sent you: From Dust(in) to Icon... Some coincidence.
 

You continue to amaze me. You are the person that doesn't take himself all that seriously. Yet you are the one that takes yourself damn serious! But you still seem to be searching. You still need those arms. A beating heart against your chest. And to find the love inside you want to let out so you can finally have peace with yourself. And others. You want to be loved. To love. Wow.
 

Yes, your film made me want to cry. And laugh. But I couldn't. The emotions were cropped inside of me, like I was you throughout the film. As if I only could talk about the emotions like you did in the interview-sections. It was an experience. You completely re-invented yourself. More than once. You didn't change, you took shape. That's what the film reflects. And that's exactly what I am going to tell the television-producers here in Holland (BNN). Yes, the film must be distributed. As soon as possible. You deserve more than you think. Icon.
 

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Ciao Regan, Your videos are excellent!!!!! Che bravo che sei, veramente!( How wonderful you are, really!) I really enjoyed watching them, and to tell you the truth, they totally should win awards... Especially, the doc about your life! I will definitely show your vids to my friends. I will write you a longer e-mail, when I'm not in such a rush! Until then, I wish you many blessings and positive energy. Stay true, tough, and strong... Ti mando un bacio dolcissimo e un abbraccio forte (I send you a sweet kiss and a big hug) stammi bene (Take care)

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I think you would be a great speaker! As the talented and intelligent person you are, I think you'd be perfect. Thank you for existing you wonderful person.
 

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Hi Regan (or whoever is reading this:-) I am writing for the DVD, Pumping Velvet, which it is rare to see someone share their story to humanity for FREE! I am not writing just to get something for "free" (believe me, I passed up a free energy drink while walking to work today) but for a chance for another gay dude to see & hear what Regan is saying. Reading Regan's intro is a relief to me since I have similar feelings that I've bottled up for years. I do agree with Regan that many people really cannot grasp the reality that this world holds many different people. What a tragedy that many cannot see the difference in people and accept one another. It would mean a great deal to me to experience Pumping Velvet and hear someone, without the politically correct censorship that Hollywood cranks out. I want to hear it straight from a Man's Man!
Regan, your work is awesome, if you're ever in Chicago give me a holla'!

281)
I had a nice long talk with my boyfriend the other day, discussing your film and what it portrayed. And that I agreed on everything you say in it. The whole gay-thing is worse (can't find another word to describe it) in the US than it is here in Holland, but it's not very different. I remember being called a faggot in the last class at elementary school by a black kid. I never saw myself that way. I just had more intelligent discussions with girls and simply didn't care for chasing each other so you could pinch their nuts (and they think we're weird...). I never really thought about it until I saw Pumping Velvet. It's true: I was treated like an outcast before I even knew I was different.

We're lower than life, it seems. Even friends who can't help themselves point in the gay direction when you say something they don't understand. And the media uses that. Like Will & Grace, exactly! I don't like gay pride-stuff anymore because it only makes us more of an outcast. The media portrays the boys in the tight shorts with their butts hanging out which let the 75% of morons we have here in this country believe I do exactly the same thing in my spare time.

It's the ego. They don't know better. Of course all gay men suffer, they just don't want someone to come out of it as some hero (or whatever negative thing they want to make of it). Someone who changed things. If there should be a gay man changing things for the better it's the man himself. It's the nastiest habit of human beings: receiving for the self... alone... or at least make sure no one else gets it. The gay men want a lot but aren't helping themselves a lot... They see what you are that they're not. It's standing still. No process. No growth. Just looking in envy. So sad.
 

You have done so much as a talent in your work. As long as you allow yourself to grow others can grow with you. The comparison with Hollywood might even show you all of the possibilities there you didn't think you had!
 

282)
Hey, I would like to thank you very much for your great Self Portrait! I really loved it a lot! Interesting and no boring pieces! Btw I think that being gay here in Holland is a lot easier than over there. That is something that was made very clear by this "Self Portrait" :-) I am 24 and live together with my boyfriend. All the people around us act normal and being cool about it. Neighbors, friends, family etc. But then again I hope you are much happier now then a long time ago ;-). Hope to see a lot more of you! Again, thanks a lot. Lots of good luck to you!

283)
Sup Man, I got home from the job and I got your DVD in the mail...I really looked at your autobiography and I was straight up glad I hit you up. I learned a whole lot from watching this. And while I have plenty of questions to ask bruh...the only thing I can say fa sho (dirty south talk) is do your thang man! The one constant thing that I saw in this was you were true to being you because you had a great support base and you were (and still are) constantly evolving yourself. That's what makes this shit tite bruh. And that is what makes life worth livin!!! But, hit me up sometimes man...I like your style and whole vibe...Take care and peace. P.S. You should have shot Eminem about 2 mo times...lol !!!! And I'm watching your second DVD now...This was your calling like architecture was mine and it shows in the work you do.

284)
Hello Regan, Thank you ever so much for the 2 DVD's you sent me, I finally got them yesterday and opened it with anticipation! It is a sigh of relief to see, hear & feel that there is someone out there who talks about their personal life and records only to share it with other people. I am very much a private person when it comes to my sexuality but I think I am that way because I just love keeping people in suspense. Kind of like the element of surprise!

It is great to hear what many do not have the balls to come out and say that hate is being used against many, many people. As you mentioned that faggot (and many other hurtful words) is such a lose term that people seem to use on a every day basis. Not knowing that it inflicts great pain and at times fear. People just don't care and cannot accept responsibility for their own actions. I've come to realize that why do people put so much energy & meaning to these words. I've decided not to give an ounce of my energy to these hurtful words and those words mean NOTHING to me. Just like when we are all labeled "Minority" as well. Whoever was sitting on their high throne and felt better than us to call us of a lesser name. We are all part of the majority, the Human Race!

Being Latino adds a few more to the mix just by being me. Being gay does not sit well with the Latin community and unfortunately many parents do not talk about it. Basically if it's taboo then you don't talk about it. I came out to my Mother for almost 10 years and I was a wreck. But in doing so a tremendous weight came off my shoulders along with the burden of the "What If's" will she still love me, will I upset her to the point were she gets sick, will she not want anything to do with me. I am blessed to say that she does love me. Accepting it is still in the works as well as having communication with my Mom. Sometimes I feel like I can't talk to her without erupting into a fit. I'm working on it... My Dad died almost 13 years ago next month and I did not come out to him. Because of my childhood memory experience I had with him I felt I could not have his understanding. In my early teen years I was outside playing with the neighborhood kids and there was this teenage boy that came up to the apartment I lived in. We sat on the lower bunk bed and layed down next to each other. I lifted his shirt ever so slightly and caressed his stomach. My Mom was sitting outside on the front steps of another house (about 5 houses down) and saw that I had gone inside with this other boy. She followed us and went upstairs to the apartment. As she slowly turned around the corner to my room she saw us both on the bed. Neither one of us were fully exposed, just the boys shirt that I had lifted to feel him up. With that she said "What are you doing!", I quickly responded "Nothing" and left the apartment. The other guy was so calm about it and we both went back outside. I had planned to stay outside as long as possible thinking what to do. My Dad came home shortly after that and went upstairs. After some time my Dad stuck his head out the kitchen window and called me to come inside. I was cringing of what he was going to say to me. I went upstairs and he said in a calm voice, "I want to talk to you, let's go downstairs and sit by the stairs". At that time I wanted the Earth to open wide and swallow me whole. He said that if I was having sensations to be with someone he could take me to take care of this. Confused of his offer I didn't understand until he said he could take me with a GIRL to care of "it". I felt so offended, didn't my Mom see me with a boy? I wanted a boy! Ever since then I felt I could not convince my Mom & Dad with who I am. Especially my Dad!! To this date my Mom and I do not fully talk about me being Gay. She has met my previous boyfriends and has been kind to them. But didn't say anything about how are things going with so & so.

Pumping Velvet has put me to think of many issues I am dealing with and connect with you as if I had known you for long time. I was so glad to see that you had recordings of yourself from way back in the beginning. You were a handsome little fellow, no wonder all those bullies picked on you. You are truly a success story surviving your childhood and although your Uncle did not live to help you through it in person I know he never left your side. And your sister, Roz, she was here to grace her presence for a short time but that was enough to give you strength and most importantly unconditional love from her. Although I have lost my Dad, Uncle, Cousin, Friends and recently my Grandmother I remember them dearly with all my love. They can't talk back to me but I can feel them inside of me. I know that I will see them again but hopefully not for a long time!!!! I want to continue meeting people of all walks of life and broaden my experiences and I am glad that I met you along the way!

Again, thank you for giving me inspiration with your story and I hope I have giving you a little bit back. The second DVD with your edit mixes is simply awesome. I didn't know George Michael was that thin before nor did I know he had this video out there, now I do. I also loved the way you did the time line for Madonna that kicked ass! I wish you the best and even though I've talked to you a couple of times know that you have another friend. Take Care Regan!

285)
Regan, Where to begin? Thanks for your DVD. It blows me away that you sent me a DVD. I loved it! My boyfriend and I watched it last night... Here's my flow of thoughts just coming off of it... I think that the reason you are successful and pulled through and became a success is because of talent, of course, and your IQ... I see a lot of kids that can't get through those ugly years of abuse homophobia and shit in general.

I've realized that there is a happiness that is deep inside of myself that has nothing to do with the straight or gay community... a set of values and goals that I strive for, maybe even subconsciously in SPITE of what straight ignorant assholes may think, or what queens want me to be, do, or think. I hope that makes sense. I just found the gay "brass rings" were pretty empty and the straight world didn't want me much, either, so I've done my own thing. That's what I saw of myself in your movie, moving towards life regardless, or in spite of, the rest of the world. Thanks again for the DVD. It means a lot. PS. I am blown away by your editing ability and finesse. It is the editing in my opinion that makes the video... you have a gift.

286)
You know, speaking for gay people is really cool. But if there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that people (gay or straight) don't want to be told anything. They want to be inspired. Of course they don't really know that, but they do. They want to have the feeling it's their choice. If it's not, they rather go with the flow. Speaking through movies is great, that inspires. You inspired me with Pumping Velvet. I noticed I was too laid back for a long time. Recently I had a sex-conversation at work with some colleagues I really dig. I didn't even get into details, until one female colleague responded: "I don't want to hear about that, bleh" while she had just thrown her body parts all over the place. I immediately repeated your words: 'No matter how much they love you (which she does), they're always grossed out'. She then stopped laughing and apologized. 

She said: "Wow, I even discriminate and hurt your feelings without even knowing".

So yes, people will realize a lot when you show them. Of course they will. And you do it in the most beautiful way. The only one who can change anything in your life is you!

287)
Regan, Nicely Done!!! You have a new avid admirer... I can truly relate on level of philosophy. As for your dedication? Inspirational, with all sincerity. If you want to make a friend here in Dallas, (Truly) ' the olive branch' is offered.

288)
Your video, on top of other big issues, has left a dent in my relationship with my dumb ass boyfriend (sigh) I think he has issues with me e-mailing you and the fact that you're gay etc... SO FUCKING SILLY I could scream... he has been a moody bitch and I just can't handle it any more. Drama drama everywhere. Rock on. Ah, fuck it. Fuck him! People are threatened by anything outside the norm... all the time... it seems to be human nature. My boyfriend is overweight and very vain and we pop in a video featuring your Hollywood-ness and I think it put him in a bit of a spin... all based on his own insecurities, nothing based on reality.

FUCK WHAT JEALOUS FAGS SAY. I think greatness and individuality is a formula for loneliness. On a much different scale, I relate, because I stay out of fag life drama, work hard, and have a life above and beyond gay bars... I think I am seen as a snob and a prude (none true) and am misunderstood. I have a broad base of friends, straight and gay, from all different economic backgrounds, races, class etc. There is no way I could rely on the gay community to keep me sane for a myriad of reasons. Plus it's just too boring. I choose to be by myself rather than be around others who aren't accepting.

"Here is the true meaning and value of compassion and nonviolence, when it helps us to see the enemy's point of view, to hear his questions, to know his assessment of ourselves. For from his view we may indeed see the basic weakness of our own condition, and if we are mature, we may learn and grow and profit from the wisdom of the brothers who are called the opposition." MLK JR NYC 1967

289)
Regan, Can't thank you enough for sending your video...not at all what I expected...but you're right... I "totally loved it"! Like a good book, I just couldn't put it down. You touched so many chords in my own life...undoubtedly in the lives of many others who've seen it, too. Having the ability and the where-with-all to give that kind of expression to your life's journey must have been so fulfilling for you... and maybe even more importantly, cathartic. And you did it creatively, artistically and poetically...you are amazingly talented!

290)
Hey there, I have just finished reading through your website and I have to say, I love your philosophy. Not many gay people - male or female- have the guts to stand up and say I'm gay, I like to fuck and I'm proud of it. So thank you very much!

291)
Hey Regan, You're movie was cool! I like your bodybuilding and when you shot Eminem. We had an x-box party at work last week and I put your demo DVD on and it rocked. Thanks for the DVD's!

292)
Dear Mr. Ford: I wanted to write you a letter after seeing your film at the Utah State University Pridefest! I have served as the President of USU Pride Alliance for 2 years and I've helped run the USU Gay and Lesbian Film Festival for three years now and I have never seen a film that is so embattled with passion and as personal as "Pumping Velvet." Your piece of art made me want to cheer and made me angry and the closure I received from the film is the understanding that you probably don't give a shit what I think.

I want to say thank you. Thank you for not being apologetic for your sexuality, your lifestyle, and your life. Living in Utah and working on GLBT issues is difficult because of the nasty need to be politically correct and the constant need to please those who hate them. Self-loathing faggot syndrome is a symptom of wanting to be accepted. I think your film needs to be seen by the masses it think it can cure the politically correct fag and allow people to become angry. I don't think that the gay community will make any social or political advances until we stop being diplomatic and start getting pissed off. Your portrait showed an unapologetic and unafraid faggot and sexual being.

I must admit that the way you answer hate with equal hate made me squirm. Watching your depiction of shooting Eminem in the head, at best made me uncomfortable. Your use of drugs and steroids also difficult for me. "These images don't represent gay life, these images don't represent my gay life." I couldn't comprehend why a person who has had professional and personal success in everything he has approached in life would want to use substance abuse to represent them. You definitely didn't look like the kind of Drug user Nancy Reagan warned me about. But then again, you are definitely not the kind of fag that the heterosexuals warned me about. You were as unapologetic about your drug use as you were about your sexuality.

Thanks again for allowing us to bring your film to Utah State. I have graduated now, I'm looking for a job and I don't know where I'll be in the coming months. But I hope to take some of your unapologetic attitude with me.

"Burst down those closet doors once and for all, stand up and start to fight!"
-Harvey Milk

293)
Hi! Congratulations on the making of your film... What does it take to get a copy? I really think that you're on target with what you have done. Secretly I have yearned to do what you have done but never did!

294)
Regan, Very excited about the DVD and cant agree with you more on the statements you make and the stand you take on issues. Thanks again for being such a HOT rep for gay men.

295)
I found your website through Bigmuscle.com and I am think you have some great ideas and things to say. I feel my experience is similar to yours and I really want to get into Bodybuilding, so you're a bit of a role model for me.

296)
So, I am in shock and lividly pissed. I need to retract my previous middle ground statements to you.
Last week, Craig, my boyfriend of six or seven months, tells me that his dad "hates me" and the thought of Craig and I spending a weekend in Portland together (in the same hotel room) made him literally throw up. I have spent all the major holidays with these people and they know I have my shit together. He hates that I am a boyfriend, not me personally. So, I sat on that info for a week, kind of in shock. Friday night I brought up these issues with Craig again. Craig has just simply melted into the "no boyfriends around is ok zone" with apparently no problem (that pisses me off the most). I am no longer invited to his mom's birthday party and Craig is ok with that because his dad "just isn't ready yet". So, in front of my house (hi neighbors!) I let him have it. I told him his parents are "fucking him in the ass" and that he is a coward for not at least discussing things with his folks. "What good would it do, he's not ready'. My response is is that their love appears conditional and they are fucked up. I told him to tell them to FUCK OFF personally from me, and that I was not willing to be his ghost boyfriend. I expressed that he should go back to tricking and clubbing and having one night stands, because he is apparently not ready to have a loving relationship (plus, his parents support him at times financially.) His parents are shaming him into altering his life and he just rolls over like a submissive dog. Me, Mr. middle ground, cannot put up with homophobia like this. I am positive my relationship with Mr. chicken shit is done. I told Craig that he is going to wind up living with his folks in an old folks home... I can't believe his total lack of balls. So, I now understand you blowing Eminem away. Go figure.

297)
You are VERY sexy, but more importantly, you're REAL and your opinions are on point. Everyone who watched your documentary was like Damn! My boy who's str8, and a bit homophobic was bugging when we got to the bodybuilding section (he's also a bodybuilder), he never imagined a gay men doing that. So thank u for opening his mind more, as I'm also trying to as well.

298)
YOU'RE A LEGEND!

299)
I saw your DVD, and I really enjoyed watching it. It was very interesting to get an impression of your life.
Good luck with the rest of your work and hopefully you find 'true' love soon!

300)
I have been desperately trying to find a way to get a hold of some of your work. You are extremely interesting to me and I would love a copy of something. I think you are crazy talented!! My best friend Jordon just moved to Miami, FL in January. He works at Oribe's new salon on Lincoln Road. I was hanging out with Jordon and the co-owner of the salon, Zaky Amin, at Zaky's crib one night in March of this year. He showed me a DVD you gave to him and Oribe and I was in shock. I had a natural high watching and listening. It was a bunch of clips from music videos and celebrities with techno music as the narrator. It was AWESOME!

301)
I have a friend who had loaned me a copy of your film and I have to say I was totally blown away!!! I truly "got it" and my lover and I really loved it. I'm a white top 44, 6'5" 210 and my lover is black btm
52 6'5" 220 10" cut very thick so I REALLY ENJOYED seeing all the black cock!

302)
Ok- I can tell you already, I keep going back to your website. It's funny. In "traditional" terms... it wouldn't seem evident that there would be such a parallel between us- our struggles, our lives in general. Yet I feel like your website speaks to me- and it reaches something very real and very familiar. I suppose that familiarity is truth. There is something that maybe connects people- no matter what their story is...truth...cause it just smells like something you know. Our experiences shape us. But most people just blindly bumble through their lives experiencing whatever happens to fall at their feet. I think that there are very few people who look into their lives and make conscious, deliberate choices about the direction they are heading- and the person who they are becoming. Your person, who you are today, seems to be of your design. That is extraordinary. BRAVO! I mean, how many people can say that? People tend to be a product of their environment and the people around them... they don't realize that they can change or recreate their environment. I really admire your direction and discipline. I only hope that I too can envision and then create the life that I am really meant to live. I do think that we each have something inside that we need to cultivate and unleash...just sad that so many people don't...and I think that they fear those who do. Seeing someone who is so "free" in that way, makes them feel uncomfortable in their own skin- they feel themselves prisoners, I believe.

303)
Hi... I just wanted to say hi and that I enjoyed reading about your biography on your website. As such I would like to request a copy of your DVD.

I originally decided I would let you know what I thought of your movie after I had a chance to think about it overnight. Nevertheless, I feel you deserve (and I cannot sleep tonight without at least sharing) some of my initial reactions. I do not think any were listed on your disclaimer. Disturbing -- While I knew most of the images and stories cited well enough, over time I have had time to digest them individually. The collection of discrimination and hatred presented in such a compressed fashion overwhelmed me. In addition to the collective hatred, each of us has had to bear our own painful experiences. Insightful -- You mentioned your consequence of never being able to discuss sex with our friends; they do not want to hear about it. I have seen the consequence in my life, but never the source. I am not a stupid person (a man without wisdom), but that single statement told me something I have never understood. Captivating (ok a V word would have fit in perfectly here, but hey, I have to sleep. Also, the others were more or less random) -- When I finished watching, I wished for more. I could not believe the credits were already running. I was promised over 90 minutes, but when it was over, I felt as if it had just begun. Amazing -- What you have been through and grew up with is unforgivable (and unfortunately common). What you have achieved is unbelievable (except that it is true). I thank you for sharing this film with me. Because it was so compact, I have not quite figured out exactly what I think of it. Still, you deserve to know my first impressions. Because it is so complex, it will take me time to begin to see the facets much less understand them. I hope you will find all you desire. You deserve it and so much more.

304)
I would like to thank you for sharing your movie with me. I still hold many of my initial impressions. I continue to find much of it disturbing. I have found my life easier by not holding the images presented together. I do think that many of us have faced the same obstacles. How we deal with them tells a great deal about the person. I have walked a different path than you have. Part of it involved forgetting much of the past. You have reminded me of it, and explained why I do some of the things I do. This is useful and necessary. I truly hope you find what you desire and deserve. As an autobiographical film, it would not be finished. Some would say it has just started, for there is still so much time left for you.

305)
"Everybody wants to leave something behind them, some impression, some mark upon the world. Then you think you've left a mark on the world if you just get through it and a few people remember your name... then you've left a mark. You don't have to bend the whole world. I think it is better to just enjoy it, pay your dues and enjoy it. If you shoot an arrow and it goes real high, hurray for you".

Dorian Corey, Paris is Burning (1990)

"Go then, sad youth, and shine! Go, sacrifice to fame"
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Regan Ford's film Pumping Velvet (2004) is a 'self-portrait' of a man who is an editor, a bodybuilder, and, more importantly, gay. In its wider context it is a film about being gay in America, the invention of self, and the desire to be famous. It is in no way a conventional film, very much like the auteur that created it.

Ford himself categorized this film as a self-portrait, so in that sense we know that it is a documentary designed to capture the life and essence of its central star. It has a sometimes sprawling, digressive form that is not unlike a journal - snippets of life in terse prose, photographs, anecdotes, pieces of scrawled over loose paper and doodles in margins. In the same way, this film incorporates 'animation, narrative and fantasy sequences, erotic and pornographic images, home movies, film and television clips, Internet downloads music videos and news bites'. It is a multimedia piece, a collage of sorts, and is entirely appropriate for the telling of Ford's particular life story.

Stylistically, it is a clear derivative of 'In Bed with Madonna' (Ford is a huge fan - more on this later); the black and white interview set-up, the high color montage performances, the same self-celebratory theme, and the same provocative content to shock and outrage the middle American masses. He has the same size ego and the same propensity to talk about himself as Madonna, and I think he would take that as compliment.

This film, I think, concerns itself less with being a veracious, straight-on self-portrait of a man and his own quotidian existence, and more with documenting how he has managed to invent himself into an icon - whether that is an icon in global terms, or more of a legend in his own living room - remains irrelevant. The film itself constructs an icon and explores the process of that construction and explicates the reasons why.

Why then pursue an iconic status? I think fame (or something that closely resembles it) is a natural affliction on a gay man's life. Ford tellingly informs us at one point: 'As a gay man you live entirely inside of your dreams, entirely inside of your fantasy of your life. You have to construct so much to exist'. I think this is very true. Being gay is like being famous. When you are out in public people have a propensity to stare at you with gazes like paparazzi lenses. Everything you do seems outlandish and outrageous. People have a great desire to gossip about your latest exploits as though they were living editions of Hello magazine. You have an exaggerated sense of self. You had a fractured, tortured childhood that instilled in you a need to prove those early critics/detractors wrong in adulthood. You have sycophantic (fag-hag) friends. You have a predilection for posing as though you were always being followed by a movie camera. You've always been singled out as something special, something other. And your leaning towards the dramatic is often unparalleled.

It is a common story for the 'gay male' to want to transform himself from the often mousy, shy, unsophisticated, gauche, ridiculous little duckling of a boy into the glamorous, over-the-top, larger-than-life, kaleidoscopic swan of a man. Whether that is dressing provocatively like a hoochie woman, dancing on a podium like a superstar in a nightclub to a gay anthem, donning drag, being camp, being a queeny bitch or buffing up into a Herb Rittsian Adonis or being rich and famous, gay men covet transformation and reinvention more than any other social group. It is almost as though they are predisposed to become a butterfly because the caterpillar was so berated and vilified.

Ford's story of childhood is a very familiar one. He says: 'I was persecuted for being gay ten years before I would actually have sex with a man'. His peers at school would ridicule him daily with fear-mongering labels like 'queer' and 'faggot'. A manifestation of the feminine in him (which should be encouraged in 'all' men, not despised in a few) meant that he was different, other; he deviated from the norm. What I thought was most interesting about this was not the fact that Ford was a gay child, but the fact that these children had come across these words and knew how to apply them. Where were they learning these terms? Their parents? Their siblings? Their teachers? The media? And how could they understand what being gay meant before they even understood what it is to have sex, before they even had a full working knowledge of their own heterosexuality to make a comparison?

This persecution rose to 'disruptive' levels in the classroom, so the immediate and obvious solution on behalf of the teacher was to set up a desk at the back of the class, around which an empty refrigerator box was placed, and the word isolation written on it in red marker-pen. The young Ford was placed inside, and his work was passed down to him at the start of each day. This, to me, seems criminal. To remove a child from his peers in such a way - when he is already being alienated by the fact that he is 'different' from the other children - seems an ill judged way to tackle the problem. The teacher should have better controlled their class and reprimanded any child who engaged in verbal abuse, by which they would still be maintaining the integration that was important to not just Ford but to the other children as well. The message clearly given was that if someone is not within a certain template, they should be removed.

I highlight this point especially because I think this act was crucial to his development. To be treated in such a way instills a sense that one is exceptional, one is wholly outside the traditional boundaries of human identity; one is deviant and other. By this act he seemed predetermined to become the person he is. Being called 'queer' and 'faggot' not only cemented this notion of being exceptional, it also nurtured him at a time when he didn't even know what 'gay' meant to fulfill his peer's claims in his adult life. '[My sexuality] became larger than myself. It became something that I had to live up to'.

Also telling is a small animation sequence of Ford daydreaming whilst in the isolation box, imagining himself dancing with John Travolta and Olivia Newton John. It indicates his propensity to live in a fantasy world. Gay men often have a more developed imagination than most people (for evidence look back in history at all those iconic figures who rose to excellence and were gay males - from Caesar to Cole Porter) and in many ways they construct their own 'fantasy' reality, usually because of the desperate circumstances of their 'actual' reality.

This readiness to daydream transformed into a more accessible fantasy, and - in a typically twentieth-century way - became a preoccupation (or obsession) with pop icons. Ford is a self-confessed fan of Madonna and Janet Jackson to the point of fanaticism. His collection of Madonna paraphernalia is astounding. In one segment in the film, you see a visual archive of everything he has collected over the years spliced with footage in a dizzying chronology that flashes past the eye and in a few brief minutes gives Madonna's entire history to date. Ford also used to watch Janet Jackson videos over and over again to learn the dance moves, until he would recreate them in front of his camera. Thus, his camera became his imaginative eye and the films he made his new reality.

Gay men love divas and pop icons; they are almost like fodder for the fantasy worlds they invent within themselves, a world in which they too are as famous as Madonna and are equally adored by the world. When a child does not feel accepted or does not receive the kind of acceptance needed amongst his peers, in adulthood he becomes the opposite and wants to be acknowledged, demands to be listened to and is insistent upon receiving global adoration/recognition. As Ford readily admits in his film with a sigh; 'I'll never be cheered for by the world in the way I most dream of, the way I most deserve. Not in my lifetime'. It is easier to understand that gay male teenagers' obsessions are less to do with the person they are idolizing, and more to do with idolization and the process of how to best be on the receiving end of it.

So these factors - a heightened imagination and predisposition to live in fantasy realms, the desire to be centre of attention, the desire for idolization and the effect of being ostracized by society from a young age - all contribute to the size of the ego. Gay men's egos tend to be huge - redefining the term size-queen.

Ford's story stays on a familiar path - the boy leaves school and goes to College. There he can come out and be accepted, be around likeminded individuals. It is a time for personal growth. However, things don't go so straightforwardly for him. Finding love and losing it proved to be a crippling experience. He became addicted to ecstasy and crystal. This particular path is shot with footage from his College days where we get a taste of the man he is to become. He is already looking edgier and taking on his tried and tested personae.

After landing jobs in the media, Ford moved into editing music videos, and bodybuilding. These preoccupations fulfill two subconscious desires in his psyche. The first is the realization that he will not be the huge pop icon that he fantasized about being in his youth, and so by editing videos for pop icons (a skill he is adept at) this becomes his compromise. He gets to be in that world without being the centre of it. The second is concerned with the caterpillar entering the chrysalis and emerging as butterfly. Whether he has issues with his body image or he has fallen prone to this male inversion of anorexia I cannot say. But by engaging in bodybuilding he is fulfilling the gay destiny of the body beautiful and the need for reinventing the self. As Truman Capote is quoted here; 'All any artist has is the truth of their life'. Like Madonna, Ford takes his own body and presents this as his piece of art.

The centerpiece of the film is the sequence which illustrates the caterpillar to butterfly transformation. It opens with a weightier, raw-looking Ford who looks like he's been out of the weightlifting scene for a while. We see him making himself a protein shake with vomit-inducing amounts of egg white, and a Creatine drink. We then see what appear to be steroid injections in the cheeks of his backside. We move on to a shot of him 'pumping' iron in his local gym turning that accumulated fat back into muscle. Over this his voiceover is listing the myriad labels of gay personae as though he is trying to decide which one he wants to be/best fits.

Whilst he is in the shower, he is suddenly transformed from this shorthaired, rotund everyman into a latter day Greek Adonis. His body is sharply honed into solid muscle. It is now festooned with tattoos, one of which is etched across his stomach with the words PHAG LIFE. His hair has grown, and is now dark chocolate and curly.

To Grieg's Peer Gynt Suite the drugs and paraphernalia to enhance his body flash across our screens in an unnerving montage; testosterone tablets, egg whites, filet mignon, Creatine, amino acids, multi-vitamins, insulin and essential fatty acids to name but a few - all of the accoutrement of muscle making. An anonymous voiceover claims; 'You are going to be a star out there'.

Again we shift, and now see Ford in Gaultier sunglasses, his hard and honed body like a bull, his dark hair in tendrils over his face as he pumps more iron and flexes his muscles like a preening peacock. Finally - his backcombed hair is braided into tight corn-roll braids. Thus we are greeted with an entirely new Ford, the transformation complete. He barely resembles the man he once was. As if to emphasize this, a shot of his young self parades across the screen in a clown's outfit. He sticks his tongue out cheekily to the camera and giggles. They appear as if completely unrelated.

We are then presented with the two archetypes Ford wishes to fulfill. We watch him competing in a Muscleman contest. Every muscle of his perfectly honed armour is flexed. He is so tan he looks like a bronze statue. Here he presents us with his ultimate 'physical' self, and the footage is like preservation. It is his monument to reinvention.

Then, the second archetype is presented. A sort of 'music video/performance sequence' of Ford flashes before our eyes as he becomes (for a brief time) the pop icon that he always wanted to be. As he snorts a couple of lines of coke, a voiceover announces 'I am legendary, you are not'. Ford dances and mimes to various eighties/nineties classics that have been remixed and revved up as befits the millennium dance style. He gives us his all in the ultimate 'on-a-podium-in-a-nightclub-in-front-of-hundreds-of adoring-gay-men' fantasy. Carefully edited and indulgently shot, you get the feeling that this is the acme, the culmination of a life's work. This is his own piece of art, his last word, his fantasy fulfilled, his ticket for posterity.

That gives us the full arc to his narrative. I think the film would have benefited ending at that point. It would have closed the documentary nicely at the culmination of his reinventing process and given a clear sense of what Ford was trying to achieve. That's not to say that there aren't any good bits after this - there are plenty - but by doing this it would have shaved off twenty-five minutes and thus done Ford and audiences a favour.

Pumping Velvet is certainly audacious. It has been dismissed by some as being self-indulgent and a vanity project, but I think that somehow misses the point. Self-portraits tend to be about the subject alone, about them indulging themselves, trying to capture something of their essence whether that is real or fantastic. Certainly you felt at times he was ranting or indulging himself a little too much (in which his editorial skills would have come to use), but on the whole the film still raised valid and interesting points. I especially enjoyed the amount of film and television footage he has archived and used depicting homosexuality to validate his points. Clever editing and astute choices gave the documentary an element of film archive and it was interesting to see how stereotypes are still used, how homosexuality can be celebrated in all its variations, how the media can have an impact on notions of sexuality and the defining of one's own sexuality and how ugly and monstrous gay characters can sometimes be portrayed (the deviant, awry, marginalized killers are an especially interesting example).

As for Ford, what's next for him? He appears to have achieved what it is he set out to do. It seems he has decided upon his own limitations of character and used this film as a form of therapy and a way of accepting his own life. And yet, he hasn't pigeonholed himself either. Jean Baptiste Mondino noted with clarity: 'You're not a bodybuilder, you're not really gay, you're not really an editor... It's not enough and you still want to be something else... There's straight people and the gay people, but there is another gender - is you... I am afraid to say you are trapped. You have to become an icon'.

So he is to shuck off his childhood and his past selves and be the icon that he has created? And what is an icon? According to www.dictionary.com: 'An image; a representation; an important and enduring symbol; one who is the object of great attention and devotion'. One cannot help think that this film is the image, is the representation. It is as though he has stopped existing as a human and is now locked within the iconic portrayal of himself, 'trapped' then within it. Marilyn Manson sings at one point; 'When nobodies want to be somebody's'. Is he trying to tell us something about the nature of his invention? Due to copyright laws, this film is not available for retail sale.

306)
Dear Mr. Ford- I just found out about your excellent and profoundly inspiring, insightful website at MSS, sir- and wanted to thank you for sharing your consciousness-raising, deeply moving, eloquently and artfully expressive self-portrait. You are clearly a rare and remarkable man. Initially, I was fascinated by your bodybuilding success, as you are such a great motivator for me... but there's an infinitely more developed and dynamic spirit in the glorious temple of muscle you've sculpted, and you illuminate my Path in Life, not just my efforts in the gym, Regan. I'm grateful beyond measure, sir.

307)
Hey Regan- I'm not sure how my friend got a copy. She's in the cinematography area of things. All she said was, "You have to see this. It's amazing!" Did you submit it to Outfest? I checked the program and you're not in there. Don't tell me they rejected it--or are you just not down with their whole scene?

308)
Hey brotha, Just finished reading all that there is to read on your website and I think what you're doing is really awesome man. It's always so cool to hear someone else's story. I've also promised myself that I am going to make a movie, I didn't set a date but maybe that's the next step. I'm 20 years old and I'm dating a 45-year-old black man that lives 5 hours away. We talked for 2 years online before ever meeting face to face. It's my first relationship with a guy or a girl and all of my friends and family know about it and support it. There's so much more but I don't want to take any more of your time. My boyfriend actually owns a copy of your DVD and he made me watch part of it, once I started watching I was hooked so that's why I'm asking for a copy. The last thing I want to say is THANKS for what you're doing; it's a big step in the right direction. Enjoy your success. PS- I'd send you my panties if I had some

309)
Just read your site regarding your thoughts on self, society, people on other people etc. I appreciate your views, especially as they are very articulate for a man of your years; although I see you have had many experiences when I read your pro-resume.

310)
Hey Regan, I just watched your Pumping Velvet DVD, and the AVIDDIVA DVD. WOW! That was awesome. You've come a long way, and succeeded! That was inspiring.

311)
Hey Regan, I had a nice surprise waiting in my mailbox tonight... Your DVDs! I had just got back from shopping at COSTCO and popped the AVIDDIVA in and listened and watched as I put away my meat. It WILL BE my get ready to go out on Sat. night music! THANK-YOU SOOOOO MUCH!!! I will continue to pass on the info about your DVD. I hear you responded to my friend Mark who has a black lover. You are the BEST!

312)
Regan, Just finished the video. Thanks for sharing with me (and the world). Lots of emotions in there, and brought up some for me as well. My previous e-mail was very naive. You have accomplished A LOT in your few years on earth. Now the biggest challenge, find 'true' love. Buena suerte hijo,

313)
I just got back in town and looked through your DVD last night... very cool. You should subtitle it "Gay on Steroids." I want to watch it again and again! What a fucking beautiful bod you have!

314)
Just wanted to thank you for the DVDs. The first one's a great piece of art and the second... rocks! Keep up the good work,

315)
Hi, I received your DVD on Friday. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!!! I've watched 2 times already. YOU ARE AWESOME!!! And so VERY VERY TALENTED!!! THANK YOU for being YOU!

316)
Thanks for your video, Regan. I watched it last night and immediately understand why Joey urged me to ask you for it. Growing up as a gay man in Iowa, I've lacked any gay role models that I can actually hold up as being something I want to become. So, instead, I've lived in a fantasy world for many years.
 

As I've grown older, I've escaped Iowa some and started to find different "types of gay" to try on for size...more for entertainment purposes and the pure experience rather than actual identification with the various sub-cultures. In very recent times, I've actually met a few people that I do identify with and can hold up as role models (however definitely not in Iowa).
 

Although being gay can be a "cross to bear," I wouldn't have it any other way. Being the lowest on the Totem pole means that there's no need to maintain some kind of standard -- so I can feel free to be exactly who I am at all times. I have nothing to prove...to anyone.
 

Of course, sometimes it's nice to have standards...to have expectations to live up to. Otherwise, we stagnate since there's no standard to strive to achieve. That is what I've started to do...I'm running around in circles sampling and testing out things, but not climbing forward.
 

I don't know what you intended the message to be from your video, and quite honestly I don't care. What I gleaned from it is I saw a man that I could identify with on some levels that said -- fuck it, I don't care what you think, but I do care what I think. I've forgotten the important piece of caring what I think about myself. I've just let myself become a boy that floats around and has no direction. I need to figure out how to integrate all my diverse experiences and build them up into a progressively stronger collection (like the line in your video, "Gay, Editor, Bodybuilder, Icon").
 

Thanks again for your hard work on your production and being so open and honest.

317)
Hey there Regan how's things? I want to say I got your DVD and was taken aback by it... Well done! I truly enjoyed it!

318)
I think that your film might help me explore more of who I am. I am somewhat older than you (guessing from your picture). I am now 42 and have only started to come out and that for the third time. I had a girl friend for almost 10 years, but in the end I realized that I preferred men.

319)
Holy shit! I just watched everything. I really don't know where to start.

320)
Hey Regan - I just looked at your website. You're a bright, articulate man, and I greatly appreciate your perspective. I came out in my early 30's after being so deep in the closet, I didn't even know it had a door! Thanks again for your site.

321)
Dear Regan, I was very touched by your film, as I have heard a great deal of buzz during outfest. I would love to have a copy of my own to share your experiences and courage with those I hold dear to my heart. With respect!

322)
Hello, I've just received the DVD's and would like to thank you VERY MUCH! :) The film is amazing, I love the film footages you used, the montages are amazing! And, of course, the Madonna remix videos are great, too! In case you ever come around Hungary, please let me know, so I can thank you in person.

323)
Regan, Went to your website... one of the best and most intelligent descriptions I've read about the "life" and times and written by a man who could easily just suck up other's power for his own ego. I lived thru the 60s-70s-80s-90s ,with varying stages of consciousness about the many paths and choices and looming dead ends. The horrible self-hating gay lifestyle teeming with separation, abuse and numbness, the media jokes, the societal crumbs tossed. The partners I've found all trying to find their space, while working out ours, together somehow.... while the bathhouses each decade brimmed with lonely men seeking any form of touch to replace a greater one so illusive. I found my own way as if I were treading a minefield/mindfield, but discovered ultimately that every soul walks that whether they are conscious of it or not. Most just numb themselves with some addiction. Or die unconscious and in fear. I found my own power, and need no one's approval. If there is an alpha around, it's going to be me, or shared. But "gay " men still have a long way to go as long as gay children still face horrendous monstrous examples, trapdoors, psychological dungeons, taunting self images, exterior torments and ignorant parents, that straight kids never will face. Role models are required that inspire and lead and fight for light. Most minorities at least have families to lean on for support, and are of the same faith or color, and have histories full of role models. They aren't spiritually disemboweled for just "being", for instance. I applaud you that you have built a beautiful exterior, as well as an interior place as rich and splendid. Go warrior go. You inspired me also Regan, so I had to let you know that there are others out here who have a grip, perhaps not a tight one, but still trying and fighting the good fight. Never much liked the "herd" after I came out (it just wasn't me and I couldn't force myself any easier into the new "herd" as I could find a place in the old one). So I finally learned to straddle my own way, a middle path that didn't require validation from straight or gay worlds. That can be very disconnecting and lonely, but its the steel in the spirit too, once you see, you can't be blind again. And there are others and always have been of course, who find passage without buying into the BS. And nearly everyone I have met in life, is trying to find a way also. Most won't talk about it. It is terrifying in many aspects. The cultural way, the corporate way, the media way are nearly all one now, and impossible for anyone to attain. It is hollow if you do get there. And those that do won't speak out, what is there left for them? So we have "the emperor's clothing" scenario. I finally realized lately that so many are in total fear, an entire planet terrorized long before 9/11, for living ain't easy. And never was. But it is masked by product addictions and lifestyle addictions and escape is the way most find their way it seems. Once you realize Life's brevity, once you pass 40 or 45, you understand what's ahead, what was behind, and what is it about? If you're lucky, you are not one who has an illness yet. Gay issues deny anything but cockrings, and porn stars, bar deals, HIV and marrying rights. There is so much more to living, so much more to cherish and discover. Gay media moguls have demeaned the freedoms we have worked for and found, for promiscuity is NOT sexual freedom. It is another addiction, another escape. If you are lucky you find some spiritual direction that doesn't deny your sexuality and your right to be here. Instead of shame, one can find glory and passion and honor. But the media has us all desiring to jet set to enviro sexy shores, living large and in charge spending our time working, working to buy toys, to keep it all afloat. And to be beautiful. Our souls rot as we tan and lift weights, gay men and women lost trying to emulate or regurgitate their way out of early boundaries and morality... Our children, gay and straight, lost in entitlement values, adrift it seems, doing drugs to beat the band. You seemed to me to be new type of "gay" man, physically powerful, beautiful and knowing that alone is not going to salve what needs healing in our world. The wounds are deep, and it takes a wise spiritual warrior of sorts to help lead and re direct, to question, to piss off, to live out loud and vibrate it up a notch for others to witness. And we honor beauty, and masculinity, its visceral...and you are gifted to have those. I would be honored to see your video. I am flattered that you responded in such a decent and kind way. I am glad that I contributed to your happiness in any way also. Our paths have crossed for some reason; maybe we can help each other. Hang in there, there are changes going on everywhere, and we can contribute.

324)
Hello, I am in the USC summer music video class you came and spoke at a week or so ago and I loved your work. I read the Pumping Velvet site and found it amazing. I would love a copy of the DVD. And I must say I completely agree that those who have never edited linear will never be as good! Thanks!

325)
I heard about your film from two different people last week. It seems the planets want me to see your film.

326)
I've been meaning to write you for some time now to let you know how impressed I am with your DVD. I think that I may have written you a brief note after I received it but don't think that I really elaborated on how well done, eye opening and inspiration it is! You must be very proud of this work and your life and I thank you for sharing it. I think what reminded me that I should write you is the fact that I am once again working on the decor for the Rapture party weekend.

327)
I really read every word on your website. I have great appreciation for your work and efforts. You give me the inspiration to continue my love for music and film, gay or mainstream, not to mention to hit the gym. Thanks for being everything that you are.

328)
Regan, I just received your movie and have watched the first hour... FANTASTIC bro! The only reason I am not finishing now is because I have to go to work but I can't wait to get home and finish this masterpiece! I have laughed, cried, etc. and I'm not even finished, huh? Go figure! Thank you my friend and I will make it my business to just happen to have your film playing when my friends visit bro... I hope you do not mind! My best!

329)
I looked on your website and read the disclaimer, you seem to have had an interesting life. The main focus on it was because I read some of the reviews and some people are a bit harsh to say the least. It makes me laugh that journalists do a job where they can express themselves through words no problem, yet they can't get there heads around other ways that people express themselves. I think it's a clever thing to do. Keep it up lad.

330)
Hi! I just wanted to let you know I watched your documentary and I thought it was really good! It made me see gay people in a different light, and your life story is a very interesting one! You should go on Oprah! Best of luck to you!

331)
Regan, INCREDIBLE! I would so date you but I'm here in Atlanta man. I really LOVED your movie. Yes, I am African American and your movie was FANTASTIC! I just finished it and was very impressed buddy and I am a tough critic! LOL! Thank you for sharing!

332)
Regan, Just finished video. Speechless myself, as you said I would be. Well, it WAS art. Is art. I hope to be more lucid and loquacious later when I write more, need to let this viewing sink in. This letter will not be critical of the work as you asked. That would be inappropriate right now. You bared a ripped and shredded soul born from your young life, a boy's journey, a man's search for meaning, in a personal, vulnerable angry and reaching assault of imagery... all your own, but it touches many of us and describes many of us. It tormented and exploded. It gave no port in the storm, it took no prisoners... it bludgeoned, but it may take that for us to gain freedom. The first step is all-internal though, or it remains bludgeoning, and that will just meet like force. First reaction is that it was powerful, disturbing, beautiful. I cried, I related, I didn't relate, I felt anger and rage, I was uncomfortable, I wanted to hold you, I wanted to be held by my own as yet undiscovered "savior "... that someone somewhere who loves you irregardless no matter what... and sticks up for you no matter what... Who protects you from the "wolves" who seem to run things. But, I also know that few people anywhere find that anyway. They just accept what is, or what "was", and the culture reinforces their enslavement also. Even their partners. "Just keep buying and holding up the placards of the society and the powers that be will allow you to dream on in your addictive slumbers "Cause the rich white straight guys are making money and sucking power from the disempowered. But remember Regan, the rich white straight guys live in their own cages also. And it takes antagonist and protagonist to make this play... and there may be other ways ultimately also. While watching your movie, I wanted to save you, I wanted to fast forward (I have a hard time watching tortured violence for some reason), I wanted to rewind, I wanted to save myself, I wanted to show this to every motherfucker on this planet now, I wanted to talk, compare, share. Commune. I wanted to declare war. On both gays and straights. I wanted to talk to your mom. ;) I wanted to know your sister. I wanted to have sex with you. Lord when you are in shape, you define icon buddy. And you can work it very well. ha ha! I wanted to shake you. I wanted my family to sit and watch it in slow motion. Those who are free themselves, don't discriminate, have tolerance, show love. The rest who haven't received enlightenment of any sort, are still self-flagellating monkeys caught up in their own illusions. And perceptions. Some very powerful monkeys, like Eminem. Your movie is a bomb, and it needs to shown. Well done Regan. You shot an arrow into the air, way far. (Great ending with the tired drag queen, dramatic, iconically gay, but nailed it... however, I wonder why, the gay community identifies with sad, strong tormented women because? ...Another dialogue) And, I guess my thought is that while I am not a West Hollywood or Chelsea type of man, never was, and never saw either as a path that could give me what I needed, we ALL have to be warriors...standing up, shredding the horrendous stereotypes that we ourselves keep weaving for ourselves and expect from each other, and clothe ourselves within (although I personally avoid those types of behaviors as they never seemed to fit me any more than "acting" our a straight role). Those stereotypes are demeaning, whether it is leather or lace or fags. I have never been comfortable around the gay community because it reinforces victimhood and powerlessness, and replaces it with 100 % unrequited fetish and promiscuity. At my age it is boring, and it was boring early on also... the fact that we have allowed our own gay media to reinforce it is WAY WAY boring and self damaging. The "gay cultures " do not seek awareness, but just a continuous physical release. That is fine, and that is a great way for all men to escape or purge. It helps you find the butt chakra, and keeps you there... well, there are plenty of other chakras to discover. Time to find em. We are men, and we are women. If we fetish it out, we pay consequences just like anyone else. Should your desire to fetish it out, bodybuilding or tatoos/piercings, or drugs, or ball gowns. ...or corporate CEOs with cigars and BMWs, or docents and society types, there is a price to pay. I have something that was born within me that won't tolerate any more slights, or innuendos, or put downs like all of us gay children got a shitload of that determined our courses. I don't find clones attractive, nor stereotypes. That is settling for less. That is contributing to the slander and ignorance.

Being yourself means finding yourself and that is genderless. And you did say it once, no one can compare their horror stories, gay or straight, their childhood demons are usually still there subconsciously determining their degree of intolerance and their perceptions. That we all share. I too am built now, so the visceral alpha licking of asses applies to me now also. I stand right up there with anyone to get my ass sniffed as my own alpha.

My turf is my turf. The bodybuilding is a shield, and it is power, and as long as I wield it wisely, I am OK. As long as I don't buy into my mask and can take it off publicly also, I am OK. As long as I can also laugh at it, I am OK I think. I enjoy it, I don't abuse it, nor do I try to contribute to the powerlessness of those who aren't built in the gay community where big bodies are worshipped... they should not be given any more power to disempower. While titillating to me too of course and I have fantasies out the whazoo, it has very little to do with who one is on the interior, and that is where the real strength lies period.

For any human. I don't take anyone's money, intolerance, or shit if they can't look me in the eye, and know exactly what an incredible human I am. I suck up to no one and am not impressed by position or title or bank account. A man, a real 100% man who has no doubt that I have as much right, if not more, to be here. Anyone paying such high dues and gives back, is "more" in my eyes.

They will lead the rest ultimately one hopes. I do indeed avoid situations or locations where I might put myself into danger, but we all do that, straight or gay, white or black. Yet, I have driven all over the US, the back roads, and stayed in redneck country a thousand times, and found my peace and enjoyed my hosts in ways I could understand and honor. I did this to face my fears, to learn, to escape corporate America pave over, to seek beauty... those who understand honesty, integrity, and honor, compassion understand that the soul buys those at quite a cost and they are not limited to one's sexual preferences or geography. The gay community's illusion is that NY or LA is where we should all experience freedom to be who we are. It's a nice illusion and sometimes it is real. But, that is not something any longitude, physical space, nor place can provide, that is a process that takes place inside or it never takes place no matter where you live. Should we demand to be treated like humans, or should we be humans who understand other humans in ways many others cannot? Physical violence should never be tolerated, equalities should be reached for as they should be for all Americans and all humans, but burning down the library will not get us a library card I don't think----neither will acting out our proclivities on the streets, nor exploiting our basest desires while consuming huge amounts of drugs at any colored party anywhere. Could that energy be transmuted up a bit and then leveled at the playing field we hope to be engaged upon? So do we have responsibilities that go hand in hand with our desires for equality, and is this community there? Is this apart of the dialogue, should it be? I don't really know. Did any group get their freedoms without bloodshed and massive amounts of education and self-determination? All I know is that I feel as free as any straight person I know if that is something one can compare, perhaps it is all perception? The movie was tremendous. Congratulations. Your passion will see you through. Your passion is a gift of the tribulations. From one icon to another, take care.

333)
I believe you have something important to say. Since no one reviewing it is neutral, the best thing is to see your production for myself.

334)
Please do not let a couple of assholes change your perspective on life. I found your website deep and very real. Fuck them!

335)
I am tremendously sorry to hear of somebody being such a JERK especially to such a nice guy... what's this website you're referring to? Keep your head up and disregard the ignorance...SMILE! Regards.

336)
Fire Island FF... Hello, I am the one who initially requested your film (and at first you didn't want to send it...). I just want to say, wow! Great! And everyone on the programming committee has really enjoyed the film... Best of luck and continued growth... I would love to see more of the fruits of your labor in years to come! My heart and joy is with you

337)
I'm a French graphist (nobody's perfect...lol). I don't know if you are Regan Ford, anyway, I just want to say that I admire you. I know it's quite juvenile to say that but anyway this is my feeling. You made beautiful music videos and dance remixes for some inspiring artists, you are a talented producer... but also you are a gorgeous bodybuilder. It's seems you are perfect (no it's impossible). Well, I'll know I'll never meet you, so I can say that without prejudice. Kisses from France

338)
Thank you very much. Your DVD arrived here a few weeks ago and I have since watched it twice. I think it's really a very personal piece of work and I enjoyed watching it. It's always kind of interesting to see what other people think and how they live their lives. Personally, I like the idea that I can present myself differently to different people, always retaining a certain part of my personality for me privately.

Apart from that, there are other parts where we probably have a quite different outlook on live: I don't remember my childhood days as negatively as you seem to and would say that I grew up in a rather liberal yet well protected environment. And while you seem to have a certain tolerance for physical violence, I don't. I found the Eminem part of your video particularly shocking. However, to a certain extent that might be a cultural as well as a personal question. Here in Germany, I get the impression that an American movie can show a lot of (physical) violence, but showing only modestly "explicit" nudity seems to be a problem. That certainly is different in Germany / Europe. E.g., the sex scenes in Queer as Folk would probably not put a lot of German people off, but there seem to have been quite some controversy about them in the US. At the same time, violence very often is regarded a reason not to release a film for minors. Hopefully, this e-mail does not sound judgmental or even overly critical. Because I certainly don't mean to be either. As I said, I find it quite fascinating to see how differently one can live one's live and learning about other's lives always is an impulse to reflect on my own life any my view of things. I am thankful to you for sharing yours.

339)
Warrior time... lead the way... be the shepherd.

340)
I just wanted to let you know that I had some friends over and we watched your documentary. They all were really impressed and I can tell that it left a groove! Maybe you could enter it into the Sundance Film Festival?

341)
Hi Regan, just wanted to drop you a line. I got your film like last year and watched it and thought it was amazing. It's like one of the best films I have ever seen. I have watched it like maybe 6 - 8 times since I got it. I think it's a classic. Pure genius. You should be very proud of yourself for pulling that off. And, I am a movie buff who has seem a countless number of films and love and appreciate movies in general. So, I mean it when I applaud your film. It's the kind of film that I know I will watch many more times. So, thank you for sending it. The only thing that sucks is that I would love to show it to (or watch it with) my friends but the content is obviously a bit too much for some people to deal with. You kind of have to be really open minded to watch it, you know? I have watched it with a friend though - who is gay, and he loved it. I lent it to another friend - who is straight and he loved it too. Thank you for letting me peek into the life of DR. That movie really did hit me.

342)
Well, I'm completely overwhelmed by your generous kindness, friend...and honored beyond measure by your extraordinary response to my profoundly sincere and deeply felt expressions of admiration, gratitude, respect and appreciation for YOU and your singular and sublime artistry...I think I have a mad crush on you, to boot, sir! Yikes! ;-) It's heartbreaking to hear about the appalling negativity with which someone has treated your amazing, insightful and unbelievably vulnerable self-portrait. Your courage and self-understanding, your authentic and honest self- revelation is a sacred gift to be cherished and treasured, and given a kind of consideration worthy of your naked presentation of ideas, events and their meanings... I feel like I know you already Regan... I have very few friends who have been as trusting and boldly honest about themselves, their ideas, beliefs, feelings and philosophies as you have been. You set an example for me and all of us with your courage and clear-sighted assessments of the way people and experiences have shaped you. You're a sublime and glorious "work in progress", sir- and I only hope our paths will cross one day very soon, as I'd be deeply privileged to be a small thread woven into the tapestry of your Experience...and when I say that I've fallen in love with you, it's YOUR honesty that grants me permission to blurt out my heart's truest response to your greatest creation- YOU. Please take real good care- and should you ever desire to talk about anything (I have years of practice in "letting go" and avoiding the Critics- "Idiots With Pencils" in my jargon), well.... you would make my heart overflow with joy, to hear your voice and share thoughts with a man I truly adore. Frankly, I think you're irresistible, Regan... and I'm struggling with envious feelings toward all those who share the intimate, inner circle of your Life. They are fortunate beyond belief... and I am grateful for the blessing of finding you and having you touch my soul. I am changed by this encounter, and hungry for more! Thanks again for your cherished note, sir- I'll keep it always, and hope we can hang onto one another til we're sharing some fine dining and I'm able to bask in your radiant and exhilarating energies, passions and artful imaginings. Blessings you glorious man. With love, respect and admiration, steadfast devotion and gratitude- Yours truly.

343)
Thanks for your very kind note, friend...WOW. What a privilege to have you in my Life. I'm deeply grateful and honored beyond measure. I shall keep in touch, and look forward to meeting you for dinner in LA before too long...the chance to bask in your glorious company is worth a trip all in itself, sir. You're magnificent, you know...

344)
I've just seen your film. Only one word comes on my mind: Frichtre... which means in English... well in fact there's no word in english (lol), I'm just speechless. In fact if I spoke better English I could better express my emotions, and my feelings. I'm still not sure to speak with the real Regan (or with one of his assistant), but I want to believe it's true. So you're self-portrait was a real success. A piece of Art. I do not joke. I like the editing, the colour, and the musical environment (you should do a soundtrack, it rocks!). I had many kind of emotions: joy, happiness, pleasure, sadness, pain, rage... It could be strange, but I found some similarities with my childhood: Humiliations, the rejection, but also the great complicity with my sister. The homage to your sister Roz really has upsets me, with the Carpenters in background music, I almost cried. (My sister had a cancer too; fortunately she's always here). Well I shouldn't teach you anything by saying to you I'm quite sensitive to the male beauty. Fags, gay, bi, I don't care of the word; I'm not straight and not "normal" for somebody who thinks like Eminem. So you're Film speaks to me. I'm just wiser than you; I lived in a small town in France (oh la la la France!!!!!), not in LA. No drugs, no sex, no pop stars (lol). What I retain of all that... you had a great determination to succeed. JB Mondino (one of my favorite photographer) was right, you're more than gay, more than a bodybuilder or an editor: you're an icon. You don't make the things like everybody. You make the things with passion. In Latin, the roots of the word "passion" are PATER, PATIOR: the suffering. I think that there is much passion in your life... but also much of pleasure and joy. I'm sure that everyone tells you the same thing, but this is my feeling. I find all that attractive and frightening at the same time. My life is much more monotone, I choose the easy way... but maybe it's time for me to change, who knows? In any case, I was really impressed by your life. If I compared your life to mine... whaouhhhhhhh, you have already lived 6 lives like mine. (I'm 27 years old, so you had 162 years old... I laugh, it is French humour...not very funny). Sex, drugs, and pop music. It's a hard knock life. PUMPING VELVET is a mix between PUMPING IRON and THE VELVET ROPE. I'm under the spell. Ton français est encore très bon, j'ai tout compris, merci pour cet effort. Je ne sais pas si je suis ton ami, mais cela me fait plaisir de l'avoir lu. J'arrive à L.A avec les croissants pour le petit déjeuné. J'espère que tu as compris tout mon anglais. I hope to see u again in my mailbox, Kisses. The French

345)
I got your CD's in the mail today! =) I popped them into the DVD player right away. You are such a cool guy. I really though that Pumping Velvet was so well done, and I related to it completely. You really did do a great job editing that Madonna chronology. I can see why she would have been deeply moved by your work. =) Did your teacher really make you sit in a cardboard box all day during class? =( I was like "hell-to-the-NO!"

346)
Hi! Finally I've received your DVD with the self-portrait of you after some time working out of home... I need to tell you that I was really impressed. You have your entire life filmed! My English is not too good to express myself right now. I found it very revealing, and this is not usually found in our days. It's a great film. It's like knowing you since you were 5 y.o. and being your best friend. I agree with you about the Eminem thing, 100% agree. The scenes in the swimming pool are great, and the flash animations really well done! As I said before, I'm living in Mallorca and you can visit us (my husband and me) whenever you want. And it's not something I'm saying just to be kind.

347)

Hey I finally watched this. It was incredibly good. It¹s hard to see the lasting effect of this film because of the changes going on in society right now but this film serves as a historic documentary about the Gay movement in America in recent history. The kind of thing that belongs in Gay Film History archives. When I took Gay film history back in the early '90¹s all we watched were scenes from film that had Gay characters but your film really explores the essence of Gayness from a Gay perspective which kinda changes the game from an academic perspective.

What speaks to me most right now about this film is that yeah Hollywood is fucking everything Gay right now but leave LA or NY or SF and it’s Matthew Shepard everywhere else. I¹m glad the US has started dialogue but we have a long way to go-- films like this are anything but obsolete. We need to hear, see and taste the Gay world at all times in order to be free from the hate. I compare the Gay movement to the Jew movement (not only because I¹m a Jew) but because if you want to keep something awful in the minds of decent people you have to constantly talk about it. It wasn¹t Hitler that was so awful, it was his sheep. Without sheep he was just a madman.  And that¹s how I view the Gay movement. Lessen the sheep, obliterate the madman. 

This film must become a part of Gay history. Everyone should see it. Age 5-95. When my two boys grow up, they need to know that sheep lurk behind the evil of madmen. I encourage all forms of socialization to help me teach how un-alone we all are in the world. Don¹t let this film disappear, Regan. Love you.

348)

Hey Hey, just wanted to say a quick Hi & didn't mean to spam post you or anything on facebook, I am a legit fan of yours honestly! I'm a bit jaded & hard to impress in visual ways, so I don't gush & love a lot of music videos/art out there. So I do mean all I've said & I'm typically not the type to show such love unless I mean it & feel it. But anyways, it just made my night to see all your hits in a row to realize a deeper level of what I appreciate in a great video & emulate in my own work. I always know the directors on music videos but it's rare to ever see the credits for the editor behind them. Hard to explain but it helps focus my own goals seeing one man living the dream I pursue, take care!

349)

Regan - Well, I decided to spend Thanksgiving late night watching Pumping Velvet without interruption. Once I got into it, I knew I couldn't turn it off or interrupt the flow of it. I've got a lot of thoughts on it and just want to share them with you briefly now.....I suspect that you and I will have more to talk about the next time we're together.

It is a very moving piece to view, and I think it is even more moving because you and I have come to know each other. Watching the taunting and bullying was hard, particularly because I know you. And surprisingly watching the cartoon images of the bullying (especially those at the skating rink) was very hard. I think there was something so innocent about cartoon figures of you and the other guys that made it difficult to watch them turn on you and hurt you.

You have a very soothing voice. When you were talking about your life, it was almost mesmerizing to listen to you. Again, I think that was more pronounced because I know you, but it was a very powerful feature in the film.

I'm sure the film was both very difficult for you to make because of the memories and images it dragged to the surface of your adult mind, and also because it bared so much of your soul to the viewers.

Watching you in the bodybuilding sequences was filled with so many mixed emotions for me. One the one hand, I was glad to see how far you had taken your body and your sense of competition. One the other hand, it left me a little sad to think that in some way your suffering was responsible for directing some of that motivation.

I loved when you talked about your parents and your sister, and the love and support they shared with you. Very powerful and very beautiful emotions and images from your past.

I'm saddened by the way religion was used to hurt you and put you down. It makes me every more determined not to do that to others in my life.

I feel privileged that you have allowed me this deep into your life. I know you have grown beyond the person in Pumping Velvet, and if you were to make that movie today, it would be different. But it still is an important part of the man you have become.

I'm proud of you, Regan, for overcoming so much. And I'm really glad that you and I can share this friendship and brotherhood together.

I can't get some of the images from Pumping Velvet out of my mind, so I'm pretty sure I'll be mentioning it again. With huge hugs, even more huge than usual,

350)

So I curled up in my bed with my laptop last night and watched Pumping Velvet. Regan I am so proud to be your cousin. You are so very talented and have such a bold and beautiful message to share. Never stop creating. Never stop sharing and NEVER stop being YOU! You are brilliant. Miss you tons. You should come visit me in Toronto and we can have a QAF night out! Love you more that I love my luggage,

Jan Brady Cousin Matt

So after writing my first comment, I made my breakfast and sat down and started to reminisce a bit. I don’t think you realize what an inspiration you have been to me through the years. Not only have I shared your talents with so many people because clearly your work is just so much fun to watch, you have always reminded me to never give up on fighting for what I want. I know your path hasn’t always been the smoothest and you have made some difficult decisions throughout your journey in the video world. But you are still doing it. You are still pushing yourself to create and be vocal and that inspires me. If there’s anyone who understands the constant uphill battle of the entertainment industry, it’s an actor. I see so many of my friends who have basically given up. They have settled in to jobs as servers, paralegals, bartenders. That’s fine for them, but not for me. I have never stopped fighting to be a performer and it has brought me so much joy. The struggle can SUCK sometimes, but the payoff can be sweet. I am so proud of us! We are the best gay cousins EVER! Congratulations on finishing this project. Both versions stand alone as amazing pieces of art. Now sit back and wait for the reactions to unfold and please, ENJOY IT! Love you, Matthew

351)

“Regan - This past week, I changed computers so I was only able to download “Pumping Velvet” last night onto the new one. And this afternoon was the first chance I had to watch it. I know you’ve probably gotten a lot of really worthwhile reviews and comments on it, but I’d just like to add a few of my own. I’ve never met you, and my only contact with you has been some emails, some views of your AVIDDIVA site awhile ago, and our facebook friendship. Just want to write these out for you since they are all so fresh in my mind after viewing “Pumping Velvet.”

1. You had me hooked right at the beginning with your childhood videos and “Puff the Magic Dragon.” I love that song! It was really cool to watch you grow up in the videos. And the roller-skating animation had a really surprise ending when you got beat up. I know I’ll never understand what you went through as a kid, but I think I got a good glimpse of it today.

2. Your college entrance dance video is amazing. I was almost mesmerized by it. Never thought of you as a dancer, always as a bodybuilder/video editor. You’ve opened up a lot of new views for me today.

3. The Madonna section, especially the Madonna fast-paced montage (if that is the right word), is awesome to see. And it brought back so many memories to me. I never realized how much you idolized Madonna. One of my best friends, Christian, was one of the dancers in the original “Material Girl” video. It was great thinking of him again as I watched the Madonna segment today. Someday when we’re talking, I have some cool stories about him and about the video that I’d love to tell you.

4. Loved the Ironman posing competitions from 1999 and 2002. Your smile is as powerful as your build.

5. Was fascinated by the sequence in which you were watching your own interview on TV. Made me think a lot about what has been running through your mind as you put the whole project together. It must have been like seeing your whole life run before your eyes.

6. And liked the teddy bear at the end. In some way you’ve come full circle with your childhood and conquered the demons that you were subjected to.

Thanks for sharing yourself so honestly and so powerfully. I’ve certainly looked forward to meeting you in Vegas someday, but now I am even more eagerly looking forward to that meeting. You are one amazing guy, Regan. I’m really glad to be getting to know you.” - Las Vegas

352)

I love that you're posting those amazing music videos you edited on Vimeo! I had a few of them already, but they were ripped from the artist's DVD (or bought on iTunes) and nowhere near that quality. You have no idea how much of a goldmine those videos are to me. I had a little showcase of your work for my friends the other night on the big screen (some are directors too), and it was pretty much explaining to them that you're like an architect of their whole childhood and adolescence. This is classic work. Love it! Puhleeease don't stop posting until you have all 200+ videos of yours up (j/k).

I've been a huge fan of yours for years, and something in me made me want to finally reach out to you and give you a big e-highfive/e-hug. I actually tweeted you a few months back about how your AVIDDIVA Megamix is one of the most inspiring pieces I keep in my life. It will always be.

I suppose your tweets the other day about how you reign supreme in music video editorial shook me, because I agree. Completely. I live in Las Vegas where I direct music videos, and I'm constantly running low on inspiring people to keep in my life, or a good creative tempo. You are one of the biggest inspirations in my life, and I have so much to thank you for. Thank you for blazing your own trail and showing me that pain, frustration, and aggression can be channeled into an art form that is culturally relevant and brings so many people together. Your edit (and your directing work - I'm very anxious to see more of it) is so brutal and direct - like a platinum nail that pierces you right in the brain stem.

This might be the most random email you've gotten in awhile, and I still don't know why I'm contacting you like this, but I wanted you to know that you are a fantastic person, your work is untouchable, and you've inspired me in so many special ways.

P.S. Just noticed, the money shot from your Swarovski ad (with the 3 dancers striking the pose en pointe) has been my phone wallpaper for just over two years now.

353)

Well Hello There, It is 1 in the morning, and everyone is sleeping the way they should be. Words cannot even describe the experience watching your film. I can tell you that I have never praised anyone like this, not even Madonna. You captured all of my own emotions, opinions, stories, and experiences. It was like watching me, and it was scary and amazing at the same time. I am glad I watched it sober, as if I would have been drunk I would have killed myself because I would have viewed it as my reality, and not the one who is determined to change and control people, or beat the shit out of them.

You don't give yourself enough credit, and what I'm saying will probably go in one ear and out the other. There is not one mother-fucker like you on this planet. I'm not sure who you were listening to when this film ran it's corse, but this could have been, and still could be affecting people just like me all around the world. I know you told me not to talk about it, but maybe one day you will have a change of mind. If they told you that you were crazy, they are jealous and in denial because they know they will never have the balls to speak their mind and stand up. It's a SKIN, and the ones that don't have it are the weaklings. Pray for them. Everything you said through out that film is the TRUTH, and those are the facts of life.

You are multi talented in so many ways. I must also say that you are a great dancer, and entertaining in a way I've never seen before from spending time with you and watching this.

Regan, I never had a clue that you went through what I went through growing up. Maybe you didn't wanna tell me in depth. I didn't know it was to the extreme of what I went through. This is happening to everyone, which is why I always wanted my fame to impact all the poor boys & girls in the world, as my therapist always said "What kind of fucking role model was Ricky Martin?”

As I screamed and my blood boiled watching years of gay bashing through entertainment, I was waiting and waiting for the ending I wanted to see. And you did it, Eminem was silenced. Just so you know, I was planning to murder Eminem during the Grammys. That was one of the most angry and violent times in my life. One of these days, I am going to do something with "Hetero-Phobia", and act out all my thoughts and visions I've had all my life. It would be interested to have them see it through my eyes. I never liked to see a man and a woman together. If you only knew what I would do to my parents when they would kiss at only five years old.

You and I were destined to meet, and you mean more to me than you know. I'm just so saddened we couldn't have met sooner. This is a work of art, and I am obsessed. "Pumping Velvet" is in my soul.

I must see it like three more times, and please promise me you will find a way to make me a copy, and one for my best friend Matthew who is suffering tremendously. He will shit his pants.

You tell me that you have changed, and you're not the same person I just watched. That puzzles me, as it makes me think you have accepted reality, perhaps made peace with, and now go with the flow a little more. If that is true, I understand. Sometimes it's better to admit defeat, and accept the way things are in return for a happy life.

I on the other hand am the most stubborn and spiteful individual to walk. I will never come to terms with reality. I have been like this all my life, and I'll never stop until I have made the impact I wanna make on the world. Pissing people off is also another talent of mine in case you haven't noticed.

Your sisters last words really made me loose it. What a beautiful soul she was. I know how much she meant to you, as I have a sister too and she always fought for me and looked up to me, even when I took it out on her for what was going on in my childhood.

The after life is real, and we will all be there one day because there are spots reserved for people like us. This life can be an unfortunate test for some, and come on a silver platter for others. It never has been no bowl of cherries for me, and I'm sure you agree. I value you immensely, and thank you for sharing this visual with me. I'll never forget it.

Thank God for you.